Racist White-Asian couples make me hate my own birth

[eanhapa]

I'm not saying all white guy, asian girl couples are bad, but many both online and in person, are extremely disparaging towards Asian men; and make it seem like their whole relationship is based on disparaging Asian masculinity. As a Half Asian man myself this is extremely depressing and disheartening, and has ruined my own relationship with my white dad and asian mom. It has also destroyed my confidence towards ever forming a romantic relationship myself. 

I don't want to see my life absorbed and taken over by this angst, as so many other Hapa guys online have been. And yet its hard to escape it, and not be sucked into the negativity. How do I stop hating on these relationships, when its making me feel like my own conception and birth is something evil? 

[admin]

No matter who you are, there will always be someone who looks down on you unfairly. The trap you can fall into is to give them power by considering what they have to say. If you actively look for negativity, you will surely find it. If you look for positivity, you will find that, too. Try focusing on the good stuff you see and don't internalize the hateful nonsense. I have several male friends I see regularly who are Asian/Caucasian mixes. They are all well-adjusted people in good relationships. I'd also ask you to give your parents a break. Regardless of ethnicity concerns, being married is hard and being a parent is even harder. The reason you find a lot of online angst is because online is where angsty guys go. I'd pull the plug for a while and try to hang around some positive people and see how that works out for you. One thing to add is that your location can have a lot to do with your opportunities. Where do you live (if you don't mind revealing publicly)? My purely anecdotal observation is that mixed-race people tend to do better in urban, progressive areas. I wish this forum were more active so you could get some support here - I know there are a lot of people who would echo my sentiments and add even better thoughts of their own.

[ealuv]

Johnny Depp is successful despite being mixed race..

(He has significant Native American/indian blood, as well as being related to the 1st freed black lady. He is proud of his French/German last name and has a beautiful French daughter.)


There is nothing wrong with wanting to seek out other EAs, tho. I find I am accepted by both crowds tho my downfall is my mixed race. No one is interested in me because I act like I'm more European and we have to agree to disagree.



Lately, I've considered how important marriage is and kids.  We need to hurry up it seems so everyone isn't taken. I would probably only marry an EA or a white person. In fact, I was going to infiltrate into Norway and have my kids raised Norwegian. However, I ended up starting to learn Finnish. I might even major or minor in a program that teaches Russian and maybe take a little German.. will look good on my record.  I did find Scandinavian languages are supposedly all similar. I tried learning some Russian, and it was fun, but their alphabet I know is different. I have a little booklet. As EAs, we're probably gifted for mixed tongue.

[jefe]

Hey (Putts), long time no see.

We have to see how we can resurrect the idea of this discussion board.

BTW, Putts, I am not sure that it is that helpful to others to simply say that you know a lot of EAN/Hapa men who are well adjusted. Hearing that from other people did nothing to help me with my problems. But I agree that it is better not to hang around places which will only spew out negativity without simultaneously strive to formulate positive solutions.

Anyhow, I think that EAN/Hapa sons of Asian women and white men where both parents repeatedly bash Asian men can find it quite troubling, esp. if he gets treated as an Asian male by the general public, at least some of the time. The society at large is already bashing Asian males to the max; it is worse when you come home to a household that does the same thing.

One way to attack the issue is to commiserate with other similarly situated men. Given the explosive growth in AW/WM families, you are certainly not alone. Unfortunately, this forum is so dead now, that this might not work so well, but there are other ones. Also, in some ways, that might be spreading more negativity around and if not carefully monitored, is not good.

Another way might involve seeking mental health professionals, but only those with specific experience in dealing with mixed race individuals. Maybe you can check out the website of Dr. Maria P.P. Root (http://www.drmariaroot.com/). She can probably refer you to resources in your geographical area. Sons of Asian mothers and white fathers both of whom bash Asian males would be a specific subgroup of these people with their own mental health issues.

Finally, I could say that eanhapa guy has taken a very important first step, ie, recognizing that there is an issue with his parents and has made a decision not to let this cause him to fall into a self-feeding trap of internalized racism. Another is to not take your parents' racist views personally. See them for what they are -- their views.

