On the cobb

[waywardwolf]

Last Halloween, a local kid with a speach impediment knocked on my door wearing a captain's hat adorned with the jolly roger and a plastic cutlass at his belt.
He proudly proclaimed, "Brick or breat!"
I smiled and asked, "What are you this year?"
He answered, "I'm a birate!"
Trying to act surprised, knowing he always loved to talk about his costumes, I continued to question him, "Oh a pirate, that's scary. Where are your buccaneers?"
His face turned sour and he yelled at me, "There on my bucking head!"


Let the corny jokes fly.

[0]

^ Damn, my eyes watered on that one!

[waywardwolf]

St. Peter was sitting at the pearly gates, when the angriest man he'd ever seen came walking up. Looking over the man, he regretted informing him that the gates to heaven were closed for the time being.

The man threw his hands up in disgust and said, "Perfect! Just.... Perfect! Could this day be any worse?!"

St. Peter saw he was extremely stressed and reasoned with him, "Well, I suppose I can make an exception, let's hear your story."

The man told a story of the worst day of his life. He worked hard for the same company for 14 years yet they laid him off to increase profits. When he got home his wife smelled like another man. Well, he just lost it, started throwing everything they owned off his five story appartment balcony. Finally he grabbed their refrigerator and tossed it down as well. In accordance to his bad day, the cord wrapped around his ankle and pulled him down with it.

Well, St. Peter couldn't send him away after his bad day and let him pass thru the gates. Not five minutes passed before the saddest looking man he'd ever seen walked up.

Peter looked over the man and told him, "Well, the gates are closed, but I'm making exceptions tonight, how'd you die?"
This man told Peter a very different story, he was actually having the best day of his life. He had just been accepted into a prestigious school, his best friend and band mate had just made some lucrative contacts in the music industry, and his best girl had agreed to marry him. Yet his day ended in sorrow. As he was taking a walk, he heard a strange yell, looked up, and was instantly smashed by a falling refrigerator.

St. Peter almost laughed at the irony. He then opened the gates and let the man thru, assuring him that heaven was a lovely place to reside. As soon as he turned around, a man was standing there, looking lost.

The good saint questioned the man, "And how did you die, sir?"

However, this man didn't have some epic story to tell. No, he seemed rather confused.
"How'd I die? Well, I'm not too sure to tell you the truth, you see, I was hiding in this refrigerator..."

[penguinopolipitese]

i like this thread

[waywardwolf]

There was a man who was always into the latest high tech gadgetry, the local electronic store owner knew him by heart and always loved to see him walking through the doors. Well, one day he came in and the owner took him to the back, all hush hush like, and produced a small box from a locker.

The owner said, "This isn't like the other gadgets I've sold you, this is actually magical."

The man asked what it was, and the owner told him it was a toothbrush. Well, it wasn't all that impressive, but the owner certainly thought it was. To prove his point, the shopkeep opened the box and held up an apple.

Then he said, "Magic toothbrush this apple."

The toothbrush flew out of the box and started scrubbing the apple. With the command, "Magic toothbrush return," the toothbrush returned to the box. The man bought the toothbrush on the spot.

Opening the box at home, the man tried it, "Magic toothbrush my teeth." The toothbrush went to work, scrubbing his teeth at all different angles, then he tried to turn it off.

"Mah-shik toobbruuch returb..... Mah-shik toobbruch returb!" But it couldn't understand him. Making haste back to the shop for help, the man was pulled over by a police man.

The cop stepped up to his window and looked inside, rolling his eyes when he noticed the man brushing his teeth and demanded, "Can't you stop multitasking for a moment when you're talking with me?"

The man responded, "I can'b helb id sir, it'ch a mah-shik toobrush."

The cop scoffed and said, "Magic toothbrush my ass!"

[waywardwolf]

An English man moved to America and decided to give farming life a shot. He came across an old farmer selling all sorts of animals, but only had enough money to buy three. He decided he needed a chicken for eggs, a rooster for more chickens, and a mule to help work the land. Walking up to the farmer, he smiled and said,

"Good day, sir. I'd like to buy a poulet, cock, and an ass if you'd be so kind." He pointed to the the chicken, rooster, and mule in order.

The farmer looked a little confused, but was more than happy to sell him the animals as he pointed them out. Riding the mule to his new farm, it suddenly sat down and refused to get up. Worse yet, when he put down his chicken and rooster to try to raise the mule, they began to run around wildly and proved quite difficult to catch. The local sheriff drove by, spotting the man looking rather flustered. He stopped the car and approached the English man.

"Howdy there, partner. Can I give you a hand?"

The man was relieved to hear the offer and replied,

"If you'd be so kind, would you grab my cock and poulet while I slap my ass?"