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Post by jefe on Oct 5, 2008 14:04:54 GMT -5
I have also noticed that movies, TV-shows, ads etc. with Asians in them appeal much more to me, and that I identify more with the Asians (because they look more like me)... Movies with Asian heroes makes me feel that I can be a heroine too lol! ;D Without realizing it, I've picked mostly Asians as my rolemodels. I actually find that I look for Eurasian models in ads, and there are quite a few in Asia. They show up as models, but rarely ever in leading roles. I wonder if they are there only for decoration.  Well, we have Eurasian VJs. But they normally host shows with a Western theme. |
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Post by dead0baby0chick on Oct 6, 2008 20:32:49 GMT -5
No matter what you do, right or wrong, your kids are going to resent you and blame you for all the problems in their adult lives. It's just the nature of parent/child relationships.
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akhc
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Post by akhc on Oct 7, 2008 3:04:03 GMT -5
Did they treat you differently 'coz of your appearance, e.g looking more white etc? I don't think it had to do with appearance -- many persons felt that my brother looked somewhat more *Asian* than I did (at least at certain periods in our life). I think other factors came more into play. 1. I was the firstborn male of my paternal (Chinese) grandparents' only male child -- the hope of the future bloodline. About 3 times as much attention was lavished on me than on my younger brother. In fact, my mother noticed this, and paid more attention to my brother to make up for the lack of attention 2. My (Caucasian) mother went back to work shortly after I was born, and my Chinese grandparents watched me in their laundry -- indeed, I learned to understand Chinese dialect before English. However, after my brother was born, my mother quit work to stay home, but we visited my Chinese grandparents several times per week. When we did visit, my Chinese grandparents interacted with me much more than with my brother. Later on, I was sent to Chinese school, but my brother wasn't. My early childhood was more evenly mixed, but my brother's was at least 90% white / American even though we lived in the same household and are close in age. My brother did try to mix with Asian Americans for a while, esp. for sports, but it was just a short-lived teenage stint. By the time he was 18, he never made many personal Asian friends that I could see. He always felt very uncomfortable around them, at least in a direct social setting. 3. My Caucasian maternal grandparents in Alabama were shocked and dismayed (ie, horrified) to have their first grandchild to be a half-breed mongrel, esp. given that it was still during the segregation and anti-miscegenation era. The fact that my *heathen* paternal grandparents formed an early bond with me deeply embarassed them. I think by the time my brother was born, they had gotten over the initial shock and embarassment, and as he was less attached to my Chinese paternal grandparents, my maternal grandparents could engage him more. Later on in our childhood, they would tell me that my brother was going to grow up all right, but they worried that I would not end up "American" enough for them. I visited Alabama a few times without my brother, and My mother's brother would say that he wished my brother were there as he was his favorite. None of this has anything with how we actually look -- which also has varied greatly over the course of growing up. Visiting one summer, my Caucasian grandparents looked at me and cringed --"You're looking like your Aunt XXX (Chinese side)- OH NO " -- the next year "ah, you look much *better* this year; last year you had me worried." This talk made me so psychologically insecure. They lectured me often on how the Bible teaches that interracial marriage is a sin -- making me wonder if I was going to be condemned to hell. They did not subject my brother to this lecture (sorry, I mean *torture*). When I got older, they did share some of their background with me in a more positive way (thank God), and I do recognize and acknowledge it, and can even appreciate it, but it is still not a very positive identity for me in general. My brother felt a much closer bond to Alabama than I did. Thanks for the insight Jefe. Would you have felt more comfortable if your parents had kept you away from your maternal grandparents or had voiced concern at the way they were treating you (assuming that they knew?). I think they have been pretty hard on you especially going on about inter racial marriage being a sin given your parents. My wife and I both feel strongly that the odd knock helps when you're growing up but we sure as hell won't be allowing repeated bashing of us or our child. My wife's parents have little to do with her as things stand. Some of it has to do with her marriage to me.. some of it to do with their previous divorce which lead to my wife losing contact with her dad for 20 years. As it stands, we're quite happy to have contact with family members who can support the child fully even if this comes at the price of them never knowing some of their family (but then again when you have 30 aunts and uncles like I have you soon realise that family can be much overrated  !) We do have some worries about where the child will identify with but I believe that given the right parental support they will have the self-belief to find their identity in time without hopefully feeling lost as they can always look on us for that. |
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akhc
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Post by akhc on Oct 7, 2008 3:06:47 GMT -5
