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Post by Subuatai on Mar 9, 2009 22:35:57 GMT -5
Marriages that are somewhat forced... in your opinion are they doomed to fail?
Let's just say there's a couple, and the girl is a leader of a very conservative community. Her family is also very conservative, and religious. She has spent two years in college to be able to lead this community, and she leads by example.
However, at present time, she's unmarried, and pregnant. She has withdrawn from her leadership role to avoid ridicule. She has made many compromises for her boyfriend and respect his wishes not to get married so soon however now the 'unmarried' factor is affecting her career.
Her boyfriend feels like s***, he loves his girlfriend but due to past parental experience he wishes to refrain from marriage for the time being. The pregnancy was unexpected, and now he witnesses his girlfriend in shame due to such circumstances. Knowing the compromises his girlfriend has already made, he wonders whether he should make a compromise in regards to marriage, and proceed with the whole 'till death do us part' thing.
The whole idea of putting his relationship on paper does not appeal to him at all, for 3 years the relationship has operated on passion and intimacy alone, but it was a relationship with many quarrels even if the passion exists strongly. What should the guy do?
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Post by halfbreed on Mar 10, 2009 0:14:47 GMT -5
He should marry her.
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Post by admin on Mar 10, 2009 0:24:14 GMT -5
Not necessarily - depends on your attitude.
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Post by helles on Mar 10, 2009 0:32:50 GMT -5
It seems like she has give up/compromised more than the guy - from what you wrote at least.
Even by withdrawing from her leadership role in the community, i'm sure there is a lot of gossip going around about her, which she cannot enjoy. the only thing stopping the guy is that he doesnt want to conform and be dictated by a piece of paper.
The dynamic of the relationship once the baby comes, marriage or not, will change either way.
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Post by rob on Mar 10, 2009 1:29:20 GMT -5
He should man up, marry her and more importantly, do his damndest to make her and their child the happiest people possible.
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Post by betahat on Mar 10, 2009 2:08:13 GMT -5
Does the guy want to spend the rest of his life with the girl? If so, then it's a no-brainer (yes). If he's not sure, he should probably still do it as long as he doesn't mind the prospect of getting divorced. The only reason not to is if the guy is really rich (in which case just get a pre-nup), the guy wants to see other women in the near term, or the guy is afraid of putting his name on a piece of paper for a legal contract that is (reasonably) easily breakable. Divorce is tough on kids, but then so is being raised by a single mom or being raised by an unmarried couple that breaks up because they weren't really meant for each other.
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Post by Subuatai on Mar 10, 2009 12:59:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies, as for the compromises, yup the girl has obviously made more due to her career. However the guy, due to the rushed factor of this ordeal, feels that this is going to be a marriage out of convenience, or marriage for the sake of the child - as a result the mood is lost.
He has plans to marry, but didn't expect it to be so soon, in fact the relationship has been quite rocky and they've broken up quite a few times (for months) in the past. The child is both good news and bad news. If the forced factor wasn't there he may have made such plans already, he doesn't like to make such a decision under pressure.
Also another factor, during the course of the relationship the girl has made many attempts to drive the guy into such a commitment. However the guy does not appreciate the constant pushing, and is incredibly pissed off in a way when she went off the pill. However, perhaps she's right in her view "What are we waiting for?", considering the couple has remained loyal and committed with plans for the future already, even recently spending a month in Asia together.
Due to the pressures, the guy is making plans to purchase a couple of rings for the weekend... so he's being roped into his doom (as usual when he's with his girl). He's still wishy washy in terms of this, but the worse he can do now is abandon his child without a father. However, he just doesn't feel good about all this. What can make him feel better?
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Post by ChickenSoda on Mar 10, 2009 14:19:48 GMT -5
I think that you should do what feels right to you, Subuatai.
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Post by i move the stars for no one on Mar 10, 2009 14:39:12 GMT -5
whoa,hold up.she intentionally went off the pill to get pregnant?did you know this before continuing to have unprotected sex with her? that tidbit changes things drastically.as much as this 'guy' said he was going to commit eventually the fact that he hadn't after years should have been a warning to her not to count her chickens til they hatch.if she intentionally got pregnant with the intent of binding the guy to her then the blame lies primarily with HER. it was HER decision which cost her her job and her good standing.if he guy was already wishy-washy on commitment it's not fair for her to do something that drastic to try and force his hand.the guy's not off the hook entirely,but he's also not resonsible for her decision.he has obligations to the child,of course,but the mother is responsible for the consequences of HER choices. to be fair,though,the guy should have fished or cut bait quite awhile ago.
