Parents not grasping their cultural differences

[Emily]

For those that have parents issued from different cultural backgrounds, do you sometimes feel frustrated because you understand each of your parents cultural quirks but they sometimes have a hard time grasping the subtle differences?

For example, for the last two weeks of our summer Europe trip, my boyfriend (Vietnamese) and I were joined by my family (Filipino mother, French father and my sister). Before we left, it was decided that my boyfriend and I would pay for our own hotel rooms and admission fees to sights, but that food and other costs would be taken care of by my parents.

Fast forward to this week, where my boyfriend's parents wrote a check for him to give to my parents to cover his food expenses. While both my boyfriend and I knew that my giving the check to my parents was simply a formality and that my parents would decline it, we knew it had to be done and that obviously, his parents expected him to offer it. Well, my father got insulted, saying that we had taken an agreement and that he always stood by his word. I tried calmly explaining to him that it was just an Asian way, but he would have nothing of it. Even telling him that my mother would have insisted on doing the same thing if the roles had been reversed and my boyfriend's parents had paid for me could not get him off his high horses. *sigh* I thought he had become more perspicacious when it came to Filipino/Asian mentality.

Any similar experiences?

[avax]

Nice to see you posting again, Emily.
I think it's part of the "act" - the offer and the affront. Is your dad still upset?

Another I can think of is paying of meals at reunions. There's always some fight over who pays, someone acting insulted, then acquiescing.

When giving gifts, one must always measure up or give equal to or greater than the value of any gift received. The other person acts like they don't deserve it, will feel outdone. Even though it's natural to give gifts equal to or greater. There's a whole economy and rhetoric about gift-giving in every culture.

When it comes to family (external, ie. aunts, uncles, cousins, parents) staying at your immediate family's house. The formal thing to do is to offer a place to stay. But the family member doesn't really need it, it's just a formality. If you force them or push too much, they get insulted that it appears they can't take care of themselves.

These are just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are many more.

[EA Observer]

emily said:

*sigh* I thought he had become more perspicacious when it came to Filipino/Asian mentality.

Uh, first off, I actually had to look up the definition of perspicacious.

per·spi·ca·cious /ˌpɜrspɪˈkeɪʃəs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[pur-spi-key-shuhs] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective 1. having keen mental perception and understanding; discerning: to exhibit perspicacious judgment.
2. Archaic. having keen vision.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Origin: 1610–20; perspicaci(ty) + -ous]

—Related forms
per·spi·ca·cious·ly, adverb
per·spi·ca·cious·ness, noun


—Synonyms 1. perceptive, acute, shrewd, penetrating.
—Antonyms 1. dull, stupid.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

But, yeah..., your dad could benefit from understanding some subtleties and nuances of Asian customs. I know it's quite pretentious, but, as an example, in some Asian cultures a person is expected to decline an offer to repay by another politely - and repeatedly - as a good manner.

[EA Observer]

kyuree said:

eaobserver said:

I know it's quite pretentious, but, as an example, in some Asian cultures a person is expected to decline an offer to repay by another politely - and repeatedly - as a good manner.

haha, yeah, just imagine her dad had accepted the check. Her b/f's parents would have been pretty... f-ed

For all we know, they could've demanded that he dump her! Maybe not, but, still, they'd been p.o.'ed, at least .

[Emily]

Argh, Asian games are so draining. My dad called my boyfriend's mother to indicate that he couldn't accept the money. She obviously insisted and told him that it would be better off that he keeps it because it was my boyfriend's initiative to repay and that sending back the check would insult him. Completely false. Even before checking with my boyfriend, I knew that she had most likely made that up. My dad hung up thinking it would now be best to keep the check.

I had to re-explain everything to him and how it would be best not to keep it. The amount of money is so insignificant but so much rests on how it's handled. All this Asian ''politeness'' is suffocating. Why must money be such an issue?

On a funnier note, this reminds me of a high school English teacher I had. He was a white guy married to a Japanese woman, but very much in tune with all the subtleties of Asian conduct. Well aware of the credit card slapping game when eating out with Asians, he'd claim - in jest - to offering and insisting while making sure that someone else would end up picking up the tab. Mind you, I think he just liked to revel in the idea of the famed Asian "cheapness."

[Ave`]

A couple of years ago.. I decided to go back to my home country with my bf who is a local here. His parents were reluctant abt it only because while heres staying at my country he will be staying at my place and my parents is going to support food at home. While in my country its not a big deal. His mother keep suggesting he shouldnt go. We reached agreement when his parents offer to pay for my plane ticket instead. Well lucky me. I accepted it and they feel better. My mom thank them for it. heh

[viruslabrat]

One of my co-workers was telling me about her Filipino mother answering the phone with a loud, chirpy "Happy ANZAC Day!!". She had to point out that it wasn't THAT kind of holiday. I told this to my mother because I thought it was funny. Her response was "What's wrong with that?" Hmmm... I had to draw on the analogy that it would be like wishing Americans a "happy 9/11".

