Feeling Miserable after Breakup

[hypeforlife91]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 11 1/2 months and just recently he decided he needs some time and that he doesn't want a relationship now because it complicates things because we kept arguing before it. However, he said that he still loves me. He said that he wants to get back the bond we used to have. Wtf. I am so confused now. This has never happened to us before. He's my first boyfriend.

Now these couple weeks after the breakup I've been trying very hard to be happy. I tried to use schoolwork to keep myself busy and tried to hang out with friends and talk with my family. I tried to watch comedies and do the things I like. But it just seems so wrong that the person you're dating for so long is suddenly not there and not there to share it with you. Worse part is, he seems to be mad at me and wants to avoid me.

He used to be really sweet to me but then he changed. Now all he does is play war games and get drunk. He does not have a good relationship with his family, so he gets stressed out because of them a lot. But back then even when that happens- as long as I'm there, he gets happy again. But now, when he gets stressed, he gets mad at me too and takes his anger out on me. I was concerned about him so I asked him what is wrong and that I'm there to help him. He didn't answer me, but instead yelled at me. So I said on impulse for the first time ever, "Do you want to split up?" He just left.

Then we decided to just be friends and it has been 2 weeks now. I feel so stupid for saying that I want to split, but yet at the same time agree that we might need space. Some people say that relationships need struggles and we need to get through hardships. But I feel so bad now though; I want him back. Other people might not see anything in him, but I see a future with him. I hate it when he says he's not good enough for me. I know he's still thinking that, maybe that's why he doesn't want me anymore.

What should I do? I feel so sad now. I keep telling myself to be strong; be happy. But I still feel so miserable and still love him. It isn't like me at all. Nothing seems to be working to make me seriously happy again. Some people tell me to just move on [there are other fish in the sea], but I do not envision myself with someone else.

Our would-be anniversary is almost here, I can't believe he's not there.

[monroe]

UGH, not you too I though I was the only one having s*** luck in this regard.

Until recently I was perfectly content just getting in shape and preparing to hopefully go off to war, but I met someone. I won't get into too many details, but we seemed to share just about every interest, only she was individually herself, and I, myself. But really, I just felt at peace when she was around and our differences made me appreciate her more.

So it takes me two weeks to realize I'd become infatuated. Just thinking about her allowed me to sprint those extra miles instead of jog, or go twice as far underwater without coming up for a breath.

I've never feared rejection and I've done the one-night stand thing. Hell, it wasn't more than months ago that I was at Hooters trying to get a girl to go to a service event with me (she did). But when I thought about how I might go about with this one, I got nervous. Maybe that's where I went wrong.

A couple more weeks pass and I still don't know how to approach her. So I wing it, I ended up putting my heart out there and when I was done, she said nothing. She just went away and I haven't heard from her since. It's been a little bit over a week now and I'm not really sure what to do. Reflecting on it, I probably came on a little to strong.

I've tried things to keep myself busy and do my best to stay happy and professional around work, but off the clock I feel like a wreck. There's a big hole in my day now-when I'm not out exercising or doing Muay Thai-where I just surf the internet or stare at a wall when I don't feel like doing that. I can count the hours of sleep I've gotten since then on my hands. Really considering drinking this away, but that'd probably just end up getting me in trouble.

Our situations are different, but I sort of feel what your going through. I mean, they're two different things, you've come out of a long relationship and I've failed to start what would have been my first. Sorry though, I promise I'm not trying to steal your thunder.

*I don't have any specific advice because I'm failing at this spectacularly, but keep your head up. Time should heal this.

[hypeforlife91]

My boyfriend is very stubborn. He almost always never wants to admit that he is wrong. He always tries his best to justify his actions that is where it gets nasty. Sometimes it is so obvious that he is wrong, yet I just suck it up in the end because I love him.

He just thinks that it would make him less manly if he says "sorry". =/

I just got real confused and suggested the split out of impulse because he wasn't listening to me at all, ignored me, and then yelled.

He LOVES avoiding problems, but rarely listens to you. But I got used to that since he was a very sweet guy to me.

I wish he would just wake up and realize that it is okay to be wrong. I'll still love him.

[palavore]

Four years together is married to me. The ring and certificate don't mean that much. Anyway, unless it's spontaneous aggression, most guys have a plan for their relationships. His plans changed and he's not open to telling you the details. Guys will hint and make excuses, but you'll never hear about their new plans.

Anyway, some most guys end relationships simply because they feel that they are losing control, especially if he's losing face in front of his male peers. Sad to say, but they will walk out then walk back in just to re-establish this sense of control.

Unless... he walks in too late. But it's up to you whether you should punish him like that. First loves are a delicate issue because you'll remember too much of it later in life.

[monroe]

I won't pass any judgement, but have you tried explaining to him what's wrong in a calm, assertive manner?

Shouting lowers standing in an arguement (or something to that effect) and by staying calm you'll already have something over him. It may also calm him down if he's acting irrational. Takes a lot of discipline, though.

Palavore,

the whole concept of face is a burden on our shoulders. It means little to me now, for which I'm glad. If nothing new comes of my situation in a week, I'll make contact myself. Maybe we'll go our separate ways, maybe something good will come of it. But I refuse to sit by and wonder what could have been.

[betahat]

"My boyfriend is very stubborn. He almost always never wants to admit that he is wrong. He always tries his best to justify his actions that is where it gets nasty. Sometimes it is so obvious that he is wrong, yet I just suck it up in the end because I love him."

No men like to admit that they are wrong, ever. The secret is to find a guy who is usually right so this does not become a constant source of friction.
I don't think relationships are meant to be as hard as you make out - you lost the bond you used to have, he doesn't get along with his family, he gets mad at you and takes his anger out on you, yelling, getting nasty, never saying he's sorry.

