Growing Up

[akhc]

Hi all.. been lurking around for awhile and reading various threads and posts. In a nutshell I'm chinese but married to a scot/irish gal and we're expecting our first child in Jan of 09. Reading these boards have been simultaneously uplifting and eyeopening.

Basically for those of you who are eurasian when was the first time you realised you were different growing up? Any suggestions/recommendations as to any pitfalls for parents and how to deal with them? Thanks in advance

[mrxcloudyxloc]

I grew up in Hawaii so never noticed anything. Then I moved to California in Elementary school, and noticed it a little, but not to a big degree. When I moved to the Eastcoast, where it wasn't so much mixing of races, I noticed it big time. I was in Senior year of High School. I think it depends on where you live, how the surrounding community will react to a mixed child.

[straylight]

I kind of struggled with it around 11 or 12. Mostly because of my own confusion, and the lack of people like me in popular culture as a whole... Didn't deal with too many people who cared, in a personal way, during this time.

I don't know... It's hard to answer. I had a lot of hangups about my appearance in general back then (not due to being mixed necessarily), so it could just be due to that. I sprouted quick, was built like a preying mantis, and had a face that was like, almost too big for my head (hah). Ever seen Polly Jean Harvey? I was a male teenage version of her. I had a particularly crappy acquaintance back then who called me Ichabod Crane. Being EA was just icing on the cake.

[alphamikefoxtrot]

Sept 21, 2008 5:15:30 GMT -5 mrxcloudyxloc said:

I grew up in Hawaii so never noticed anything. Then I moved to California in Elementary school, and noticed it a little, but not to a big degree. When I moved to the Eastcoast, where it wasn't so much mixing of races, I noticed it big time. I was in Senior year of High School. I think it depends on where you live, how the surrounding community will react to a mixed child.

Hah. That's how I see it, too. Except I never left California.

[toyomansi]

Hi akhc, it definately helps if your child grows up in a multicultural area, and especially if he/she also has eurasian friends while growing up. If someone has eurasian friends, they will feel they have others who are like them. It's also nice to expose the child to both cultures if possible. If you speak chinese, it would be nice to teach it to your child from a very young age (growing up bilingual is a gift ;D). Also remind him/her that being mixed is great I'm sure your baby will be adorable, and that you'll be great parents.

As for me, I found out that I was different the hard way, by being teased/bullied at school. But that depends on the area and environment someone grows up in, and luckily it doesn't happen to everyone

[akhc]

thanks for the insight. scotland isn't a hotbed of mixed relationships (generally as a rule racial mixing is inversely proportional to distance away from london) though it is becoming more prevalent. having said that, when I first arrived in scotland 18 years ago u wouldn't see any eurasian children in a chinese restaurant but nowadays u'll see at least one mixed couple if not a eurasian child anytime u head to a chinese restaurant.

here's something I've always wondered. do children who are more obviously asian/european in their looks identify more strongly with one side of their roots? or does being different mean it's never easy to identify with either and it's part of growing up eurasian that you need to find your own identity?

[pandaroo]

Sept 24, 2008 4:11:18 GMT -5 akhc said:

here's something I've always wondered. do children who are more obviously asian/european in their looks identify more strongly with one side of their roots? or does being different mean it's never easy to identify with either and it's part of growing up eurasian that you need to find your own identity?

Personally, I've felt angry at myself for years for not looking "Chinese enough", despite having 1/2 Asian genes. It gets frustrating because you WANT to identify as Chinese but you feel you almost don't have the right to, because people will tell you what you are based on what they SEE in you. People would even say to me, when I told them what I was, "No! You're not Chinese!!" and they often thought I was lying. Unfortunately, this led to my identity crisis where I tried dyeing my hair black, gluing my eyes together (even considered having plastic surgery) and tanned myself so much my skin was sore, all just to try to look "more Asian". I guess that led me to not knowing what I was. In the end, I don't feel like anything.

