celltocell
Full Member
get your blood moving
Posts: 218
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Post by celltocell on May 10, 2009 14:45:55 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I don't think there is a MAN-dar. =P It's all trial and error... how tedious! Blargh. I'm with you on avoiding anything serious at this point, just focus on yourself and the rest will follow, eventually. ^Omg, they're hiding!! Christ, so much makes sense to me now. I need a nice guy radar, that would solve a lot of my relationship problems. Until then, i think i'll just stay out of them, just to be safe. So uh.. anyone know where i can find a nice guy radar?
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Post by Subuatai on May 10, 2009 17:40:41 GMT -5
Thats what i thought, but unfortunatly i found out that actually they're just super insecure idiots and the hard side will always win by default. Ok, not all hard men are baboons, but the ones i've known *cough* dated *cough* are. Perhaps it depends on how they see women, how much they value their own integrity, etc - traits which isn't dependent on whether they have an exterior of a nice or a badass guy. In my culture men must be strong, firm, and tough. Being too nice or weak dealing with women is considered feminine. Last thing a man would want to be a doormat - even though these days I do feel LIKE a doormat (my wife is pregnant, so she has 2 more months of "Queen-status") Despite the toughness men are encouraged to portray, at the same time women are still honored and considered equals to men, and even women's wisdom is more revered then a man's (this is common amongst steppe cultures) - it was even encouraged traditionally to marry older women - which is what I did as well Perhaps travel the world, there are multitudes of cultures, and culture can play a part in what type of men you'll meet
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Post by jenbrook on May 10, 2009 21:37:00 GMT -5
Hey, what makes you think i havent travelled the world? I'm talking about the guys who just have to be as masculine as possible and cant ever let that image down for fear that someone might see how vulnerable/sensitive they really are. I.e. being a jerk to his girlfriend in front of his friends just because he cant let them see that he's actually nice to her and therefore, whipped/weak. Or he can only express anger instead of sadness/guilt because those emotions are 'unmanly'.. After i left him (my ex) he's changed dramatically and it seems i did manage to tame the beast afterall, but nah..
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Post by LaFace on May 11, 2009 1:20:07 GMT -5
Three general pieces of advice that everyone can use:
1. If you believe you have a history of being associated with the wrong type of guy/girl, have a think about where you are meeting these people, and consider looking into different settings.
2. If you want to attract the type of person that has the qualities you desire, then you need to be the type of person that will be attractive to your desired guy/girl in the first place (eg. if you want a someone that is primarily into doing outdoor activities for his/her leisure time, then being a constant party girl/boy isn't going to be the most attractive thing to such a person). If you don't wish to change or improve your own qualities in order to be attractive to the person in question, then there is a significant chance that this sort of person isn't best suited to yourself in a relationship anyway.
3. Give someone a go - get to know what type of character that person has, rather than just brushing them away because the first impression they created wasn't reminiscent of Jessica Alba, Brad Pitt etc. Guys and girls are responsible of doing this, particularly girls as they are the ones getting approached more often. Fair enough if the guy/girl was being arrogant, rude, distasteful etc, but in real life I so often see people complaining about a lack of quality out there, when they themselves are ignoring potential quality because a person's first impression after meeting them indicated perhaps nervousness, as opposed to hollywood charm. I think being more open in this sense can only be a good thing, or at the very least, something that broadens someone's horizons in the right direction.
edited for digressing
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celltocell
Full Member
get your blood moving
Posts: 218
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Post by celltocell on May 11, 2009 3:44:40 GMT -5
... Coming from someone who, unfortunately, sometimes makes horrible first impressions, I agree one hundred and ten percent. Being in uncomfortable settings sometimes causes me to silently freak out then behave unlike myself. Usually I am really good at masking when I'm feeling nervous, but it all really depends on who I am around or with. I also agree with #2. I tend to be drawn to people who share the similar interests or hobbies as me so... I'm in the clear. Three general pieces of advice that everyone can use: 3. Give someone a go - get to know what type of character that person has, rather than just brushing them away because the first impression they created wasn't reminiscent of Jessica Alba, Brad Pitt etc. Guys and girls are responsible of doing this, particularly girls as they are the ones getting approached more often. Fair enough if the guy/girl was being arrogant, rude, distasteful etc, but in real life I so often see people complaining about a lack of quality out there, when they themselves are ignoring potential quality because a person's first impression after meeting them indicated perhaps nervousness, as opposed to hollywood charm. I think being more open in this sense can only be a good thing, or at the very least, something that broadens someone's horizons in the right direction. edited for digressing
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Post by Subuatai on May 11, 2009 4:51:34 GMT -5
A wise man once said; "It's not finding the right person, it's being the right person, and they'll come to you" Nice post In the end the real problem is always maintaining the relationships you end up with. Especially if you get into a habit of comparing every girl to your ex - my problem for a VERY long time (until I met someone better)
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Post by rob on May 11, 2009 6:24:22 GMT -5
I quite liked the part where you digressed. You remind me far too much of myself (insofar as waiting is concerned)..... and i hope your patience is rewarded.
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Post by jenbrook on May 11, 2009 7:31:48 GMT -5
^You two are very sensible, i can only hope i'll have the self-control to follow suit. I think i've had enough boyfriends to fill the relationship history for about ten girls. Yeesh what a little tart i've been and its not like i've gotten anywhere because of it, its probably pulled me back more then anything. Very wise words LaFace.
