My mother doesn't talk about her being Korean

[Kush]

That's horrible...

I've experienced something similar, I once expressed interest in leaving England (which I still plan to do someday, probably to the states) and moving to Hong Kong.

She then rattled off the reasons why I shouldn't go to HK. Most had their basis in truth (triads, crowded etc.), but she had grossly exaggerated them and nevertheless, the positives still outweighed the negatives.

It was clear she just really didn't want me to go. Might be something to do with race but probably just didn't want me to move so far away from her.

As for adoption, I don't understand why white parents couldn't adopt white orphans from their native country (I apologise if this is mentioned in the videos, I don't really have the time to watch them at the moment) instead of travelling half way round the world and wading through much more paperwork for an Asian child who will almost definitely have a serious identity crisis later on.
I could understand maybe, if they lived in LA or somewhere with a large AA community where they could learn about their culture, language and etc. If they lived in Alabama or something, then I would really feel for the poor kid.

I personally think if you want to adopt a Korean child you should move to Korea to raise them.

[quiapo]

The low birth rate in first world countries, changed atttitudes to having children with an unmarried parent, and government support for single mothers means that the supply of children which are available for adoption
is very small compared to demand, hence the search fro foreign born children. Here in Australia, any aboriginal children that are available for adoption or fostering have to be placed with an aboriginal familly, and ony in exceptional circumstances would a non-aboriginal family be considered.

[swinger]

Jan 7, 2009 18:56:40 GMT -5 @lisa91 said:

I've been thinking about this for a very long time and I have no one to talk to about it. Maybe it's not a talkable subject but I still wonder if there is someone in a situation similiar to mine or have any thoughts about it...

My mother was adopted from Korea - it's quite obvious, but I didn't realize that until I was in the age of 10 and it wasn't until I reached the age of 13 I really understood that I looked a bit different from my Swedish friends.

My mom hates when I read about Korean culture, she actually gets really angry. She also hates that my dad likes to do research on his Lappish heritage.

Is it because of the fact that she is adopted she has this hate against her Asian origins? Is it common for adopted children to turn out this way? I really would like some answers I have no one to talk to.

I've been thinking about this post for a little while, and I think there's no easy solution that leaves everyone happy. It's pretty obvious that your mom has some discomfort with her own situation (ethnicity/adoption/environment) and that it makes things worse for you to be bringing it to the forefront with your own curiosity and interest. Having said that, I also think that it's precisely what you are doing that will keep you from having 'hangups' the way your mom has them (even if they aren't the same ones). The best solution I can advise, and it's not perfect because I don't think there's a perfect solution - is to continue on with your exploration, but to do it without putting it in front of her face. Don't talk to her about it - hide it if need be. There may be a time when she'll be comfortable talking about it, or may even want to find more about that part of herself. But also, that day may never come. You have to make peace with yourself, and if you can do that without pushing your mom's buttons, I think everyone will be happier (or at least less frustrated).

I always thought my dad's first marriage was to my mom. When his sister came to visit when I was 19 or so she mentioned something about his first wife. Later, I asked him, "So you were married back in the old country?" His response: "That's none of your God damned business!"

[lisa91]

I do not talk to her about it or write essays about Korea in school nowadays. It's much nicer if she isn't pissed off But from time to time I still happen to bring up the subject of my fathers Lappish roots and she immediately gets in a bad mood. I guess I'll have to live with it

But I wonder how she will react the day I decide to go to Korea...

[dipsydoodle]

Maybe it's harder for adopted ones to date. I mean, I won't date an Asian adoptee. I'm not comfortable being with a full Asian who has less contact with her Asian roots than me and I'm only half. Something seems wrong with that. It bothers me and I guess it shouldn't but it very definitely bothers me--to the point where I won't an Asian adoptee (unless she was adopted by Asians, of course).

That brings up the other issue that someone touched on: I get called a racist and bigot for saying this but I am absolutely against whites adopting Asians. I think it should be outlawed. I think the willingness of whites to want Asian children (which is flat out creepy to me) fuels the international adoption market--drives it. If whites weren't adopting them, they mysteriously wouldn't suddenly be so available. IOW, I firmly believe women are paid to give up their babies in Asia so they can be sold to white people and I have no doubt many of these babies are stolen in order to sell them. White people who justify adopting Asian babies frankly piss me off. Let's see a bunch of Asian couples come to America and take a bunch of blonde, blue-eyed girls back to Japan and Korea and see how whites take to it. You know and I know THEY WON'T! I'd like to see their reactions watching Asian people cradling their new white baby and saying stupid s*** like, "She's our little angel!" and the one I really hate: "She'll be better off with us and we won't let her forget her heritage." Stuff it.

