Dealing with the death of a loved one

[xandra]

Well, it's been a week since someone very dear to me passed away. I keep thinking about all the things that he will miss out on (ie. his daughters growing up, getting married, having kids, etc) and how much we are going to miss his presence. But still, even after going to his funeral it doesn't feel completely real. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'll never see him again and he's gone forever.

How have you dealt with the death of a loved one? What helped? What didn't?

[dapper]

Wish I could help more, but I haven't experienced a loss of a true loved one yet. Extended family members who had lived someplace else forever, friends of friends, and pets have been the extent of my losses. Save for my best friend's dad, who committed suicide. When that happened it was a shock, but really just b/c you wouldn't have ever guessed him as one to do that, not b/c I knew him well myself. I went to the funeral and saw him open casket and all, and that felt very bizarre. It's the only time I've done the viewing, and I don't think I will again. Especially for those I'm close to. Y'know...I know people say it's a closure thing, but to me, I'd rather not have my last memory of them be lifeless in a coffin. I didn't understand that until after that viewing, where my friend did not view his own dad, which made me think this must be why. But who knows, I might feel that you have to just to say goodbye. Anyway, he was my roommate at the time, in college, at UM, and it was awful b/c his girlfriend had just broken up with him the prior month to his dad's suicide. So I felt obligated to really just normalize things. Being two guys, I don't think it's expected or much desired to have a bunch of efforts at discussion or healing to help. Maybe I was wrong, but I think it was more of a role of the best friend to maintain normalcy beyond saying, I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything.

So xandra, I don't think I can be of much help given my lack of experience you're going through. That is, other than saying plainly that I don't think anyone's death means they're gone forever.

[avax]

I watched a lot of people around me grieving and in a weird way I grieved through them. There was loss but it was not a massive loss in the sense that it was not a life cut short. They were adult lives well-lived and the memories that came with that. I said this earlier.. I'm very sorry about this, Xandra. What helped for me was helping others deal with the death. In a selfish way, it made me forget because I saw what other people needed and felt what they felt and listened to what they thought. I didn't exist for awhile.

[Freecia]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Xandra....

What have helped me when my aunt passed away, was that I kept one of her personal items. I kept her purse. I wrapped it in a plastic bag so the smell doesn't go away. I'd sometimes take it out, smell her scent, look at it, cry at it. Then I put it back in the plastic bag and after that I try not to think about her until the next time I miss her very much again. As time goes on, it took longer for me to take out that purse in the plastic bag and then I don't cry looking at her purse anymore. Time heals all pain, so now the only thing I have left of her is her purse, and the happier memories I have of her.

Also, I'd like to believe that our living world is in fact, a purgatory, or a place where our spirits stops in temporarily. When a person's life ended, I'd like to believe that his/her time in this world has finished, and that he/she is moving onto something better. A next objective in the spirutal life, so to speak is waiting to be done. I think if I see it this way, it eases the pain to see someone dying....

[alex411]

First of all, im so sorry to hear about your loss...

A few years ago my best friend had passed away and even to this day I think about him regularly. Dealing with my loss was definitely one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I remember when I received the news, it was like I didn;t know how to react. It never fully sunk in for a couple days, in which I started feeling down in the dumps for quite a while. I felt the exact same way, feeling so many different emotions and facing the brutal realization that I will never see him again. What really helped me, was getting together with the whole group of friends and family, and talking about it. Pretty much just discussing the old times and being able to cry and grieve with other people who were going through something similar. What also helped me through it was just getting out some old momentos of my friend including music we both liked, pictures etc. and just being alone, able to think hard about the whole ordeal. I still visit my old friend's parents whenever I can. Now that time has run its course, it is a lot easier to focus on the amazing times my friend and I had shared, and cherishing the times we once had.

[sass in a glass]

I'm sorry about your loss Xandra.

This especially is a touchy subject for me. I lost my grandmother 3 years ago on 10th of February and can literally feel tears form behind my eyes when I talk about her. I for one, was still in denial about her passing away. I couldn't bring myself to confront her death and blamed myself for it all. I went through this stage where I felt like I had no one else left because my grandma loved me oh so dearly and we had this bond that no other could replace and I felt like I lost my best friend. I tried to cope with my feelings but it hurt, BAD. I was always tryin to avoid people when they wanted to talk about her death openly. The only thing I feel I did wrong in dealing with it is, keeping it locked away and my refusal to confide in family members. It was to the point where I gave way, on both knees and cried my eyes out because the pain was tooo hard to deal with.

Like Freecia I kept her clothes that she sewed together by hand, her accessories, everything that was sentimental for me. I'd look at it and think about her and it helped ease my pain and sorrow. I accepted it and I remember having a discussion with my cousins about who she was as a person. I remembered all those times staying up late at night playing poker or mah jong or watching chinese wu xia series with her, her humbleness, her efforts to help those less fortunate, etc. Just overall reminisce about her silliness and what not. I know she's no longer with us but I'll always have those fond memories. I know she wouldn't want me to grieve and would prefer to have me live my life as she once did. Spiritually, I like to think she's up there in heaven smiling down at us.... with no teeth.

[Ajeno]

My condolences Xandra.

There really no good way for me to deal with it other than to just be alone and reflect.I never really liked people telling me its going to be ok and to think about the good times but i know that helps alot of other people through.

alex411 said:

First of all, im so sorry to hear about your loss...

