Time-Outs

[avax]

I always thought it was healthy to take periods away from each other (when married also) but I think some don't like it? Just curious.

[dannyd]

I suppose it's a difficult thing to suggest. I mean it is hard not to take, with the suggestion of a time-out, the insinuation that your SO is ...well... sick of you. To want purposely take time away from someone that in theory you are going to deal with for the next 20-30-40 years does not suggest alot of confidence about that.

In theory I could see how time apart could perhaps work to renew and strengthen a bond but I can also see how it doesn't seem like something you'd want to do with someone you are actually in love with, but rather someone who you have rationalised you want to be with and will thus do whatever you can to make it tolerable, or simply, make it work.

I suppose I feel that if only one partner feels they need time away and the other doesn't, they are going to feel hurt. If both partners feel they want time apart.... then why not agree to look for something that you actually want? Not having been in the situation before where I've wanted time apart, with the intention of coming back, I can't envisage it being a positive thing. I've seen plenty of 'time apart' situations become permanent.

But as I said, I'm a bit the idealist. Don't worry, it's slowly being worn away

[Ave`]

Interesting topic.
emmm..."time-outs" does help to make ppl realise how much they love each other. Like working out-station or travel with girlfriend w/o the bf. When you stay together for a long time, you tend to take each other for granted. so, it does helps IF the relationship is strong. However a lot of things CAN go wrong. (aka you slept with someone on your travels or hes busy doing your gf back home)

Usually, at the start of any relationship both would want a considerable time-outs but over time it gets lesser and lesser and you realise you can go for weeks w/o time-outs. Everything seems so much fun with your partner innit. But if you find that you need more and more time-outs well its a bad sign.

[jenming]

I think that taking time-outs before you *Need* them is a good idea. When things are going pretty well, go off and do something with/by/for yourself.

When there's a lot of tension and someone is in serious need of a break, it's much harder to communicate that the break is for the benefit of the relationship, not just to get away permanently. When things are going well, then the reasons one person wanting a break will be much easier to believe and trust in.

[tbw]

jenming said:

I think that taking time-outs before you *Need* them is a good idea. When things are going pretty well, go off and do something with/by/for yourself.

That's an awesome point. Breaks from your partner are good, but the timing of breaks has to be good, otherwise breaks can have more of a negative effect on the relationship.

I have heard of couples, rather than taking a break from each other, just get away from everybody [together] on a regular basis. This could be because its a break in their daily routines that allows them to drop the stresses outside of their relationship.

[ladystacey]

(Pukes in bucket for admitting this)
Ok, I'm lame and actually can't stand to be away from my hubby and vice versa, we actually get really sad and miss each other way to much after just 2 days apart. We enjoy each others company a lot but we know each others boundaries very well and read one another very well and always give space when needed. It's like a 6th sense now, we don't even think about it or take it personal.
Usually in my pass relationships I always felt like I needed space when the relationship was coming to a end but I wouldn't admit to it. I just took as much space as I could till it was months that I have seen or spoken to them and then it became apparent things were over

[avax]

Oh. I seem to like time-outs the more stable the relationship.
But then I really like them when it's not stable too though the other person will think you're leaving.
And then there are time-outs that happen anytime anyway due to other circumstances - a sick parent or sibling and they have to go to take care of them, or travel.

I personally tend to think there's something fundamentally wrong if I cannot happily function without them for days or weeks at a time. I guess from the responses this is not normal?

What makes it better for me is knowing that either of us could leave and be fully functional without depression or sadness, if we thought the relationship wasn't working. This doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to really leave and call it splits but the thought of physical and temporary emotional separation has already been trained into us consistently from the start. It is better in this sense because even though we are pretty ok with separation, we make the conscious choice not to... for ..I don't know, reasons like love or like it really works and the company's great or something.

I think time-outs have become second nature for me over the years - hard to put into practice but every time I don't (in a relationship) it ends up being pretty unhealthy (to me). I also like the extra time apart and won't make an effort to communicate. I get a bit bummed out/maxed out/stressed out when partners don't get this.

[cjsdad]

Depends.

A TO in a dating relationship sounds to me like the old "I just need to take a break....read, it's over and I'm looking for somebody else but I don't want to hurt your feelings until I have the next SO lined up"

A TO in a marriage might just mean, "Honey, I'd like 2 hours to watch the ball game or go to the mall, and you are annoying me right now."
That one I think is fine.
The days to weeks long time out sounds more like "I'm SICK of you and I'll get sick of you AGAIN once I get back".

I've never needed a time out from my wife.
She's my best friend.
I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend my time with, other than my daughter.

[DivaDancerLara]

Well they are definitely needed if it gets toxic or if one partner is hurting the other.

[cjsdad]

^ In my opinion, that relationship needs to END, not be simply suspended in TO.

[DivaDancerLara]

^ yes so true

[helles]

I dunno about Time Outs - its hard to even suggest it (kinda implies taht its on the road to splitting up to me), or agree on time frame etc..

But i think its important to have 'me-time' or 'other ppl time' (as in spending time with friends not other dateable ppl) to keep the relationship healthy.

[avax]

kyuree said:

no one answered my question...


So Cel if you like Time-Outs... what are they like?
Not seeing each other? Not contacting each other, either?
Is that all or do the partners regain their freedom again - are they allowed to date or have sex w/ someone else?
When does a time out end? After a set time span? When you feel like it? When he does?
Would you feel different about him finding someone else during a time-out, opposed to during the non-time out relationship?

Time-out for me is just time spent away and not communicating. Zero contact. The nature of the relationship doesn't change. Yeah, the length of time is discussed. Like a week away and see ya Sunday night sort of thing.

Is it different for others?

The open relationship, involvement of third parties or mutation in the nature of the relationship is pretty radical and I doubt most monogamous couples to start out with will patiently accept it. From past experience, there's a lot of difficulty with the idea of no contact alone.

[Aiko]

Even lovers need a holiday far away from each other.

[avax]

I'm not sure what you mean with what situation..

I honestly don't know. It just feels good. I wrote something on the previous page -

avax said:

Oh. I seem to like time-outs the more stable the relationship.
But then I really like them when it's not stable too though the other person will think you're leaving.
And then there are time-outs that happen anytime anyway due to other circumstances - a sick parent or sibling and they have to go to take care of them, or travel.

I personally tend to think there's something fundamentally wrong if I cannot happily function without them for days or weeks at a time. I guess from the responses this is not normal?

What makes it better for me is knowing that either of us could leave and be fully functional without depression or sadness, if we thought the relationship wasn't working. This doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to really leave and call it splits but the thought of physical and temporary emotional separation has already been trained into us consistently from the start. It is better in this sense because even though we are pretty ok with separation, we make the conscious choice not to... for ..I don't know, reasons like love or like it really works and the company's great or something.

I think time-outs have become second nature for me over the years - hard to put into practice but every time I don't (in a relationship) it ends up being pretty unhealthy (to me). I also like the extra time apart and won't make an effort to communicate. I get a bit bummed out/maxed out/stressed out when partners don't get this.