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Post by cheeseprata on Oct 14, 2007 4:24:14 GMT -5
I was having a conversation the other night about Thailand and mentioned that I had a friend there.
Then I stopped and thought. I've been sending messages and the odd post on this friend's social networking pages e.g. facebook etc and even writing to their private email address.
So far I've received zero response....zip...nada.
Can I stil consider them a friend or have they slipped into becoming merely an "associate" i.e. Someone I just happen to know once?
Has anyone else had this happen to them?
I had a similar experience in Singapore where I was complaining to Alexis that I had a very luke warm response from a "friend" about my trip back. Then by pure coincidence we met her on the street. After various promises to meet up, a call the next day and several sms, she STILL played me out and I was left waiting till 1:15am when I had a flight the next day at 8. Never met her and still haven't heard anything from her since....quite dissapointed really since we had known each other for years in Singapore.
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Post by halfbreed on Oct 14, 2007 6:02:23 GMT -5
That's what I don't like about Myspace, etc. I'm too damn lazy to reply! Even PMs on here can take me ages. I think it depends whether or not they do it to everyone, or just you. But I think what happened to you in SG was bad.
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Post by Guy in the white shirt on Oct 14, 2007 10:48:26 GMT -5
Depends on the type of friendship. I have a few friends where we all know that we're hard to get in touch with because our lives are so different, but we still try to touch base at least once a year. We still have a lot of respect for each other, so I guess they're more like family than friends now. The SG friend doesn't sound like a real friend, it doesn't take much to at least just cancel if you can't make it.
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maybe
New Member
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Post by maybe on Oct 14, 2007 11:25:55 GMT -5
Those aren't friends cheeseprata.
Friends, dont matter whether your e-mailing or in the flesh, they're there for you. I know alot of nice people alot of talented people even people that claim to care for me, but similar events (as happened to you) just prove they're not friends. I guess what i'm saying is that they just got to walk their walk.That's how you judge people, by their actions.
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Post by honeyviper on Oct 14, 2007 11:29:03 GMT -5
If they never respond to you and don't make an effort to at least keep in contact every so often, then it's time to cut your losses. I do have friends that live in other countries and sometimes they take a little while to respond (and vice versa for myself), but eventually they do. As for my friends in the city, sometimes it takes us forever to hang out with each other because we all have such different schedules, but we make an effort to do so every few months. It sucks to have someone bail out on you though especially if you're traveling!
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Post by JohnCoolYoungHistory on Oct 15, 2007 1:41:13 GMT -5
I'm telling you from experience, this approach of thinking is not good for you. That type of thinking is an excellent way to drive more people away from you, being all over analytical and all.
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Post by cheeseprata on Oct 15, 2007 4:12:36 GMT -5
^ I fail to see how you can drive someone away who is already essentially already "away" in the first place....could just be me though...I've always been a lover of common sense  |
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Post by helles on Oct 15, 2007 4:33:49 GMT -5
There's a difference between people you are friends with and people you just know.
I find it hard to believe that ppl with hundred's of friends on facebook are actually friends with every one of them, how can you maintain hundred's of friendship?? I'm probably only good friends and in regular contact with 10 or so of my facebook friends. The rest are just people I 'know' and have met along the way and would occaisionally exchange with and/or say 'HI' to if I bumped into them.
I know some ppl who do just expect to send an email to someone / a 'friend' they met somewhere and went 'oh, if you are ever in X, you can stay with me/lets have a drink' and actually do expect to do that and impose on that polite but empty gesture.
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Post by Ave` on Oct 15, 2007 5:40:47 GMT -5
I hate writing emails and replying PM(I do love getting em x). So im really sorry if you think i didnt reply you but you can always think me as a friend. Actually when i meet them I always become rather sheepish and wonder if theyre gonna ask me why I didnt reply heh. Usually, I just pick out where we left. Theres no such thing as not becoming friends anymore.