I did know this adopted Korean girl a few years ago. She was nice and everything but she admitted up front that she knew nothing of her Korean heritage. You couldn't help but hear the sadness in her voice when she said it. I can't imagine not knowing anything about my Asian heritage and I'm just a halfie.

Sure they carry a lot of baggage around--Asian adoptees. I would be more put off by them if they didn't. It has to weigh heavily on them and it certainly shows in the case of the OP's mother--something for which I'm sorry to say I have nothing good to tell her. I don't know what she can do about it except that she can come here to get things off her chest--that's about it. That's why I'm against that kind of adoption so don't anybody bother to give me crap about it, I don't care and it won't change a thing. Done ranting.

[lisa91]

^ I think that you have a good point in what you've written

[Kush]

I agree with you, dipsydoodle. It's always seemed very wrong to me.

I'm not objected to them being raised by white parents but it's the complete blackout on the child's true heritage (that's why I don't have a problem if they come to China/Korea to raise the child).

[dipsydoodle]

I often think about Jack and Casey He who came to America from China. Jack landed a teaching job in Tennessee and was earning a stipend. Some idiot filed a sexual assault suit against Jack He which caused the school to cut off his stipend which was not cool since they had just had their 3rd child. At the trial, his accuser was so unprepared and so obviously a liar that he was easily acquitted. Even so, the school would not reinstate his stipend.

The He family, which also contained 2 boys, were forced to put the baby, a girl, up for a temporary adoption until Jack He could find work. A Christian agency found a temporary home for the girl with a white Christian family in Tennessee named Baker (I could have told the Hes right there not to go along with it). When the Hes were ready to take the girl back however, the Bakers refused to give her up. They claimed the girl belonged to them!!

When the Hes demanded their child back as per the agreement, the Bakers called the cops. Even though the cops should have been easily able to see the girl was Asian and the Bakers weren't, they threatened to arrest and jail the Hes if they came to the Baker property again. The Hes then went to a lawyer. While the lawyer was preparing the case, some 4 months had passed. At the trial, the Bakers now claimed the girl was theirs because the Hes had abandoned her as the law states that if a child is left for 4 months, the child is officially abandoned. The Hes argued that they couldn't go to the Baker property without risking arrest which would not do their daughter any good.

The judge--white of course--sided with the Bakers saying the girl was abandoned. He further affirmed the Bakers' accusation that the Hes were unfit parents and lived in squalor despite having no one's word to take for it other than Mr. Baker's. When he ruled that the girl belonged to the Bakers, Casey He screamed and fell to the floor sobbing. The judge accused her of putting on theatrics for sympathy.

Eight years went by during which questions surfaced such as if the Hes were unfit parents, why did no one attempt to rescue the two boys from this squalor? Who investigated Mr. Baker's claims and substantiated them? What was actually in the contract that the Hes signed with the Bakers? A new trial was granted and the judge awarded the girl back to her family. By this time, the girl was thoroughly white-ized and had no connection to her Asian background and had suffered nightmares that her natural mother had abandoned her. The Hes went back to China to prevent the Bakers from filing anymore suits to take their daughter away from them. This made things worse for the girl as she knows no Chinese and has suddenly found herself in an unfamiliar country that she doesn't like. As of now, she is still in China trying to adjust, is unhappy and refuses to talk about the Bakers.

In America, if you're white and give your baby up for adoption, you can show up 10 years later and demand your child back and a court will grant it. If you're Asian in America, white people will try to take your children from you just because they want them and you get no say. What is it with white people wanting Asian children? What's with them thinking they are actually entitled to them? How does it not occur to them what a horrible thing they are doing by adopting these children and forcing them to live like whites? How can they subject Asian people to their racism and then tell us that race doesn't matter when it comes to taking Asian kids for their own? How come they don't take African kids or Mexican kids or Russian orphans anywhere near as much as they take Asian kids? What is with that?

[Subuatai]

^ Just the way it is. You know, the realities of racism really saddens me and I guess I am glad of this 'mixed' trait because you are forced to see humanity not races. Whenever I get pissed off at the whites for all sorts of reason my dad goes up to me and says "hey, you are white too". Then I go "Dad, grandma sees herself as Tatar", then he goes "doesn't matter, you are still white, so am I, we're still all human"...

... which complicates things...

[dipsydoodle]

You are not white too.