No matter what you do, right or wrong, your kids are going to resent you and blame you for all the problems in their adult lives. It's just the nature of parent/child relationships. Well only for awhile . In time they hopefully can grow out of that and realize that what was done was done with the best intention. Having kids too will hopefully hasten that realization for them! |
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Post by dead0baby0chick on Oct 7, 2008 6:42:07 GMT -5
^Well, for some people it's like that. Some parents don't really have the best intentions. And not everyone has kids and decides to forgive their parents. Actually...not everyone has kids full stop. Oops, I'm being a buzz kill, and that's so unlike me.  |
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Post by gatorade on Oct 7, 2008 22:55:20 GMT -5
Hi all.. been lurking around for awhile and reading various threads and posts. In a nutshell I'm chinese but married to a scot/irish gal and we're expecting our first child in Jan of 09. Reading these boards have been simultaneously uplifting and eyeopening. Basically for those of you who are eurasian when was the first time you realised you were different growing up? Any suggestions/recommendations as to any pitfalls for parents and how to deal with them? Thanks in advance  your child will most likely want to kill themself by the age of 10. I know I did cause all the whites hated me and the asians didn't want me |
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Post by jefe on Oct 9, 2008 1:47:52 GMT -5
Would you have felt more comfortable if your parents had kept you away from your maternal grandparents or had voiced concern at the way they were treating you (assuming that they knew?). KEEP AWAY? NO, I think this is a very bad idea. I don't think that you should withhold contact with relatives unless it is the last resort (eg, the relative is guilty of repeated sexual abuse towards your child, etc.) VOICED CONCERN. Yes, I think my mother should have voiced much stronger concern. But given the rocky relationship with my father, I think that she was more concerned with maintaining a good relationship with her parents than seriously considering what harm may result. You and your spouse appear to be older and more mature than my parents, so I think that you will figure out how to handle this better. I do have a question. How comfortable do you and your wife feel about your own ethnic and racial backgrounds? Have you also educated each other (ie, the spouse) about each other's language, ethnic, cultural, racial, social backgrounds? I think it is equally as important to educate the spouse as well as the child in order to avoid forcing the child to pick one parent over the other, not only for ethnic identity, but also transfer of cultural and social knowledge and awareness. In that way, it can be seen as the culture of the whole family, not only of the relevant parent. I think that this is more important in raising a child with healthy ethnic identity than what the child is perceived to look like (as we pointed out is a very MINOR factor). I never appreciated my mother telling me that it is solely my father's responsibility to teach me about his family's ethnic and cultural background. I strongly believe it is both parent's responsibility. If you still don't understand what I mean, recall that Obama's white mother did stress that he learn about his Kenyan history as well as African-American culture and history, even though he was growing up in Indonesia with an Indonesian step-father. Finally, I think that the parents should teach them that being multiracial does not mean that they are LESS or that they don't count, or don't count as much. For example, having a non-Chinese parent does not imply at all that they have less access or entitlement to their ethnic Chinese side than their full Chinese cousins, and vice-versa to the other parent's side. I still feel that many parents of Eurasians are clueless about this or think it is not important. They contribute to the feeling of being *lost* -- SO, educate your spouse to the same or higher degree as your child and encourage your spouse to be instrumental to help teach your child about YOUR ethnic background, and vice versa -- you become well versed in her ethnic background as well. And do not let any relative (or even stranger) imply that your kid is LESS entitled (diminish his entitlement) to their ethnic backgrounds than anyone else. Set a positive to your kid about standing up for himself by doing it first, and always, and your child will learn to do this. |
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Post by jefe on Oct 9, 2008 2:08:19 GMT -5
Well only for awhile . In time they hopefully can grow out of that and realize that what was done was done with the best intention. Having kids too will hopefully hasten that realization for them! Well, sometimes it can take many decades, or even therapy to realize that some of the very harmful things that your parents did to you was done with the best intention. In some cases, parents need to apologize deeply to their kids for some items. For example, my father broke my brother's leg with a wrench and lied to everyone - his friends and relatives -- saying it was a sports injury. My mother hit my head with the sharp blade of a knife and left a noticeable scar on my head for the rest of my life. This is the tip of the iceberg of some of the things my parents did. Some of these things can take decades to fully forgive your parents. My mother told her children lies often to avoid unpleasant or worrisome matters. She thought that they were little *white* lies were totally harmless. Well, ... they serve to undermine the trust between parents and children. I found that my mother lied to me about some very personal things, and it severely broke much of the trust I could hold -- this can take decades to forgive and forget, esp. if your parents are already dead. My mother told me the story of her father beating her with severe force on a home visit because she came home an hour after THEIR curfew -- this was after my mother had moved out of the house for two years already and had been living on her own over 740 miles away (1200 km). She resented her father for that for decades, I know. She told me this AGAIN shortly before she died. Even if you did something with the best intentions, it still might have been a very wrong thing to do. Parents need to apologize to their children sometimes. No family is exempt from this problem. |