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Post by cheeseprata on Oct 15, 2007 14:07:17 GMT -5
Hey guys, just wanna make things a bit clearer, I'm actually more interested in discussing at what point do you consider a friend not a friend based on lack of contact and backed it up with examples. It came up because I've been emailing one or two friends sporadically for years and still never get any replies. Think I may have to focus other places. Funnily enough I got a call from a friend the other day who only calls me when they need accomidation in Sydney. Thanks for the posts though |
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Post by thekrez on Oct 15, 2007 14:23:09 GMT -5
Hey guys, just wanna make things a bit clearer, I'm actually more interested in discussing at what point do you consider a friend not a friend based on lack of contact and backed it up with examples. It came up because I've been emailing one or two friends sporadically for years and still never get any replies. Think I may have to focus other places. Funnily enough I got a call from a friend the other day who only calls me when they need accomidation in Sydney. Thanks for the posts though Mate, friends make time for you. If they dont make time they dont consider you important enough to be a friend. Case in point a friend in Aus came by London recently, my phone is on my FB profile, or he could have emailed me for it, in any case he asked if he could stay and I said I would be in Amsterdam (which I was) but that Id catch up when I came back. Needless to say I came back, never got a phone call, got an email from another friend a day later saying "so and so is trying to get in touch with you". Well obviously he didnt try very hard. My point is a few years ago I would have made an effort, but nowadays if they arent prepared to make an effort for me I wont for them. Maybe it means I have less friends, but the ones I do have I know I can count on. |
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Post by avax on Oct 15, 2007 15:12:11 GMT -5
Hey guys, just wanna make things a bit clearer, I'm actually more interested in discussing at what point do you consider a friend not a friend based on lack of contact and backed it up with examples. It came up because I've been emailing one or two friends sporadically for years and still never get any replies. Think I may have to focus other places. Funnily enough I got a call from a friend the other day who only calls me when they need accomidation in Sydney. Thanks for the posts though Oh I have lots of examples. Out of curiosity are these persons you only interact with on the net? Facebook or whatever things they have now. Hi5 Low5... You yourself have said that your communication with said friends were sporadic. Do you ever think that perhaps they think you're a little slow sometimes too? Personally the times where I really thought about missing the company of others is when a) I was involved with them at some point, and b) I'm not busy enough with life as it is. The really good friends will call you up when you don't even seem to be acting yourself. Haha.. to the point where someone once dragged me to a strip club. Ew? But as long as he didn't perform? Anyway, another story for another time. I have had friendships put on hold for a year or longer, because of jobs or being abroad, or marriage or kids, and things don't pick up until you're both at a different stage in life. But when it's back on track, nothing's really changed at all except the periphery stuff. We're still the same people, still joke and laugh about the same things. It's a strange, warm feeling. The beauty of old friends. I just met one this May for the first time in 15 years. We have been corresponding frequently in the meantime. But if you're not feelin it, then you're not. Go play. And your prataness doesn't deserve such lowlifes. Let the plebians mingle among themselves. And if they want a place to crash, tell them it's cozier in the park and hand them a switchblade just incase. Because you are such a good friend. |
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Post by hapalicious on Oct 15, 2007 15:53:38 GMT -5
mmmh... looking up Tarquin for my history midterm tomorrow but i really feel like replying to this...
Cheeseprata...it really depends on the person.
i m one of those person who doesn t reply... but the thing is....i CONSTANTLY think of the people i need to reply to !
i actually noticed this pattern....where i don t ever reply to people RIGHT AWAY, so that i can think about them ? sometimes the more i wait and the more paralysing it becomes to reply, and i end up waiting AGES before i do reply, but in the first place, the reason i don t has nothing to do with me forgetting about them or what not.
it s like a cyclical pattern with me... and the funny thing is ....the more i wait the more i think of these people i need to contact and the less likely i m about to forget them in my thoughts/prayers...
sounds like a lame excuse but it s not.... i noticed that when i had the opportunity and urge to write to my aunt a few days after i left her place, but restrained myself and thought i d wait a bit....i m not sure why i decided to wait but i did...maybe because i also think that replying the day after you receive something takes away all the excitement in the waiting...or that when you reply RIGHT away, it makes it seem like you did it as fast as you could to get rid of the burden....for whatever reason i didn t write her when i wanted to.... turns out... i still haven t ...
