What are the fundamental things you seek in a potential gf/bf ouside of physical attraction: Is it sharing a similar culture / social background, personality, wealth, tastes, religion, nationality, open-mindedness, brains.. ?
Last Edit: Oct 23, 2009 14:13:21 GMT -5 by Ganbare!
Everything you listed above actually - a similar culture / social background, personality, wealth, tastes, religion, nationality, open-mindedness, brains...
My girlfriends have all been really smart, middle-class, not very religious, and pretty international but beyond that they've been pretty different.Some of my exes have been really geeky, while my wife is a girly-girl, and none of them have shared my taste in music and movies. As for personalities, my wife and I couldn't be more different but it works for us.
Like sweetfart, I always thought I'd look for the female version of me but it turns out that the female me does not exist, and even if it did, I don't know if I would find it too attractive...
I'm a distant cousin of Singaporean pop sensation Dìck Lee. Bruce would have been a lot cooler but I'll take it.
Similar values. Very important. No point in being with someone who doesn't share the same values as you.
Similar long-term wants/goals in life and similar desires for lifestyle. There could be some compromise but so long as you can make that compromise it's fine.
Someone I trust. 110%. In order for this to happen their heart has to be in the right place and they can't be a guy (and this probably rules out 99% of guys) who generally would indulge in a one night stand as (this is really probably quite harsh of me) I don't think I could actually trust someone who had history of one nighters.
Basically (and tied to the values/heart being in the right place stuff), I couldn't be with someone who treated people like sh*t. And that applies to anyone- be it your maid, someone else's maid, your waitor, or that person who holds the door open for you but you just don't bother thanking (this is my biggest pet peeve; save if the person looks clearly distracted).
I genuinely don't care how much money he makes, so long as they have drive of some sort/are passionate about something. Absolute lack of it is a turn-off. I understand sometimes someone may not be where they want to be- but so long as they have aspirations and do something about it (even if it's baby steps) then it shows they want to make something of themselves. Additionally, I figure if I want a nice lifestyle for myself then it's something I need to work towards attaining and not rely on someone else to attain that for me. To be honest, so long as I'm 'comfortable' then I really don't need to be filthy rich, or even near it.
Regarding passion- they just have to be passionate about something, even if it's their dog, or if one month they love knitting and the next it's ice hockey.
I don't care if his interests are not my interests, so long as there is support for each other in pursuing each other's interests. I don't think having almost zero interests in common is a deal breaker at all, although it's nice to have some sort of shared activity. I think you just need to be able to let each other just do what makes them happy (and you might learn something about a subject/sport/instrument/I don't know what that you may not have ever learnt about through being with them).
Hmmmm...oh and generally must do some kind of exercise/have some self-restraint. I guess this is because it's important to me and it's perhaps based on the fact I always saw my dad pursue active pursuits and I see how much it has helped him and his health.
Must not smoke. Must not spend every night out clubbing. I'm not a big clubber/drinker (I think I did all of that at Uni) although sometimes it's fun of course. But I don't NEED to do it or count it as a hobby.
Must not be picky food wise...fine if you're a vegetarian but vegan is probably too far for me. Fine if you are allergic to something/don't like something BUT you must be open to trying different foods from different cultures (not wanting to eat abalone is perfectly excusable though).
Must be culturally open. In an ideal world of course they would know/understand some sort of Chinese culture, but it's not important if they don't so long as they're open to it. My mum is a crazy asian lady after all, and even if we are not like two peas in a pod, she is still my mum and still someone who I therefore can't help but care about (even if it may not seem that way!).
Must be as intelligent/complement my intelligence in some way.
Must be able to be serious but at the same time can indulge in banter. I also find it hard being with someone who isn't very talktative/generally is in a depressive mood as in a very close one-on-one relationship I generally can't shut up and will talk about ANYTHING (it can get very random, my current boyfriend never understand how my mind goes from one thing to the next). Actually, let's rephrase that, if they're not talkative, that's fine, but they have to listen to my crap. Well 50% of it at least. At the same time, I think of course you should be able to just be happy being silent together. Ok, I'm getting incredibly picky here.
About depressive moods...I'm hopeless at staying mad for a long time. I generally have it out (I also can't hide my feelings) and then it's over with. Whoever I'm with has to appreciate that. (at the same, I have to learn to appreciate other people may not work the same as me emotionally, and may take longer to get over fights/arguments/conflict etc). I'm not sure why this is included...but, I think I'm trying to say I can be quite firey (and at first meething I may deceptively appear otherwise) so whoever I'm with has to be able to put up with that!!!