A few years ago my best friend had passed away and even to this day I think about him regularly. Dealing with my loss was definitely one of the hardest things I had to deal with. I remember when I received the news, it was like I didn;t know how to react. It never fully sunk in for a couple days, in which I started feeling down in the dumps for quite a while. I felt the exact same way, feeling so many different emotions and facing the brutal realization that I will never see him again. What really helped me, was getting together with the whole group of friends and family, and talking about it. Pretty much just discussing the old times and being able to cry and grieve with other people who were going through something similar. What also helped me through it was just getting out some old momentos of my friend including music we both liked, pictures etc. and just being alone, able to think hard about the whole ordeal. I still visit my old friend's parents whenever I can. Now that time has run its course, it is a lot easier to focus on the amazing times my friend and I had shared, and cherishing the times we once had.

I lost one of my best dudes years ago so i know how you feel.I think about him alot too.

[lo1337a]

Added condolences Xandra.

I'm sorry if I'm not much help, since my tendency is to bottle things up. But I remember when my grandmother passed a few years ago and the entire family gathered for her funeral. It was probably the best thing that could have happened because having everyone there (a rare thing) was comforting in that we could all share our memories of her and find closure together. I think it's better to grieve with people than without, though you should probably take private time if you need it. Just be open and honest.

[catgirl]

lex said:

Well, it's been a week since someone very dear to me passed away. I keep thinking about all the things that he will miss out on (ie. his daughters growing up, getting married, having kids, etc) and how much we are going to miss his presence. But still, even after going to his funeral it doesn't feel completely real. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'll never see him again and he's gone forever.

How have you dealt with the death of a loved one? What helped? What didn't?

Im sorry about that. Its always sad when these things happen.

I had a similar experience last year. My childhood friends dad died, and their family was very close to our family. It felt very strange...A bit depressing. Made me realise that life is not forever, and that people are vulnerable. I saw my mother go through the death of my stepdad a couple of years ago, and she was depressed for about 2 years or so.

I think you should grieve in your own way, and let time go by. Usually time helps alot. But in the mean time you should try to get support from friends, and maybe talk about it with close friends. Try not to be alone.

[xandra]

Thanks everyone for your sweet and thoughtful responses, and for sharing your own experiences. I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses, as well. I think death is one of those things we can never really get used to in life, no matter how natural it is.

It was my best friend's father who passed away. I'm very close to my friend's family and her father was like a second father to me, and he told my friend that he considered me like a daughter before he passed away. He's the polar opposite of my dad, very friendly and engaging and he always wanted to know what you thought and why. He had a great sense of humour (right until the end) and he was always singing or cracking jokes. Just an all-round amazing and warm person.

Right after it happened I spent a lot of time with my friend's family which helped a lot, since we could all grieve together and share stories. I've actually felt a bit at a loss this past week because my friend's bf got a week off and flew in to stay with her so I haven't seen her that much. Like Celtriya it helps me deal with it if I can help others. That way I can focus on supporting them and not my own grief. It makes me feel less helpless about the whole situation.

I never really believed in an afterlife, but this makes me hope it exists.

[avax]

He sounds like a wonderful person. I can think of two people, one in particular especially, who is similar in my life, and I cannot tell you how much having a person like him means. It's amazing how profoundly some people impact us, and it's probably the best gifts anyone could give (friendship, patience, loyalty and understanding). You're blessed to have known him. Hang in there.

[Ajeno]

lex said:

I never really believed in an afterlife, but this makes me hope it exists.

I feel you on that one.I stopped beliving in an afterlife a while ago and that made life all the more fragile to me and not to mention scary.

[Micha]

It's odd how people have such intense feelings of guilt when they haven't done anything wrong, like when my Grandad passed away a few years ago in Malaysia. My entire family ie. 40+ people were all cramped into one small room surrounding his bed and it was stiflingly hot, so my cousins and I went to a nearby house to sit under the aircon. My entire family had conducted a two-night vigil already and I was knackered but in that 10 minute period we went out, he passed away and when we came back, all our respective parents gave us the biggest hidings as if our departure had been disrespectful in the eyes of God and caused his passing (they're very strict Buddhists)

[cheeseprata]

Hey Xandra,

Hope you're feeling a little better than before and tomorrow you'll feel a little better than today.

My friend's mum also passed away about a year and a half ago.
She also was like a second mum to me. She even helped me out when I had problems and was instrumental in me getting back on my feet.

When it happened I was quite upset because I felt it was really unfair. She had worked so hard to raise her sons, been through so much and still had time for all the screwed up teenagers that came her way. I was holding on, untill me and another friend went to leave the wake and then it just hit both of us and her son all at once. There we were, three grown men holding each other and bawling our eyes out like babies.

After a while the feeling passed and was replaced by a sense of going forward and making something of my life. Now when I think of her, I don't actually feel sad, I feel more happy that she was there to be part of my life.

My best friend also passed away due to an accident and I think about him as well. It just makes me treasure the opportunities I have today.

Anyway...just wanted to share that with you.

[cjsdad]

I lost my father about 10 years ago/
A month before graduation and starting residency.
As you can imagine, it was a very, very difficult time.

Keeping busy helped, which wasn't a problem given what was going on in my life.
Also, something to remember from the person's life is key.

Now, my brother and I go on a fishing trip together every Father's day, as he taught us a love for outdoor activities.
We always seem to catch quite a few on our trips, and we always chalk it up to Dad directing us to the best spots on the lake.

Keeping busy, some kind of personal memorial activity, and time heal these wounds.
Even when you lose someone as important as a parent.

It is very, very difficult, so you have my condolences.