These to me are not signs of a healthy relationship, so it makes perfect sense to me that you broke it off. It really shouldn't be that hard.

As for the "change" he experienced, if you look back are you really sure it was a sudden change? All relationships have the initial period of infatuation, raging hormones, and butterflies that can paper over any shortcoming, but people's fundamental personalities and attitudes don't change. It's nice to think that some "external" event caused a personality change in your boyfriend who used to be nice and now is very troubled, but unless he is experiencing a mental illness (not impossible or all that unlikely IMHO though he sounds like the kind of guy who would never get treatment) it's pretty hard to switch from "sweet" to nasty SOB. I get that he has issues at home, it seems like you have been unable to "crack" them or talk about them at all.

I think you mentioned on another thread that he was quite a bit older than you - I was going to say that the lack of emotional intimacy you were experiencing might be a product of youth.
I was exactly like that at 17 with my then gf - not the angry part, but definitely preferring to focus on activities rather than work on emotional intimacy, talking about our feelings, hopes, and fears - and I think most guys are like that at that age (or in their first relationship). And I think it was a major factor in my gf dumping me at the time. We said we'd remain friends but it rarely happens that way. I more or less had to be trained by my now wife five years ago - she is very good at asking for and getting what she wants, and I think that's really important for women if they have an accomodating man who really loves them (e.g.me, not sure about your bf) but really don't know what the hell they are doing and don't understand what women want.

Anyway, it sounds to me like he is deeply insecure to begin with (his comments about not being good enough for you) and that you initiating the break-up must have really hurt him deeply. If you really want to be with him - and I'm not so sure it's a great idea frankly - I'm afraid that you will probably have to be the one to make the groveling apology and declaration of love, his hurt pride probably won't allow him. Certainly once I was dumped the first time I didn't put up any fight even though I (at he time) thought I loved her.

[hypeforlife91]

Aug 1, 2010 9:46:08 GMT -5 palavore said:

Anyway, some most guys end relationships simply because they feel that they are losing control, especially if he's losing face in front of his male peers. Sad to say, but they will walk out then walk back in just to re-establish this sense of control.
\

He did mention once about a friend who completely changed (i.e. started doing every 'cause of the girl, spending most of his time with the girl and not his friends,etc.) because of a girl and he thought that was really silly and stupid. He just said recently that he doesn't let personal feelings get in between friendships.

Sometimes I think that he thinks his friends are more important than me and he respects them a lot more. Maybe that's because he knows I'm going to forgive him and I'm going to be the one who gives in at the end. That is why he isn't afraid to lose me, but I'm afraid to lose him.

I am always calm when I talk to him. I almost never get angry at anyone unless something is seriously bothering me, I'm at my max boiling point, or just isn't right (which is pretty rare.)

[hypeforlife91]

I can't stop crying now.

[hypeforlife91]

He's such a jerk.

[monroe]

You know, that's not always a bad thing. Sometimes, everything just boils over and we can't seem to control our frustration. It's probably even difficult to understand why it's happening, but it's better than letting it fester.

Whatever comes of it, here's to hoping you find your best answer. Keep busy, but take it easy.

[palavore]

Aug 1, 2010 16:53:11 GMT -5 hypeforlife91 said:

Sometimes I think that he thinks his friends are more important than me and he respects them a lot more. Maybe that's because he knows I'm going to forgive him and I'm going to be the one who gives in at the end. That is why he isn't afraid to lose me, but I'm afraid to lose him.

Sounds like quite a mismatch in expectations. You are young, relationships have become more non-traditional, women are more independent, and they have more options in terms of gender ratio--also more men than women are also losing their jobs in this recession. You really shouldn't be that afraid. This is as good a time as it gets for women to break up and dump that couch potato! There's not much that you should have to put up with.

Anway, you have something his friends don't have. You might have heard a guy say, "If only my best friend was a girl...". It's a pretty gutsy and gay thing to say, but usually they mean something like it--and that's where I stop drinking.

[hypeforlife91]

I want to try to cut all contact with him for several weeks to see if things get better, but I can't seem to get my mind off of him. I miss him constantly. All the silly stuff I'm doing to kill time doesn't seem to be working as well as I thought it would.

The thought of him with another girl makes my stomach turn. Today he told me "then wait" when I said that I can give him time. I don't know what on earth that means. I don't want to be some backup girl or "just in case lady" meaning that IF he is interested in someone else and it doesn't work out between them, he'll have me. That makes me feel like crap.

I wish I can get into his head and know his thoughts. As long as he doesn't want anyone else and still loves me, I am willing to wait for him.

I cried so hard last night and today that my eyes are pretty blind now. I haven't cried like this ever.

[hypeforlife91]

The even worse part now is that I feel that it is all my fault. It is like torture. I actually suggested the break up at the heat of the moment when he was feeling stressed and frustrated already. He went along with it.

So today,
he said: "You broke [up with?] me when you asked that question. You started. I finished."
I'm not sure if he meant broke me or broke up with me. Either way is just as awful.

That made me feel awful, but it was true.

[monroe]

Don't start blaming yourself for this. He sounds like a pretty spiteful guy to respond like that, especially if you were trying to make up-but what do I know.

I'm going to go find an answer to my problem. Maybe it won't be the answer I want, but I can move on. Perhaps I'll turn it into a little, character-building story. Something like, the first time I took a woman seriously.

after Muay Thai

[betahat]

Maybe you need to think more about the impulse that made you ask him if he wanted to split up? Was it the first time the idea ever popped into your head? Did you immediately want to /try to take it back?

If it really was just a heat of the moment thing then maybe all you guys need is a break. Or maybe it was inevitable and you were drifting apart anyway, in which case don't kick yourself for saying that.