Maternal/Paternal Grandparents

[swordcane]

I apologize in advance for the sensitive topic.

I won't go into too much detail, but my maternal grandfather is getting less and less able to take care of himself, and my grandmother just can't do everything. I try to help out as much as I can, but it really feels like that side of the family's consensus is "we need to get a live in nurse". It just makes me sad, we're doing as much as we can, but the rest of the family on that side just seems to see it as so normal to do this . He's not sick where he actually needs one, they just seem to think that if he decides not to shave for a few days he's "not listening" etc.

It's just all so different from my paternal grandmother. She lived farther away, and yet my dad and I visited and went groceries shopping for her every week. When she got sick, we offered for her to move in, but she said she wanted to stay independent, so that's the only reason we got her a nurse. Towards the end of her time, she lived between hospital and hospice, and yet my dad was always doing as much as he could for her, treating her always like his mother, not just like a helpless child or burden, and we always visited.

What have your experiences been with your maternal vs paternal grandparents? Do you notice a difference in treatment? I'm just curious what everyone's experiences are.

[avax]

Seeing someone you love sick is not easy. I'm sorry you have to go through it even though lots, if not most, have. There is not much difference between both sides for me. We've always taken care of the elderly in one of the siblings' homes unless there was a pointed decision not to. A couple of close relatives, towards the end, needed extra care that we couldn't give (cancer) so they couldn't be with us.

I'm not sure if it helps.. but sometimes having a nurse or someone to clean and deal with the not so pretty things is something the sick person wishes for themselves. It's humiliating and embarassing sometimes, sometimes too much for them to want their loved ones to see. I know it sounds silly but I used to see this a lot when working at a 'seniors care center' which was really a hospice with a hospital feel. I also think we hold onto the idea that those we love do continue to "listen" but the fact is, as time goes on, sometimes they don't. The picture perfect scenario is that there's always someone there, especially someone who knows them, but when we grow old and start to lose our faculties there's the misconception that the person is not whole anymore and not really human.

Your family is lucky that they can afford a nurse.. hopefully it is a good one. I don't think what I said helped much but I think the naive side of me clings to some idea that all of it must make sense in the big picture.. I'm sure he appreciates the time you spend with him.