[straylight]

Wow, I've never seen any of these kind of conflicts.

My parents don't really strike me as anything truly representative of their "cultures". If there are conflicts, it's at an individual level -- conflicts that anyone could have. Not anything to do with cultural "etiquette" and "gift giving rules". My dad was just a plain old Joe, no big cultural ties to begin with, and one of those G.I.'s who lost himself (lost himself in the sense of enjoying himself) in Asia during the Vietnam war. He met my Mom in Thailand, eventually married, and eventually moved back to the states -- where I was born. Then my mom adjusted herself to this country.

There's only one story I've heard that might even apply -- when she first moved here, my dad took her to Seattle where his step-dad (my grandpa) and my grandmother were living. My mom was like a kid in a candy store when she visited the seafood markets -- and my grandpa, being the meat and potatoes guy that he was, made some stupid comment to her like "Eww, you're gonna eat that?!" She was pissed for years supposedly.

But I don't think that has anything to do with culture. He was just being an ignorant jerk.

[PerzanKitCat86205]

(Only if you're interested... No negative comments as in well I feel the same way but I wouldn't say that, which I know you wouldn't say, and if you read this you find out why, now...)

There's no reason for that. I mean, is the question a European and Asian getting along, male-female or female-male, or that the reason they feel the need to stake their culture to begin with is that they had children who try to be the best of everything?? Most people here are pretty timid really. I am pretty polite and normal, I mean.. I was wondering what boat I was in, and I have a 4 1/2 year younger brother who ruins my life. Like, I insist I am more European than my dad and that his idea that he is more white is s*** actually. He can never say he is more European than me because he is my father.. Taken out someone with all my races, if you stood me against a European of another race, I would probably win since I am a perfectionist. More races make you smarter, and more white heritage percentage makes you still white, just not the full bounce. H*c*, I'm afraid to marry anyone for fear of being less white.. I mean, really, Eurasian is something to cherish rather than put down in truth. I am Chinese, and it doesn't matter which Asian you are. It's what you make of it.

'But yea, my parents say they don't have any relationship with me and they don't care. That's not really okay, but they don't do anything about the problems I have growing up. Like, my present inability to go to the kitchen when anyone in the family is up and home. I'm not really going anywhere, but I do have dreams to grow up and get out now. I pictured my life in a European home with parents to love me for who I am. My parents don't like me for who I am. I feel they think I am money because I "work."

They are just having sex.

My mom, even though from ancient Indonesia as a Chinese, still plays the game that she is more white but not as Chinese.. I never do that. I am always more white as everything when it's my turn. Unfortunately, that plays on my dad's supposedly less than 1% indian, unknown tribe still. So, that takes care of his sexy maternal relatives in the end..

The neatest thing about my parents is that I consider them all white rather than failures, as I do to everyone, and that my father is b1950 from the PA/NY and my mom is b@1960 and from out of the US and a place I love so much, capitol of Indonesia in Java..

My brother is basically a machine that says my parents are nothing, I feel. I wonder why he is so weak. I have a lot of problems, see. He sounds like all of you, sensitive and upholding both his races. It's like I'm seeing multiples.

Yea, how could I come to this board if my mom is from Indonesia? Bc they are still Chinese there. Someone on here lives in Australia, just my mom's family for the full 500 years they migrated. My mom takes martial arts, tai chi, kung fu, and goes to a Chinese school in the U.S. She likes Chinese doctors and things, funny my martial arts dad isn't there. Oh well.. He does do martial arts, though, weight loss kickboxing with my brother now. It's a good thing that meets 6 days a week all year.. ? A lot like ballet except I have to work out alone.

[PerzanKitCat86205]

Jun 4, 2008 10:50:12 GMT -5 Flat Top said:

Dear PerzanKitCat,

Your posts are so long and not to be insulting but they are not fluid and hurt the eyes and brain at least IMO. Is there a way you could orangize your thoughts better for easier reading?

Okay, I just meant I guess I don't seem to believe in European men trying to date Asian women just so they can have white kids to abuse.

[PerzanKitCat86205]

Jun 4, 2008 12:07:52 GMT -5 Flat Top said:

Jun 4, 2008 10:57:13 GMT -5 PerzanKitCat86205 said:

Okay, I just meant I guess I don't seem to believe in European men trying to date Asian women just so they can have white kids to abuse.

Okay. That's unfortuante but in my experience I got more abuse from my Asian female parent.

In my situation, it is always possible that only one parent did the complete abuse and the other was the opposite.

[PerzanKitCat86205]

Sorry if it is annoying to see double post, but hopefully EA does "ressurect" as you say.

This is a great topic to have.

I don't know, I feel that it isn't right that my parents would had thought they were any better as a white European or Asian than myself. The thing is, I feel they think they are still their respective culture just bridging as the other, if you know what I'm saying..