[toyomansi]

akhc, tricky question lol... ;D I don't think the looks of a person directly decides which side they will identify with. I think quite a few of us wished we looked more like one of our sides, so that we can feel belonging to that group, like Pandaroo for example... Sometimes I also wish I looked a little more Asian, so that I can instantly be recognised by the group with no doubts. But when I was younger I really wanted to look white.

Perhaps it has to do with how much influence a person gets from each side, and how much they are being included in the group. There are many Asian-looking EAs who identify more with their white side, and vice versa. Some who look evenly mixed might have trouble being included in either groups, which can be frustrating (like if they are being told: "You're not Asian/white! You're Middle Eastern/Latino!"). Or they can feel included in both groups, which is great

[jefe]

Sept 25, 2008 13:10:09 GMT -5 toyomansi said:

akhc, tricky question lol... ;D I don't think the looks of a person directly decides which side they will identify with.

I must agree with this too.

The perceived looks of a person only plays a very minor role in which side they identify with. For example, I think language plays a much greater factor than looks. Indeed, I have met many "full" Asians who identify socially and culturally much more closely with Caucasians than many Eurasians I have met.

And interpretation of "looks" are very subjective. Many times I have had people argue right in front of me whether I look more Caucasian, more Asian / Chinese, Filipino, or something else (eg, Latino, Middle Eastern, etc.), or how I should be treated regardless of how they interpret it. Alternatively, I have had people treat me as xx, then as yy just 5 minutes later.

Other factors include how the relatives treat the child, birth order, talents, personality and whose extended family is nearby, and the social habits of the parents. My brother and I are only 17 months apart, but our relatives treated us VERY differently, and this had a larger impact on how we might identify.

[Soren]

My brother and I are only 17 months apart, but our relatives treated us VERY differently, and this had a larger impact on how we might identify.

Did they treat you differently 'coz of your appearance, e.g looking more white etc?

gosh, I cant quote properly ..

kyu-ree: fixed it for you, just spell "quote" correctly

[mrxcloudyxloc]

Sept 24, 2008 4:11:18 GMT -5 akhc said:

thanks for the insight. scotland isn't a hotbed of mixed relationships (generally as a rule racial mixing is inversely proportional to distance away from london) though it is becoming more prevalent. having said that, when I first arrived in scotland 18 years ago u wouldn't see any eurasian children in a chinese restaurant but nowadays u'll see at least one mixed couple if not a eurasian child anytime u head to a chinese restaurant.

here's something I've always wondered. do children who are more obviously asian/european in their looks identify more strongly with one side of their roots? or does being different mean it's never easy to identify with either and it's part of growing up eurasian that you need to find your own identity?

Well, from my own personal experience, I think I look more white than anything else. Every other person I know thinks I look more Mexican than anything else (don't have a drop of Mexican blood) But I've always identified stronger with my Korean side. That had a lot to do with my upbringing and who I grew up with though. I grew up in a Korean church, My mother was born in Korea and so was I, I came back here many times as a child, and I speak the language.

I've known some Happas that look a lot more Asian than I do, yet they don't identify with their Asian culture at all for whatever reason. So, in my opinion it just depends on how the kid grows up and what culture is present in their life. I consider myself a Korean American, as do most of my friends and even a lot of the Koreans that I've met here in Korea after speaking with them.

[toyomansi]

Oct 3, 2008 3:33:11 GMT -5 @kyuree said:

When it comes to pictures in say ads etc., I identify more w/ Asians, though. That's true. They look more like me when I look in the mirror.
E.g. I bought a digicam by Fuji and the manual has an Asian woman in all the sample photos. That appealed to me. Whenever a company wants to demonstrate to be cosmopolitan and international, they normally have an Asian in their ad, too. And then I feel addressed. But this is based on physical appearance.
Culturally I'm definetely more Euro.