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Post by jefe on Oct 9, 2008 2:12:08 GMT -5
Hi all.. been lurking around for awhile and reading various threads and posts. In a nutshell I'm chinese but married to a scot/irish gal and we're expecting our first child in Jan of 09. Reading these boards have been simultaneously uplifting and eyeopening. Basically for those of you who are eurasian when was the first time you realised you were different growing up? Any suggestions/recommendations as to any pitfalls for parents and how to deal with them? Thanks in advance your child will most likely want to kill themself by the age of 10. I know I did cause all the whites hated me and the asians didn't want me That's funny. I also felt like killing myself between ages 8 and 12. I got over it by around age 13 by deciding to take viewpoints of my own, even if they differed from my parents. By age 14, I started talking back to my maternal grandparents -- I am NOT condemned to hell because my parents *mixed* the races, and I can make friends with any ethnic background I want to -- it does not diminish my worth as a person. Is that why teenagers are such a big problem. Well-intentioned parents often do the wrong thing. |
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Post by serbes on Oct 9, 2008 20:21:05 GMT -5
Hi all.. been lurking around for awhile and reading various threads and posts. In a nutshell I'm chinese but married to a scot/irish gal and we're expecting our first child in Jan of 09. Reading these boards have been simultaneously uplifting and eyeopening. Basically for those of you who are eurasian when was the first time you realised you were different growing up? Any suggestions/recommendations as to any pitfalls for parents and how to deal with them? Thanks in advance I grew up out of a military family: -Dad was a Serbian immigrant -Mom was a Korean immigrant I have never had family in the United States, which is the country that I've always lived in. I have only visited my relatives once, so contact on both sides is extremely limited. I was mostly raised by my mother in the first half of my childhood, and then by both of my parents in the last half of my childhood. I learned neither language, and very very few cultural customs. Culture was something we simply didn't talk about. My life growing up was pretty much normal, but filled with the usual racial stereotypes (not necessarily negative). This might just be my observation, but very young eurasian (at least of a 50/50 ratio) children tend to resemble more of an "asian" face. I believe this stems from the development of hair and the underdeveloped bridge of the nose (which emphasizes epicanthal fold-type eyes). This rule applied for me, and my two brothers as well. Anyways... As a child growing up, I naturally identified myself as Asian over time throughout grammar school and middle school. There's usually a few casual occasions when racial-type comments or jokes would be made at my expense, reminding me the difference in race. The typical "asian" stereotypes were applied to me, as well as expectations from other students and teachers (I was supposed to be smart). I have always lived in communities and schools with very, very small minority populations (1% african american, maybe .5% asian?). It would appear that even as a young child, the social construct of "race" will be reinforced by all of society into innocent children based on appearance. Unfortunately, for the most part, I saw myself as like everyone else. The extra attention from the "smart stereotype" was nice and helped me take pride in schoolwork, as well as special attention from teachers, so I guess that's good... kind of. Upon hitting high school, I began to notice differences as the overall demographics of schools changed. There was a much higher percentage of minorities in my high school (20-25%). Me hitting high school also coincided with adolescence, so I went through a good deal of physical changes, in which my european features became more distinct. For a while, my idea of identifying myself as "asian" became cloudy. At this point, I was identified as "mostly asian" by a majority of caucasian classmates, a majority asian classmates identified me as white. For most of my life, I derived my own perception of my race from what society has told me, and seeing this shift brought on an ephiphany. It was at this point that I phased my mindset into seeing myself, and racial identity in general, as something that's peripheral and unnecessary. To me, I see it as a non-issue, as something that is overexaggerated. Since I've adopted this stance, I can't really say anything's changed for the better or worse; I'm just a healthy cynic now. In my opinion, my parents kept it simple, and best for my upbringing. They kept culture and language influences to a minimum. They made cultural assimilation to the current society a priority, by emphasizing the importance of the usage of english when growing up. There was an unintended benefit to what they did as well -- when I began shifting in identity, my absolute lack of culture and language in respect to my parents, made it easy for my own self-perception (American, indifferent) to not conflict with what society's new perception of me was. Society will always win out, and it will always force it's perception of race on you. The hassle comes only on the individual's REACTION, that this individual will change in social roles/norms/stereotypes. Well that's what I think. I am also a semi-lurker, and all-too-often I see stories of bygone days in which society identified them as asian in childhood, and white/mexican/other later on in life. Just saying... |