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Post by thesa on Mar 10, 2009 15:18:10 GMT -5
^agree with you, Juniper. But I'd still say give it try, because the fact that she went off the pill intentionally (if she did so) won't make the child lose her father, right? It takes two in the end. And who knows, maybe the guy will grow fonder of his girl again, once the child is between them and both can share the joy of parenting? If the guy was never serious about the relationship in the first place, I also agree with Juniper, that the guy should've cut bait a while ago, as 'the girl has made many attempts to drive the guy into such a commitment' and he knew her heart.
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Post by i move the stars for no one on Mar 10, 2009 16:35:55 GMT -5
i guess i should have been more clear-even though,in this situation,i don't think it's necessary that he marry her,i'm also not saying they should break up.if the relationship continues,though,they both need to agree on a time frame for marriage.if the guy still can't make a comittment after,say,6 months after the child is born,he needs to let that girl get on with her life and be just a very good friend and awesome daddy.
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Post by Subuatai on Mar 10, 2009 23:46:21 GMT -5
Actually the guy isn't really sure whether she went off the pill on purpose or not. He is simply just pissed off that she went off the pill in the first place and causing this rather crazy situation. The girl did explain to him that the pill was affecting her health and professional career, and yes she did inform her boyfriend of her decision. So after that, he started wearing condoms, and if not, he pulled out... however, she still got pregnant.
So the guy isn't really sure who to blame for all this. However, he's still a tad suspicious, as this circumstance has rolled the ball completely into her favor. Despite the seemingly innocent aura she tends to portray, the guy knows that she can be extremely cunning if she wishes to. Her history of pushing for commitment is working like a criminal's history inside a courtroom, but yet he does not have any sufficient evidence to back up the claim of 'she did it on purpose'.
The couple has broken off quite a few times already in the past but always managed to get back together and reconcile. The guy has not been loyal inbetween these breakups while the girl despite many opportunities has not involved herself with other guys (at least - part of the guy doesn't believe her because if she can hide her sexual relationship from an entire community, she can easily hide a lover from her boyfriend).
Despite her pushes for commitment, the girl has some rather interesting attributes that the guy can simply not get enough of. Hence he is unable to cut bait, considering the casual girls inbetween the breakups with his girlfriend can simply not compare to her in terms of personal qualities. So he does love her, just rather stressed out about the situation.
As for the timeframe, the guy feels guilty (whether it's engineered or not, he still feels guilty) about his girlfriend abandoning her career due to the pregnancy. Therefore he still feels a sense of responsibility to his child and the child's mother, hence he wishes to make a solid decision by this weekend.
So far however, it seems there isn't really any way for the guy to escape marriage at the moment. His back is to the wall at the point of the sword. There is a possible escape, but the last thing he wishes to do is abandon his child, so he's f***ed ey?
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Post by ChickenSoda on Mar 10, 2009 23:57:29 GMT -5
There is a possible escape, but the last thing he wishes to do is abandon his child, so he's f**ked ey? Pregnancy is a pretty nasty STD, but it's curable.
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Post by Miyuki on Mar 12, 2009 3:27:14 GMT -5
Can't they just stay together and not get married for now? They should NOT get married just because of the child, IMO. That's such old fashioned thinking.
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Post by stony on Mar 12, 2009 8:52:54 GMT -5
lol, I just read this thread in it's entirety. Classic!
How could this guy be so dumb as to actually think that is a form of contraception. No wonder she got pregnant.
The pill can affect some people's health quite badly (obesity, depression, anxiety, allergies, mood swings) - and she warned him that she had to go off it due to health reasons.
He should stop contemplating that "she got pregnant on purpose", when it was his dick that got him in this situation.
I guess that 5 minute drive in the cold to 7-11 to get a pack of condoms doesn't seem so bad now.
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