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Post by koreanHapa on Oct 26, 2009 18:14:57 GMT -5
Would your parents be ok if you marry a black woman or a black man??
I am 1/2 Korean and 1/2 White
I am going out with an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and overall awesome girl who happens to be black. She makes me feel wonderful when I'm with her, and I'm totally in love:) !! However when I mentioned this to my parents, they were really really upset both of them!!
When the two of them were getting married both families were deadset against it, and didn't want them marrying outside their race. Nevertheless they still got married despite the opposition.
Isn't it so hypocrytical for them to tell me not to date someone of a different race when they themselves married outside their race???
I love my parents to death, and they made many sacrifices for me, and I hate the fact that I'm causing them stress!!!
How do your parents feel towards you dating/ marrying a black man or woman??
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Post by LaFace on Oct 26, 2009 18:24:13 GMT -5
How certain are you that they were upset because of her race?
If you are sure that it was because of this, then yes, it does seem unfair, and perhaps you could chat about it further with them but in a more civilised manner/setting.
You need to be really sure that race is the reason they are upset though, as there may be something else that doesn't sit right with them (eg perhaps she eats live dingoes, or eats the hamburger before the chips).
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Post by koreanHapa on Oct 26, 2009 19:25:48 GMT -5
they haven't met her, so it wouldn't be that.
Do you think your parents would be ok with you being with a black person?? I'm just curious what other parents of eurasians feel about this.
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Post by betahat on Oct 26, 2009 19:43:23 GMT -5
I'm shocked your parents would react that way, especially given that their own families put up opposition. My own parents never had any problems with their families and I can't believe they would ever put up opposition to someone purely on the basis of race.
Have they said specifically that they were upset because she was black? Or was it more implicit?
They haven't met her, but do they know anything about her? Have you sold her to them based on all of her good points? Is it possible they think you're too young to be dating?
Supposing your fear is correct and they are flat-out racist against black people, you have to be very delicate. While part of me says you should tell your parents go eff themselves, it's not really that easy is it? My only suggestion is to sell her to them - tell them all the great things about her - and also try to understand where their racism is coming from and subtly dig away at it. You don't really have any good options here, but if you really love this girl, you owe it to yourself and to her to try to make it work for a bit and give your parents a bit of time to come around. If they see you happy and get used to the idea of you dating a black girl, it might chip away at their racist certainty. Good luck!
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Post by koreanHapa on Oct 26, 2009 20:02:51 GMT -5
I'm shocked your parents would react that way, especially given that their own families put up opposition. My own parents never had any problems with their families and I can't believe they would ever put up opposition to someone purely on the basis of race. Have they said specifically that they were upset because she was black? Or was it more implicit? They haven't met her, but do they know anything about her? Have you sold her to them based on all of her good points? Is it possible they think you're too young to be dating? Supposing your fear is correct and they are flat-out racist against black people, you have to be very delicate. While part of me says you should tell your parents go eff themselves, it's not really that easy is it? My only suggestion is to sell her to them - tell them all the great things about her - and also try to understand where their racism is coming from and subtly dig away at it. You don't really have any good options here, but if you really love this girl, you owe it to yourself and to her to try to make it work for a bit and give your parents a bit of time to come around. If they see you happy and get used to the idea of you dating a black girl, it might chip away at their racist certainty. Good luck! It's not because I'm young. It can't be that. It's not anything about her other than her race. They are not overtly racist, they get along with their black coworkers very well. They just don't want a black person in the family. My mom told me (perhaps half jokingly) that the kids would be too mixed up. Maybe it's that they fear that they wouldn't get along with or relate with her family. But mostly I think its because of the preconcieved notions and stereotypes they have against black people in general. The other thing is that they are divorced and their own marriage has been very rocky, the two families never really got along, and perhaps they feel that part of it was the race issue, and they think that relationships are easier if it's a person from your culture/ethnic group. In other words they probably feel that they themselves made a mistake by marrying outside of their race and life would be better easier had they married within their own ethnic group and they don't want me to make the same mistake. |
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Post by milkman's baby on Oct 26, 2009 21:37:47 GMT -5
There have actually been a couple threads regarding this.
Funny how many white families see Asians as equals, or at least better than black people. In my experience, there are two different reasons why families generally wouldn't accept a black person in the family:
1) Bad experiences and stereotypes. The only black people they've been around were the poor, loud, ghetto ones who commit crimes and all the other negative attributes that come with poverty. Some people are aware that it's not race but poverty that causes such behavior, yet they still can't get over it. These types would probably also not accept a Hispanic, Amerindian, etc. in the family. Had black people been on the complete opposite end of the economic spectrum, being mostly rich and well-educated in statistics, this probably wouldn't be an issue.
or
2) Regardless of how many well-educated and affluent black people they may know, many people just flat out see black people as another species. Blacks stand out as different more than any other race because they are distinctly dark. They descended from a continent with a weak civilization and people find reasons to use this against black people today. It's part of the whole "you can take the boy outta the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the boy" theory. Somehow, people think it would be abnormal to marry a black person. They feel black people are genetically and anthropologically inferior to other races. They might accept an Asian or even a Hispanic or Amerindian in the family, but a black person is forbidden territory.