So, another way to deal with it is to turn it around into something positive. I am not sure what field you are studying or working in, but go out and teach people about this problem. Along the way, you will discover ways of helping other guys in this situation.

Have you heard of film director Eric Byler? He lives in Northern Virginia and has a Chinese-American mother and white father and has done many films examining the Asian American and Hapa experience. He obviously went to seek an avenue to explore and deal with these issues.
Actually, I have met his mother, who is a good friend of my Aunt and I think I will see if I can meet him next time I am in the DC area.

[eanhapa]

Very late reply, but I've been thinking over these issues again and been feeling pretty depressed about it. Some of the stuff that WMAF couples say online is REALLY, REALLY, nasty and it hits me very hard as a Half-Asian male who looks mostly Asian, and has not been very successful in life. Which matches with stereotypes and stats of East Asian men being the least attractive. I don't feel that my parents have been fair in fully acknowledging the problems that Asian men face in the West. Although how much it would accomplish if they did acknowledge it is questionable. If my parents said tomorrow we admit that you Hapa men have it terrible, IDK if it would improve my life at all. Still sometimes I do still resent it, and feel like they lack sympathy and empathy for their own son, for not being more open to the racial issues I'm facing. They make me out to be the racist, for raising the ugly side of racemixing so much.

The bad WMAF couples on the web, they really hit me hard. I don't know if they represent the majority, or are just very loud bad apples. It could just be that those who define their relationship in primarily racial terms, constantly bringing up the White-Asian nature of it, are going to be the ones who have the worst racial and gender views.

They say living well is the best revenge. And its true if my life were going better, I probably wouldn't be so depressed about anonymous comments on the internet, or what WMAFs across the Pacific are doing. If I had good friends and a relationship with a white woman; these things wouldn't get to me. I think its ok for me as a Hapa to say I prefer white women, if Chris above can say shes prefers European men.

Maybe I have let statistics and sociology cloud my head, too much. Its not like I need to be friends with everyone in the world. If I just had a small group of nonracist friends, and could convince one girl to like me; then all these big social trends wouldn't have to hit me so personally. Since I've kind of isolated myself from people, I've started thinking of myself more as a statistic than a person.

Here are some of my thoughts that keep me depressed

1. I believe a large number of WMAF relationships are very problematic if not outright racist and sexist. I admit that this perception has been shaped by the internet and pop culture. But even the ones who aren't bad, like my own parents, since there is so much more WMAF than AMWF, I can't help but feel that it sends the message that East Asian men are the worst race of men.

2. I feel like East Asian men are the least attractive race of men. And there are plenty of studies to back me up on this feeling. And I feel like the huge WMAF to AMWF imbalance is just further proof of it. I'm Half white, but I look mostly Asian and get treated as Asian.

I started believing people were cruel and evil; and so I socially isolated myself. But that just exposed me more to the vitriol of the internet, and so ironically by isolating myself from humanity; I'm just more bombarded than ever by the evils of human nature. I don't think my parents are bad people really, but its hard for me to move past my Hapa angst.

I figured that since this is a forum for fellow Eurasians; you guys would understand. I 1st visited this forum way back in 2006 actually, but I didn't join, because the conversations didn't seem to be relatable for me. But when I came back in 2015 there seemed to be much more discussions about the types of problems I face. I can make such a great argument about why I should be despairing, depressed and miserable. Then other times I try to tell myself I'm being paranoid. Thats why I'd like to hear back from my fellow Eurasians on these issues.

[jefe]

Sept 19, 2015 23:36:59 GMT -5 eanhapa said:

I believe a large number of WMAF relationships are very problematic if not outright racist and sexist.

Many are, yes.

I admit that this perception has been shaped by the internet and pop culture.

All the more reason to unplug from that.

I feel like East Asian men are the least attractive race of men.

No way.

And there are plenty of studies to back me up on this feeling.

What studies are you cherry-picking from?

Have you seen Daniel Henney? Son of a white Dad, and a Korean adoptee mother and born and raised in Michigan, all 4 of his grandparents are white. Yet he looks Asian enough to play Asian roles, even in Korea, yet still handsome enough to attract white female swooners. Please try to learn more about people like him.