I've never been called a honky or a whitey or anything like that. I've been called a Jap and a gook and a dink more times than I can ever count. My brother worked at a place where some grunt on the floor wanted to kill him because he believed real Americans are white and specifically stated half-white does not count. They had to find a way to get rid of him before he gunned my brother down despite the fact that my brother had never even spoken to him. Many white supremacists loathe half-whites more than non-whites because we are living proof of the contamination of their sacred genes and all the BS. The idea that white people can heap whatever crap they want on you but you have to take it because you're half-white too tells me you need to educate your father on a few things just as I once had to do with mine.

[Kush]

Somewhere in those youtube videos it said that even if Asian children (or maybe half-Asians like us) don't look like the white norm around them in the West, even if they are discriminated against, they can come home and be around their family that is also Asian, looks like them, and that will always love them; at least then you can identify w/ your loving family and you don't feel as "wrong" as an Asian adopted child that comes home to a white-looking family.

Agreed. I was lucky enough to have a large extended Asian family instead of just my mother.

I think one of the reasons why white families like to adopt Asian orphans (most of all female Asian orphans) is the mystification of Asia, Asians, and most of all Asian females.

If someone was doing it purely for that reason, I'd have to resist the urge to kill them. It makes it sound like they're getting a new puppy.

Anyone else notice the large proportion of fundamentalist Christians who adopt from China? Most of the "I adopted a baby from Asia" videos, have some sort of Christian message or stupid Bible quote...

[lisa91]

I used to think it was a sort of a trend to adopt Asian children. A few years ago I found an old photo album with some pictures of other Asian kids than my mother and my uncle. My grandfather told me that they were his friend's children. And I know that two of my grandfathers siblings did also adopt children from Asia.

But I don't think that now. If I was about to adopt a kid I wouldn't choose one from China just because I know my friend did. I hope no one think in that way.

[avax]

What's wrong with having a bible quote or a christian message? This is a fast track to "fundamentalist" and a ticket to hating and wanting to kill them? My family and I are catholics.

A childhood (catholic and hindu mixed religious marriage) friend's family whom I've known for 20+ years adopted a chinese-indonesian baby boy. It's been about 8 years now. She told me that Ryan began asking questions about his darker colour just last year. She was surprised at the time, didn't know what to say, but just hugged him and told him she loved him. She is prepared to tell him his background of course, when he is a bit older. His biological mother is still alive but has cut contact/doesn't want contact.

Ethel is correct - biological parents are not permitted any contact with their biological children given up for adoption for a considerable period (no phone, no video, no email, zero contact), legally in international adoptions.

What's extremely controversial when it comes to foster homes and social services (even in north america) is that the government owns every right by canadian law, ie. to enter any household and seize children when they like if there is so much as a squeak that there is an element of abuse. The criteria for evaluating first nations families and taking children from their homes are very western-minded and neglect to consider the sociological consequences of removing children from their homes on reservations and placing them (usually) in caucasian foster families. My understanding of international adoption and the screening process is that it is more rigorous. My point - it's likely happening in your own backyard to non-asians (indigenous or minority or under-represented groups).

Otherwise I have nothing else to say on the matter of adoption. If is a new good life, a new life is good - especially if initial circumstances weren't too easy to live with. All that matters to me is that the child is aware, the family is loving.

[dipsydoodle]

Anyone else notice the large proportion of fundamentalist Christians who adopt from China? Most of the "I adopted a baby from Asia" videos, have some sort of Christian message or stupid Bible quote...

Christianity is a religion based purely on self-interest and meme-reproduction. It wants to take over as many minds as it can in the same manner that a certain set of genes wants to populate as much of the gene pool as it can. What better way to take over a mind than to hijack some infant from another country and infest the child's developing mind with its memes? Then it hides this blatant self-interest under the guise of Christian charity.

It's no different than those Christian groups that pitch sponsoring a child in a 3rd world country so you can "give them a hot meal, a good education and a fine Christian upbringing." Obviously, it's the last one that is really all they care about. If you asked them, "Why not just give them hot meals and a good non-religious education and let them decide what religion they want if any when they get older?" you would get all manner of responses as to why this is not an acceptable course--none of it amounting to more than the admission, "Because then we can't spread the Christian meme which is the whole reason why we're doing this s*** in the first place."

But I don't think that now. If I was about to adopt a kid I wouldn't choose one from China just because I know my friend did. I hope no one think in that way.

Of course they do. It's a booming business and it's no different whatsoever from "Get yourself a beautiful Asian wife" ads. It's the same thing. This idea that Asians are some kind of commodity for white people to entertain themselves with.