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akhc
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Post by akhc on Oct 10, 2008 3:27:29 GMT -5
I do have a question. How comfortable do you and your wife feel about your own ethnic and racial backgrounds? Have you also educated each other (ie, the spouse) about each other's language, ethnic, cultural, racial, social backgrounds? I think it is equally as important to educate the spouse as well as the child in order to avoid forcing the child to pick one parent over the other, not only for ethnic identity, but also transfer of cultural and social knowledge and awareness. In that way, it can be seen as the culture of the whole family, not only of the relevant parent. I think that this is more important in raising a child with healthy ethnic identity than what the child is perceived to look like (as we pointed out is a very MINOR factor).I never appreciated my mother telling me that it is solely my father's responsibility to teach me about his family's ethnic and cultural background. I strongly believe it is both parent's responsibility. How comfortable are we with our ethnic backgrounds? Well I guess pretty comfortable. Wife is scottish-irish and is proud of her 3/4 irish background even though the family had to leave Ireland and find a better life elsewhere. (As an aside our daughter will have an irish first name.) Myself? I'm a little more blase about it. I'm chinese but born in malaysia to first generation born chinese there. My parents grew up at a time when malaysia had just got independence from the brits and there was a lot of pride and propaganda from the govt about race not being important and the need to force a new cultural identity that was malaysian. Hence I'm not the most cultural chinese. I speak english as a first language and struggle in chinese. I love western music and literature whilst knowing little of my own. (Unfortunately the malay led govt were to put into effect positive discrimination policies that in the last 20 years have seen a rebirth of culturalism in chinese and indians communities and had I been born 10 years later I suspect I'd have had a lot more chinese culture shoved into me.) My wife is fond of saying I am impersonating a chinese and when I order food at a chinese restaurant it's my pointing at the dish I want on the menu that gets me the order rather than my attempts at chinese. If anything my wife is the one that's keen to learn more about chinese culture and make sure our child knows about it. The problem is my less than stellar knowledge! For me, in the last few years I've come around to the view that I should at least learn mandarin and I suspect when our daughter goes for classes, I'll be there with her too. In my opinion, my parents kept it simple, and best for my upbringing. They kept culture and language influences to a minimum. They made cultural assimilation to the current society a priority, by emphasizing the importance of the usage of english when growing up. You make a good point. I was brought up in a similar way with very supportive parents and never felt the need to have a cultural/ethnic identity. I mean I knew I was chinese but never felt the need to be chinese. My parents brought us up with good citizens with a strong sense of right and wrong. After that we were free to pursue whatever "culture" we wanted. I don't know my wife would allow me to bring out daughter up that way though. She has a need to know where she came from that may be a reflection of her (less supportive parents) upbringing. Or perhaps she has an inherent interest in history (she's a real history buff) that I don't have. We'll have to find a way that works for us in rearing our kids but it's always interesting to read how others were brought up and to identify problems that may occur. |
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Post by Ganbare! on Jun 8, 2010 3:09:12 GMT -5
Out of the two situations: assimilation to American culture or struggling to be accepted in either culture, I don't know which is the most difficult but reading all of your stories reminded me of painful childhood experiences I never think about. I definitely am not confronted to those anymore but I don't think I have healed yet, thinking about them still hurts. The verbal abuse and physical violence I have received from my family and strangers not to mention material privation had a very deep influence on me.
I have an anger boiling inside of me I have partly channeled through friendship, love and professional achievements but it is not complete, it manifests itself from time to time by street brawls, I know resorting to violence is a horrible thing to do but it relieves me from my rage, sometimes I just want to leave everything, everyone behind and join a Shaolin monastery to understand why this suffering exists and to overcome it.
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Post by jefe on Jun 8, 2010 11:54:36 GMT -5
^ a Shaolin monastery - perhaps to experience a new form of suffering?  |
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pelle
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Post by pelle on Apr 16, 2011 15:09:05 GMT -5
I realized my family was a little different early. I would say environment plays a huge factor, love them at home and try to find a fairly multicultural community, it makes a difference.
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