i won t deny that a lot of it is procrastination, but in a lot of cases, in the first place...it s not....sometimes it s even because i have so much to say....i don t know where to start and how to put it and present it....in the end....i wait so much it becomes paralysing and never seem to reply...
example :
i have this friend, R----ko, she s an amazing friend, she made france feel so much more hospitable when i moved to france ! i actually think i was the one "welcoming" her to our new school (i was new too) since she was taking french classes (she s japanese), and i needed remedial french classes as well (singrrrrish?non?je ne comprends paaaaaaaas) ...anyways...she left for japan in high school with another friend of ours ...Shino (wonder what happened to my dear Shino...) and i was left behind in france...we e mailed... but then sort of lost contact... i ALWAYS thought of her and how much better she made my first years in france seem... recently, she contacted me... she was coming to france and wanted to see me ! (i just moved to the US ...ARGH !!!! )she wasn t sure where to stay in the long run and also asked if i kneew where she d be able to stay....so far....sounds just like some of these "friends" who just need a place to stay....
i made calls, contacted my sister, my japanese friends in Paris, and despite being away, tried to help her....in the end she didn t need my help but i know i did everything i could to help her and had found her a place to stay...she still thanked me and i know that she s really thankful...it s hard to explain, but for some people, i know if they re genuine... she s not a FB whore, or myspace addict with 3866 friends...i know i can count on her and even if we haven t spoken in the flesh for a few years now, i know i can still trust her.... makes sense ?
it DOES really depend on the person...
the person who owns the worshop i went to paint on saturdays in paris...is one of those people who don t reply either... we actually joked about it the last time i saw her and said we d communicate via telepathy...i deeply miss her and yet, only wrote her once since i got here, and she...once too...yet i know she thinks about me....she s one of the only person i m 100% does despite not hearing from her. and i think she might even think about me more than some people who pm/facebook/hi5/blahblah me on a daily basis... because i KNOW that the day i ll have a problem, she ll be here for me, and will do everything in her power to help....while some "acquaintances" on hi5 and other.... i think i might hear crickets the day i ll cry for help...
it all really depends... i know for some people it s hard to tell...
like maybe said...they need to walk the walk.... but "walking the walk" doesn t necessarily mean they ll reply to a friendly "hey pal" you send them...or even a long e mail...maybe they re like me and my friend ? you can only tell they ll walk the walk when they ll be there, disregarding the long silence and ready to help you when you ll really need them.... those writing on your myspace wall everyday may be as good a friend as the latter are...maybe even better, but it doesn t mean they ll necessarily be there for you when you ll really need them...
anyways.... i don t know your friends so i can t judge.... but i think in a lot of cases, from what you ve described...those aren t real friends... i just wanted to say some people who don t reply aren t necessarily shallow and maybe....they think of you a LOT more than you think ! despite not replying and making apparent bad friends... i know that despite being one of those people i m actually a better friend than i let on and would literally be on the front line to protect some of those friends i haven t heard from/talked to in ages...
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Post by hapalicious on Oct 15, 2007 16:02:40 GMT -5
i also wanted to say sorry for the bad grammar/the bad wording/the typos (missed out a few words here and there...hope it still makes sense....) that makes me sound utterly retarded... blame it on the midterms !  back to history now. |
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Post by JohnCoolYoungHistory on Oct 15, 2007 23:14:21 GMT -5
Whoa at Hapa's short novel. Couldn't make myself read that all :-P ^ I fail to see how you can drive someone away who is already essentially already "away" in the first place....could just be me though...I've always been a lover of common sense Common sense? You don't think it's possible to further drive someone away who is already drifting away? www.dictionary.com, look up the word exacerbate. Essentially, author is making his/her situation worse by not taking a chill pill - I'm nearly certain his worried-ness and overanalyzing is manifested in his/her body language and vibes he gives off in real life. |
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