Now, some families constitute both 1 and 2. Neither is more excusable than the other, but I think I would much rather have number 1 for parents than number 2. What's really freaky about all this is that these families may actually seem totally unracist in everyday life: have black friends, black co-workers, interact happily with blacks and all.
Anyway, I don't know your parents so I can't say what they're thinking and how they'd react if you discussed it with them. But I will say that in my life I've witnessed that 8 times out of ten families will not compromise on such issues. You can address the issue with them and tell them how you feel, but I don't think I'd fight them on it. Unfortunately, there are silly characteristics about a significant other that families will just never accept and you have to let the person go. I hope it works out for you, but I am sorry if it doesn't. That's just the way society is sometimes.
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Post by palaver on Oct 26, 2009 21:42:16 GMT -5
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Kush
Junior Member
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Posts: 153
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Post by Kush on Oct 28, 2009 21:07:28 GMT -5
I'm fairly sure they'd be fine with it. In a way, if they weren't I'd actually quite enjoy the challenge of convincing them otherwise.
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Post by milkman's baby on Oct 28, 2009 21:43:48 GMT -5
The thing is, these issues usually don't come up for Eurasian males because rarely do any date/marry black women. Eurasians mostly pursue full whites or full Asians, and if any EA is likely to pursue someone who doesn't fall within the two categories it's most likely a female EA.
I have never heard of a man with Asian heritage who was involved with a black woman unless he was also part black.
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Post by koreanHapa on Oct 29, 2009 12:59:53 GMT -5
I have never heard of a man with Asian heritage who was involved with a black woman unless he was also part black. Well now you have. I agree it is pretty rare. I'm not really sure why, there are so many gorgeous black women especially here in New York City, why would anyone exclude a whole population out of their dating pool. One reason could be that Asian parents are generally against this, however this wouldn't explain the fact that there are many asian woman/black men couples. Another reason could be that it is just so rare and not depicted in the media, it doesn't cross the minds of asian men, it's not part of their schema. I'll tell you one thing from my exprerience, whenever I approach black women, for the most part they are VERY receptive and interested. So if any EA's or Asian men out there think that black women aren't interested, that's definitely a misconception. It's up to you to approach the next hot black girl you see and start a conversation. |
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Post by haplotype on Oct 29, 2009 13:20:01 GMT -5
I've heard of plenty of other hapa families that had the same hypocrisies concerning other cultures. As far as I have seen, it's the norm of human conduct to be highly hypocritical, regardless of who people say they are.
On hapa forums, what you'll usually get are boasts by other hapas that their family is more liberal than yours.
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Post by milkman's baby on Oct 29, 2009 13:33:24 GMT -5
I have never heard of a man with Asian heritage who was involved with a black woman unless he was also part black. Well now you have. It's surprising, but in a good way. If anything, it helps bring down the stereotype of Asians being drooling racists a notch or two. Yes, all of that attributes to why they don't date black women. But a lot of it is just in part to the American media's sense of beauty and attraction: white women. Black women are the furthest on the physical spectrum from white women, more so than Asians or Hispanics. So of course anyone who is washed over by the white-is-right standard is not going to have a taste for black women. This, and probably also the sheer fact of socio-economic differences. There is no denying that blacks and Hispanics on average make lower incomes than Asians. People marry those who are similar in economic status. Hence, Asians don't marry blacks or Hispanics. So whether you like it or not, you and your girlfriend are in fact in the minority. Very, very rare. |
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Post by koreanHapa on Oct 29, 2009 14:26:46 GMT -5
Yes, all of that attributes to why they don't date black women. But a lot of it is just in part to the American media's sense of beauty and attraction: white women. Black women are the furthest on the physical spectrum from white women, more so than Asians or Hispanics. So of course anyone who is washed over by the white-is-right standard is not going to have a taste for black women. This, and probably also the sheer fact of socio-economic differences. There is no denying that blacks and Hispanics on average make lower incomes than Asians. People marry those who are similar in economic status. Hence, Asians don't marry blacks or Hispanics. The socioeconomic factor you speak of is true, but is less true than it was at any other time in american history. There is a rapidly growing black middle class, that is larger than at any time in history. In fact in some areas such as in queens the average black family incomes has surpassed that of whites: www.nytimes.com/2006/10/01/nyregion/01census.htmlThe other factor to consider is that the black people are extremely heterogeneous, there for example recent african immigrants(the highest earning and most educated ethnic group in the United States) then there are the west indians, who are also generally very successful. and finally the "traditional" or "normal" african americans who still fare the worst. |
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Post by Phil on Nov 4, 2009 23:46:32 GMT -5
Anyong KoreanHapa! I wish the both of you all the best. Love is our purest most powerful, truest .. whatever it is. Its more than a feeling or an emotion. Its a creative force. Create what you want. Your folks can be swayed by witnessing what you two have got going.
I went on a couple dates with a Black/White girl. When I showed my friend (asian) a pic of her he was surprised "Shes black!".
Same friend a few weeks ago was talking to a girl at work, she happened to be black. He told me she was quite into him and he found her really cool and hot. But he said he'd hook one of his black friends up with her, like she wasn't an option for him.
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Post by Ganbare! on Nov 8, 2009 22:01:35 GMT -5
Maybe you should consider that your parents were thinking about how your potential mixed children will be treated in this -still- racist world. Marriages of love often do not last long even less when they involve mixed race couples and reluctant families but if you're willing to take the risk just go for it !
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