"Barren as the Sahara at high noon? Get an Asian kid, they worship white people and are high achievers and the girls are SO cute and they'll marry whites so you'll breed that pesky Asian gene right out of them so that it doesn't threaten your white heritage and you great great grandchildren can all brag how they had an Asian forebear somewhere in their line--think how cool that would be!"

"Are you a greasy, heavy-breathing, 2-ton, white loser whose fat ass sticks out every time you bend over or sit down and no woman of your own race will be seen with you--even ugly ones? Well, just send off for a mail order bride and show everyone your new hot Chinese wife! Be the envy of all your loser friends! Populate the world with cute li'l hapa childrens and brag to everyone who'll listen about how they'll have the best of both worlds--a disgusting Asiaphile dad and a whore mom desperately seeking a green card."

Look at the commercials, the ads, the movies--it all is put together not only to portray Asians as a commodity for whites but to portray them as enjoying this unique status as Mr. Whitey's favorite minority. And what Asian-blooded female in her right mind wouldn't enjoy being lusted after by every other white guy she passes on the street or in the mall or the workplace or the gas station or Thai restaurant down the street or the liquor store on the corner or the...

I didn't have contact with my Asian family (besides one uncle who I saw once in a while) from puberty to my mid-twenties. I wonder whether having had contact would have made me feel less insecure for looking Asian.

I have never met anyone from my mother's family. I don't even know what they look like. Where it hurt me growing up was having no male Asian role models in my life. As that Asian guy in that one clip pointed out, Asian males are stereotyped as less masculine and just plain unattractive and so you look desperately for examples to disprove this but there are no Asian males anywhere around you--much less family. Even my mother didn't marry an Asian man so you have to wonder how ugly and undesirable you must be. I imagine it's a lot like being an adoptee. You get hammered everyday of your life. Best of both worlds, my ass.

It's been about 8 years now. She told me that Ryan began asking questions about his darker colour just last year. She was surprised at the time, didn't know what to say, but just hugged him and told him she loved him.

That's what we're saying here--that's not good enough. That's a lousy answer. It actually implies that there's something wrong with it "but we love you anyway." It sucks as an acceptable answer. It's just like that clip of that Korean woman talking to her white adoptive father about what she went through as a girl being under tremendous pressure to be white but unable to achieve it. All he could say was, "I'm sorry," and you could tell that wasn't cutting it for her and she tells him, "It shut me down." They don't get it. They don't think it's a big deal. And it really bothers me when they say, "Suddenly my daughter/son wanted to know why she/he didn't look like her/his parents and siblings and it took me by surprise." WHAT?? It never occurred to you that this child was going to ask that someday?? How could it NOT occur to you? That's what I want to say to these people.

It's all self-interest and no thought is given to what the child goes through. There is that one clip of the white woman whose adopted Korean daughter is crying because she can't see herself when she looks at her, that she feels like a stranger living in someone else's house, that she has no real mother to bond with. What does the woman say? "Well, how do you think I feel when I was told that I couldn't have a child of my own?" WHO GIVES A FLYING f*** ABOUT YOU, BITCH?? That's what I actually yelled when I watched that. She's supposed to be helping this girl she hijacked from another country and instead it's like her problems matter more than this girl's. I couldn't have a child so I took you without giving two s***s how you might feel about it as you got older. Unacceptable.

If you're going to adopt, you damned well better be prepared. You get no slack from me when you tell me how it caught you off-guard when your adopted kid was mad that she doesn't look like the people that are supposed to be her family. I expect you to be prepared for that and it REALLY pisses me off when I learn that you have given that no thought at all. That tells me it was all about you and you could have cared less what it did to this child. I don't excuse that.

[avax]

I don't agree with manipulation but I'm also getting older, tired of using god and religion to play pseudo-politician/intelligencia. Much of the dissent people feel, I felt too. But the church and christianity is my culture that was passed on from my forefathers and mothers. It is important to me. It is important to my family and others. I'm tired of hearing about worldwide persecution of christians and catholics these days and their supposed evil agenda. It's either a person is atheist or they're scum and suspected criminals. The arguments are old and flaky. Catholics now are required to make excuses for their faith as in "with exceptions". It's fine to be christian, but only if that christian really has issues with the church then they are accepted in the macabre (apparently progressive and "aware") circles. It's petty and reminiscent of a highschool popularity contest in a greasy cafeteria.

Regardless, I understand what you're^ saying about being prepared. However, if you would stop to question more, rather than assume, I would have told you that she was prepared to speak to him but not at age 8. His biological history is very sad and it will take awhile to tell him properly. She is the mother, not I.