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Post by penguinopolipitese on Jun 30, 2008 10:06:09 GMT -5
i find this quite interesting from the parents getting old EA perspective... I feel like the asian side makes you more involved in taking care of the family actively, whereas the european side tends not to. I always think of asians having their parents move in with them in their old age and whites as shipping them off to nursing homes...
there's this really good movie by ang lee called "pushing hands" which touches on this idea.
But going back to thesa's post, I know what that's like. My grandma slowly lost her mobility and since basically all of her kids are either alienated or dead, except for my mom, it kind of fell on mom to do stuff for her. We kind of ran the whole range of assistance as she has lost more mobility and even sometimes mental faculties (although she has really come back lately in that department). Basically though, if you have the chance to help out someone you love what a nice expression of that love it can be. For me, my grandma took particular care of me and my sister when we were little and I look at it as a way to pay that back. It's not easy though and often I've felt resentful of her as tying me down or demanding too much. It's one of those things where you have to balance your needs and their needs. I'm quite selfish by nature though, maybe a more selfless person could do better.
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Post by rob on Jul 1, 2008 3:09:43 GMT -5
thanks for your kind words, rob. It's a give and take already, my bro is a great person to take care of. I created that thread while feeling a little down because of having to justify myself for what I'm doing a lot of times and that really made me feel soooo tired. Most of the times things are fine and between my bro and me anyways... I just didn't think that this needed explanation to others... Meh, maybe I should've just posted in the friggin ranting thread Arg, I missed the point. Sorry I went off pedantic on you. Totally understand how frustrating it can be, especially if it's always a topic of conversation. If i'd listened to all the ppl that offered me their opinions I'd have jumped off a bridge several times by now and/or made (more) stupid/horrible decisions. Wishing upon you a thick skin and the innate ability to tune some ppl out (that or a set of Bose noise canceling headphones for x-mas) Ignore them and don't explain yourself! "I'm doing what I want to do. End of story"
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Post by thesa on Jul 1, 2008 15:33:27 GMT -5
Arg, I missed the point. Sorry I went off pedantic on you. Totally understand how frustrating it can be, especially if it's always a topic of conversation. If i'd listened to all the ppl that offered me their opinions I'd have jumped off a bridge several times by now and/or made (more) stupid/horrible decisions. Wishing upon you a thick skin and the innate ability to tune some ppl out (that or a set of Bose noise canceling headphones for x-mas) Ignore them and don't explain yourself! "I'm doing what I want to do. End of story" HAHA, I've actually started to work with my headphones (though not the Bose ones ) on in the lab coz I couldn't bear listening to my dear colleagues any longer... So yeah, working on my thick skin!! Oh, and glad you haven't jumped off a bridge so good luck with your own decision-making in the future @penguin: would you recommend that Ang Lee film? I'd also think (just a feeling) that caring for the elderly is more of an Asian thing than of a Western, but then again, it really depends on each family and their situation.
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Post by buff on Jul 8, 2008 20:58:16 GMT -5
A week after the surgery, my mom is doing very well as per doctor. I just spoke to her a while ago. Happy now & couldn't wait to see them again.
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Post by Miyuki on Jul 9, 2008 1:12:07 GMT -5
thesa and to everyone else, I think what you're doing for your loved ones is amazing. If it were my siblings, then yes; in a heartbeat, but both of them have "significant others," and I feel that they'd be the most logical first choice for a caregiver. My husband's mom placed both of her parents in nursing homes. They had health issues and needed care that she felt she couldn't provide (Alzheimers). Plus, I think they had an agreement, like they WANTED to be on their own in a private facility instead of living with their grown child. Some people just don't want to be a burden and I can understand that aspect of it. Husband's parents do not ever want to live with us in their old age. They say they've saved up for their retirement and old age and that they'll be fine on their own. They're Dutch and very...matter of fact. My side of the family though (my brother and sister) would probably fight over who "gets" my mom because we all feel this huge sense of debt towards her for being such a great mom. My husband does not want any parents living with us ever. Makes me sad. Of course if my mom was sick or something I'd pull out the trump card and make it happen somehow. Anyways, sorry to make this post about me, I just wanted to share a bit of my thoughts. rob, what you said about the human heart was very nice.
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Post by thesa on Jul 13, 2008 10:16:18 GMT -5
Husband's parents do not ever want to live with us in their old age. They say they've saved up for their retirement and old age and that they'll be fine on their own. They're Dutch and very...matter of fact. My side of the family though (my brother and sister) would probably fight over who "gets" my mom because we all feel this huge sense of debt towards her for being such a great mom. My husband does not want any parents living with us ever. Makes me sad. Of course if my mom was sick or something I'd pull out the trump card and make it happen somehow. Anyways, sorry to make this post about me, I just wanted to share a bit of my thoughts. rob, what you said about the human heart was very nice. @buff: good to hear that your mom is doing well and recuperating fast!!! Miyuki: that's alright to share your thoughts, didn't want to make this thread about me!!!! Really sweet, how you and your siblings would fight over your mom!! My mother and her siblings take turns in taking care of their mom because you need nerves made out of steel for her. One strong will that lady At the end of the day, it's probably all education and how you grew up, either with your parents taking care of their parents or not? And of course, some people do prefer living on their own and not be dependent on their kids (didn't know it was a Dutch thing tho )
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Post by Miyuki on Jul 14, 2008 0:55:41 GMT -5
Husband's parents do not ever want to live with us in their old age. They say they've saved up for their retirement and old age and that they'll be fine on their own. They're Dutch and very...matter of fact. My side of the family though (my brother and sister) would probably fight over who "gets" my mom because we all feel this huge sense of debt towards her for being such a great mom. My husband does not want any parents living with us ever. Makes me sad. Of course if my mom was sick or something I'd pull out the trump card and make it happen somehow. Anyways, sorry to make this post about me, I just wanted to share a bit of my thoughts. rob, what you said about the human heart was very nice. @buff: good to hear that your mom is doing well and recuperating fast!!! Miyuki: that's alright to share your thoughts, didn't want to make this thread about me!!!! Really sweet, how you and your siblings would fight over your mom!! My mother and her siblings take turns in taking care of their mom because you need nerves made out of steel for her. One strong will that lady At the end of the day, it's probably all education and how you grew up, either with your parents taking care of their parents or not? And of course, some people do prefer living on their own and not be dependent on their kids (didn't know it was a Dutch thing tho ) I was actually talking to my mother in law about her parents today and she made a good point. By living in a seniors facility, her parents were able to make friends with people her age. I imagine it can get pretty lonely sometimes, even when living with family.... I don't know. Just a thought. I'm tough on the Dutch. They're just so darn matter a fact about things!
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