I have also noticed that movies, TV-shows, ads etc. with Asians in them appeal much more to me, and that I identify more with the Asians (because they look more like me)... Movies with Asian heroes makes me feel that I can be a heroine too lol! ;D Without realizing it, I've picked mostly Asians as my rolemodels.

[toyomansi]

Oct 5, 2008 3:13:30 GMT -5 @kyuree said:

yes, definetely. And I think it's natural.
Maybe once I'm in Asia seeing Asian ads, I will buy more stuff b/c I feel so frikkin' addressed and identifiy w/ the actors ;D

I'm sure you will hehe ;D Whenever I go to Asia, when watching TV and seeing lots of ads all around I almost forget that Europeans even exist lol... I kept buying lots of Asian magazines and DVDs (with people in them that I can relate to), and brought them back to Europe to look at/watch here when I never see anyone like me in local TV, movies and magazines.

[halfbreed]

I only ever felt different when I was around a lot of blondes, which was almost never. When I was 14, a new girl came to the school who was Eurasian and introduced me to the term (dat's when I joined EAN). I never really felt that different. I look Western for the most part and grew up/live in a pretty multi-racial environment.

[jefe]

Sept 26, 2008 13:38:05 GMT -5 Soren said:

My brother and I are only 17 months apart, but our relatives treated us VERY differently, and this had a larger impact on how we might identify.

Did they treat you differently 'coz of your appearance, e.g looking more white etc?

I don't think it had to do with appearance -- many persons felt that my brother looked somewhat more *Asian* than I did (at least at certain periods in our life). I think other factors came more into play.

1. I was the firstborn male of my paternal (Chinese) grandparents' only male child -- the hope of the future bloodline. About 3 times as much attention was lavished on me than on my younger brother. In fact, my mother noticed this, and paid more attention to my brother to make up for the lack of attention

2. My (Caucasian) mother went back to work shortly after I was born, and my Chinese grandparents watched me in their laundry -- indeed, I learned to understand Chinese dialect before English. However, after my brother was born, my mother quit work to stay home, but we visited my Chinese grandparents several times per week. When we did visit, my Chinese grandparents interacted with me much more than with my brother. Later on, I was sent to Chinese school, but my brother wasn't. My early childhood was more evenly mixed, but my brother's was at least 90% white / American even though we lived in the same household and are close in age.

My brother did try to mix with Asian Americans for a while, esp. for sports, but it was just a short-lived teenage stint. By the time he was 18, he never made many personal Asian friends that I could see. He always felt very uncomfortable around them, at least in a direct social setting.

3. My Caucasian maternal grandparents in Alabama were shocked and dismayed (ie, horrified) to have their first grandchild to be a half-breed mongrel, esp. given that it was still during the segregation and anti-miscegenation era. The fact that my *heathen* paternal grandparents formed an early bond with me deeply embarassed them. I think by the time my brother was born, they had gotten over the initial shock and embarassment, and as he was less attached to my Chinese paternal grandparents, my maternal grandparents could engage him more. Later on in our childhood, they would tell me that my brother was going to grow up all right, but they worried that I would not end up "American" enough for them. I visited Alabama a few times without my brother, and My mother's brother would say that he wished my brother were there as he was his favorite.

None of this has anything with how we actually look -- which also has varied greatly over the course of growing up. Visiting one summer, my Caucasian grandparents looked at me and cringed --"You're looking like your Aunt XXX (Chinese side)- OH NO " -- the next year "ah, you look much *better* this year; last year you had me worried." This talk made me so psychologically insecure.

They lectured me often on how the Bible teaches that interracial marriage is a sin -- making me wonder if I was going to be condemned to hell. They did not subject my brother to this lecture (sorry, I mean *torture*). When I got older, they did share some of their background with me in a more positive way (thank God), and I do recognize and acknowledge it, and can even appreciate it, but it is still not a very positive identity for me in general. My brother felt a much closer bond to Alabama than I did.