And...this is something I've increasingly realised as important....they must not think the relationship is responsible for their happiness. It's not. You have to find your own happiness before you can be happy with someone else; and always recognise that you cannot put any feelings of dissatisfaction in life down to the relationship. You cannot rely on your partner to give you everything you need or want to be perfectly (or as near to it) happy. You have to keep working on yourself (and also keep working on the relationship- no one can ever read your mind/communicate in the same way as you do).
Finally- if it's REALLY serious- they have to want kids because I've always wanted them. I've know this one to break up relationships after years of being together (it was the female who didn't want them in most cases!)
Yeah, that's probably a pretty long list, but that's what I look for if I'm interested in a proper relationship.
I am *so* done with relationships. In 50 years when I forget I said that I can imagine my response to this thread might be:
- Same religion (Catholicism)......not a friggin naive-as-f*ck Catholic or a bible-thumper...... probably someone as equally faithful and disillusioned, well-meaning, conservative and intellectually humble.
- Moral conservatism (in the absence of being the 'perfect' Catholic). This is pretty important to me....... trust me in that I can get my fair share of girls .... there's a reason I didn't/don't whore myself out and I'd kinda expect the same sacrifice in return. I am so done with tertiary educated, left-leaning, pro-NGO, vegetarians who think relationship bliss is found in openness, experimentation and trial and error. I know there's merit in that argument but it's my personal preference to do most of my learning and f*cking up with as few people as possible.
- High Performing/Achiever/Talented. I always thought I'd get along with the ingenue or "kindergarten teacher" type..... and I was proven wrong. I fly in some pretty high circles and if I set my mind on something, I get it done. With age, I realize I get along best with people who can swim in similar circles, have a talent that they're honing and/or some overriding ambition in life that goes beyond sucking, f*cking, consuming and raising children like 95% of the world.
- Big heart that goes beyond just me: I think I need to be with someone who is pretty selfless, loving and generous......esp to people that she doesn't know. And I don't mean in a 'save-the-world', help-humanity sense..... just someone who's really kind.... much more than average. More important, I also need someone who can forgive and embrace me for my flaws/mistakes. God knows I've got a ton of them..... I don't think they were my fault, but they're there nonetheless.
- Classical Music-inclined - Music is pretty core to me. I'm a failed performer (chose to chase $$$ and science ahead of it) and I find amazing beauty in nearly every type of piece/song/genre........ esp classical. I tend to get along best with fellow classical musicians..... somehow I think we were all born for a different time and we all feel horribly out of place.
- Mixed race - Never thought I would say that. I really never gave a crap about race my whole life...... but I've reached a point now where I really do think race is important. Mono-racials simply can't relate to us as well as we can to each other. What we have, what we go through is just so unique and so special (including the negative stuff)....... you need someone who can understand this without having to explain it at all.
^I don't know who you are, but you seem petty to me. If the two of us can co-exist on this board, you can drop all your innuendos, can't you? Or are you that mean spirited of a heifer?
Oh man, you haven't changed in 6 years nffffnurse....... feed off an innocuous comment, manufacture offence and then unleash vitriol.....
But no, it's not over yet.
The next step in your countlessly repeated algorithm is to initiate a catfight, tell us how everyone has always had it out for you, follow it up with some boastful tale about how strong-willed you are, how physically fit you are [complete with push-up picture], how great a husband you have.... and then when you hear the eerie silence of support, you disappear...... for exactly 8.3 months.
Before this spirals further, perhaps I can implore you to skip to your final step. I'm bored already.
PS - I thought you were nffnurse. If you're not, no need to be an ass.
eh? 1. I have no idea where that reply to my post came from from anothername etc. I haven't been petty about anything...and it was a comment directed at you anyway Rob. That's always OK :-D. Especially when my saucony bag is under threat...
2. I didn't reply earlier and if it is nffnurse I used to get along OK with her. I've been sitting in a bar with Helen drinking Mango Daquiris since 8pm (clearly adding those alcohol pounds to my heifer like frame ;-))
3. I'm not hypocritical and kind of curious to know why you think that.
4. I'm sure the person you ultimately end up with probably will surprise you. I'm sorry to hear you have had bad experiences with 'diversity', but I think that's more of a problem with general incompatibility rather than the fact they were e.g. a kindergarten teacher. The problem with being too similar is lack of space, lack of conflict (or too much) lack of stimulation etc. Personally I always think values and communication are the two biggies.
...... but I've reached a point now where I really do think race is important. Mono-racials simply can't relate to us as well as we can to each other. What we have, what we go through is just so unique and so special (including the negative stuff)....... you need someone who can understand this without having to explain it at all.
I thought that I had simply had problems relating to monoracials (who had a world view that you were either part of their race, or a different race), but alas, I find that I can't really relate to multi-racials either -- their experience is completely different. . . .
Still wondering if I should check out more of the transracial adoptees, or simply experiment with aliens.