Getting Parents to Open Up

[swordcane]

Has anyone ever had or known anyone who had parents who were uncomfotable discussing their race?

When I was growing up I thought my dad and grandmother were Lithuanian (ethnically speaking, my dad was born here) and I thought my grandmother was born in Lithuania. My grandfather on that side had died before I was born, and much of my paternal size of the family is much older and has either passed on or just lives far away. I never really asked abut our family. I assumed Lithunian people looked like my dad, uncle, and grandmother until, more than once, I was asked if they were Tatar.

That's what got the discussion going. Apparently my dad had always presented himself to others as white because he looked it enough that he could get by without facing discrimination. It was "better", he said, to just present himself as Lithuanian (where my grandparents had moved here from... but they had moved to Lithuania from east Russia, so they weren't actually L. at all).

This has always made me so sad. I want my dad to be more comfortable and open up about our heritage. He gets uncomfortable and changes the subject when I start asking too many questions. I try to tell him that it's ok, things are different now. They're not all better, but we've made improvements. I get the feeling that he did have trouble growing up. But I want him to open up! I want to know about where the values and traditions on that side of our family come from, and I want to know more about our family in general.

Has anyone else gone through this and maybe have some advice?

[ladystacey]

My grandfather, (dad's father) was half Persian my great granny was from Prussia. To this day everybody ignores that fact and act like she wasn't. I don't understand why makes no sense to me. They know nothing about her family or anything about her culture, nothing. I mean she had a very strong accent and a wonderful woman so I don't get it. She came from a good family and I know this because someone on her side has been trying for years to get into contact with her kids and somehow found me and I was the only one that communicated back to them.
When I probe or talk about what I know to my dad or uncles, aunts I get blank looks and then they change the subject, what a shame

[avax]

swordcane said:

This has always made me so sad. I want my dad to be more comfortable and open up about our heritage. He gets uncomfortable and changes the subject when I start asking too many questions. I try to tell him that it's ok, things are different now. They're not all better, but we've made improvements. I get the feeling that he did have trouble growing up. But I want him to open up! I want to know about where the values and traditions on that side of our family come from, and I want to know more about our family in general.

Has anyone else gone through this and maybe have some advice?

I'm not sure.. you have a dad. That's more than some people can account for.

Sometimes it's better letting things be. I was very curious about my roots too in the past but sometimes pushing for answers can mean the wrong answers because people don't know how to answer. They may not even know the right answer. I grew up thinking I was something when I'm continuously finding that I'm actually not.

There's also a craze and frenzy to dig for old stories when maybe we should also be treating our elders or older family members like people, not just goldmines of our personal histories. If they decide to identify as Lithuanian, who is anyone to refute that? In your heart of hearts, you may be saying "YOU LIAR !". But at the same time, it's their prerogative - as is their silence. He gave you an answer but you're not accepting it. He has "opened up" but not in the specific way that you wanted to hear.

This is a bit similar when I hear Americans identifying as Americans, nothing else. When we all know America didn't just sprout Chinese or Vietnamese or Irish straight from the soil. Those personal histories are exactly that - personal. He may also feel you're not old enough to handle what he has to say, or it's not the right time. I hate to say it but it may never be either. I hope you find peace somehow. I still don't know exactly what I am.

[honeyviper]

I think it's really difficult especially if you're touching upon the more sensitive parts of your parents' (and other family members) personal histories. It's no different than the raw moments that exist in my own life.

Sometimes, though, with time they can open up in terms of answering the questions you seek. Although, this isn't always the case. However, in some cases, even a parent may not know all the answers to the questions you're seeking. Sometimes it can be embarrassing or even painful to tell someone that you don't know the answers to questions of heritage. I don't have a lot of elderly family members to ask questions of and receive answers from. There are some things my parents won't ever be able to tell me and it's something I've learned to accept.

[swordcane]

I really see what you guys are saying. Maybe I should just let him tell me whatever he feels he'd like to and not pry too much. I guess it's a bit like how there are things I don't want to talk about with them, even though they're my parents; there are things they don't want to talk about with me, even though I'm their daughter. It's like, I'm very curious, and I really want to know, but I also don't want to hurt him or make him want to never tell me.

Btw, thanks for the great answers.

(Edited because I orig. typed "even though they're my daughter" lol)

[xandra]

I don't know a whole lot about my dad's life in Vietnam, and most of what I do know was told to me by my mom. My dad also doesn't like to discuss race, he just says he's Canadian now, even though I've witnessed moments where he was discriminated against. But my dad won't talk about anything he doesn't want to discuss, he would rather lecture me about anything and everything. gaaaah!

[swordcane]

lex said:

he would rather lecture me about anything and everything. gaaaah!

:lol: Our dads would get along!

[Ave`]

I never experianced this. Somehow being half, your grandparents tend to try their best to turn you in a pure blood. Makes sure you speak the language, and explain to painful detail all the traditions.
My grandma still have me for breakfast and start playing some song that young rural punjabi women sings while they make bread around the fire. Then she start telling her stories, makes me remember names of members of the family I never met and most of the stories are interesting. Not to mention, the food is great too mmmm.

[naia]

My parents can never open up to me and neither can i to them.This is the hardest attempt for us both.I would if they would let me.Actually my dad is alright.I think i can tell him anything,but not my mum.Even if she would open its always in an irrational and un-calmly manner.She opens up sarcastically that always left us hurting.We could never sit and talk about how our day was or anything at all.Maybe we could never be best friends or unconditionally close,but i just wish she could just let me be her daughter and she,my mother.Because that's what i thought we should be when she made me her own

[cinnamoroll]

My dad doesn't open up about his past (I only found out he was married to 2 other women before my Mom when I was 14!!!), or his parents (both passed away when he was 18). Sometimes he'll come out with information (like his mother's death) that makes everything awkward because I didn't know... it's horrible. Hopefully one day we can talk about it - there's huge gaps.

[cinnamoroll]

^ That's very moving about your Dad... must have been SO strange for him to be back there after so many years. I kind of don't know what to say but I'm glad that he is, as you said, 'more at peace'.

[fumanchu]

SecretAsianMans story points out something important.
Often when we have no idea about our parents' pasts' it's easy to assume that it's something that is easy for them to talk about, because it's in the past, and they are just choosing not to talk about it. But in reality, often they haven't come to terms with the things they have been through, and instead they've just put them in a closet and locked the door.

My father was an orphan and had never really said much about his childhood. A few years back he went to university to get the degree he always wanted. He was struggling with the workload so he went to the counselor to talk about it. The moment he walked into the counsellors office he broke down about his childhood. He thought he had dealt with his issues, but even 50 years later there were unresolved things raw enough to make a 60 year old ex-serviceman karate blackbelt cry like a little boy.
It's not really a story anything to do with race, but you just never know what can of worms you are opening when you ask about someone's past.

My suggestion is, if you want to hear about your parents past, just let them know that you really would like them to tell you stuff. Also tell them that you know they might not want to talk about it and that's fine, you don't want to pry. But if they ever feel like telling you, you are all ears. Leave it at that. Walk away. Let them come and talk to you in their own good time if they choose to.

[xandra]

^ You bring up a really good point. I wasn't very clear in my first post, but I know that growing up in Vietnam at the time that my father did was rather traumatic for him, which I'm sure has something to do with his reluctance to discuss much of his childhood. But it's hard to feel really close to him when his past is mostly a mystery for me. Then again, he's not very open about his life now, either.

[TotalWar]

It took forever before my Chinese relatives revealed to me that one of our ancestors a few generations back was Anglo-Indian. I always knew they didn't look completely Chinese. Yeah, I'm quite a mutt.