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Post by radicalken on May 11, 2009 9:24:21 GMT -5
the nice person is the one who's still nice to people he/she can't get anything from. do a little healthy spying to figure it out.
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Post by rob on May 11, 2009 10:38:10 GMT -5
the nice person is the one who's still nice to people he/she can't get anything from. do a little healthy spying to figure it out. Quoted for truth. This is especially useful advice for women who are attractive, suffer from excessive attention and choose their partners (as opposed to them going out and finding the right one)..... do this spying and you'll quickly realize you're surrounded by (or fallen for) ppl whose good "qualities" are selectively channeled and forcefully regurgitated for mating purposes. Find out how your bf treats his parent (even if they 'suck')..... random passers by..... old ladies at the supermarket..... there is no such thing as a person who treats you like a god/goddess and the rest of the world like sh*t or with indifference. Decency/love/care/kindness is not a finite quantity we dispense only on a few ppl of desire.... or spread amongst a chosen few. Can't tell you how darn two-faced we are as ppl and how many times ppl get suckered in by the pageantry and facades. (Crap, why am i getting serious in this thead?!)
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Post by rob on May 11, 2009 11:17:55 GMT -5
^You two are very sensible, i can only hope i'll have the self-control to follow suit. I think i've had enough boyfriends to fill the relationship history for about ten girls. Yeesh what a little tart i've been Let me highlight I'm far from sensible, especially on these matters! and its not like i've gotten anywhere because of it, its probably pulled me back more then anything. I agree it has pulled you back and good on you for recognizing it. You've probably spent more time in relationships (or initiating/repairing/ending them) when instead you could have been developing yourself and maybe a few talents or friendships. And not very nice of me to say this..... but being in so many relationships can pull you back with someone who would have been perfect for you. Of course your friends (and you yourself) will rationalize that experience as beneficial (or at least of no consequence) for future relationships (because, let's face it you can pretty much have whoever you want) but I can't help but think the locus of possibilities is marginally smaller.... as it would lead some "truly-wonderful-person-for-you" to recoil a bit, second-guess you or potentially hold a grudge that only reveals itself very late in a long-term relationship. I know.... a truly-wonderful-person-for-you loves you in your entirety (including your experience), but I just don't buy into that 100%. I think there's a part of us, (perhaps our inner child or some fragment of the soul?) that secretly wants to be with just one person (or at least just with people we truly loved) and for whom experience is not the greatest teacher. Sorry for the soapbox spiel. My comments aren't directed to you so much as they are all the ppl/media/institutions that speak so casually of relationships and sex these days.... the prevailing view in the west seems to be "f*ck anyone you want....... just be sure to use protection ok? What? You did use a condom? Greeeat. Next"... If we could uproot ourselves from the western/EA/educated/progressive lens we see all things through, we just might view the last 50yrs of human evolution as ushering in tremendous moral collapse under the guise of 'freedom'. It's a topic we discuss in my 'regime change in the developing world' lecture ..... the most interesting part is that you can literally model the rise of religious extremism/evangelicism/terrorism as a countervailing (and surprising rational) equilibrium response to greater 'freedom' .... oh, I how digress!!
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fei
Full Member
Posts: 274
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Post by fei on May 11, 2009 14:04:06 GMT -5
Don't worry, now that you've mentioned it... I completely see what you mean based on a personal experience. I hope you find a REAL man / nice dude. I know they are out there... SOMEWHERE. Come out come out wherever you arrre. OK OK im on my way!!! Geese!! Women are more and more getting work out these days.. [im g] [/img]
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celltocell
Full Member
get your blood moving
Posts: 218
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Post by celltocell on May 11, 2009 15:09:50 GMT -5
^^ Haha! Wow! Did you take that photo yourself? That brown water brings me back memories of when I was in Vietnam.
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Post by radicalken on May 11, 2009 15:41:59 GMT -5
the nice person is the one who's still nice to people he/she can't get anything from. do a little healthy spying to figure it out. Quoted for truth. THAT said... That said, nice probably isn't the end of story. It isn't for me at least. There are nice girls out there, and I'm nice I think - but I will still judge compatibility on other things. I know enough about myself that I won't even try to pursue some things anymore. Because I know that person, even if I sort of like them, showed me a side of themselves that's going to get me packing my bags one day (or them booting me, whatever). I don't think I need to list any of these things, but we all have something that certain people will nag "Why this?" "That's crazy." blah blah. So I spare myself. I know I can be alone too, even if it's not what I prefer. I refuse to be in relationships that aren't with nice people - but also refuse to be with nice people who I have to still work out or explain too many things to, or worse, fake my way through. No thanks
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fei
Full Member
Posts: 274
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Post by fei on May 11, 2009 22:53:19 GMT -5
^^ Haha! Wow! Did you take that photo yourself? That brown water brings me back memories of when I was in Vietnam. Xin chao,Yes i took that pic when im in Jakarta having my ship repair at the dock. So you have been to Ho chi minh or Hanoi? I have been to Hanoi before but for a few days, as i bring sand in from Kok Kong Cambodia for the reclaimation project in Tuas Spore.
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