rambling story of not belonging.sorry it's long.

[mel]

i jst read the thread "being alienated from the chinese" and i just thought about my current condition.

well, i'm 75% asian [indo (manadonese--50% manadonese,timor,banjar) & chinese] and 25% european (dutch,german,portuguese). i've lived in indonesia all my life,but being the oblivious,plain little girl that i was,i never noticed that i looked different from indonesians,since i grew up in international communities.

it wasn't until i was 15 i think,that i noticed how different i was. and i got uncomfortable whenever i go places. i mean,ppl would stare at me,or look at me frm head to toe. and whenever i hear whispers,mumbles,or giggling from strangers around me,i think that they're laughing or making comments at me,when actually i don't even know that.i guess it's an insecurity thing..also,when i walk by indonesian men/boys (usually those of the lower class..or those who are jst plain jerks),sometimes they whistle at me and call me "bule"--indo word for foreigners.

and not only do i feel uncomfortable when i'm out sometimes,but like some of us eurasians,i don't really know where i belong.
with my friends at school, and my cousins from my parents,i am accepted 'cause well,that's jst how it is. but when it comes to making new friends,esp with the indonesian teenagers,it's really hard.

like,in early august,i joined a basketball club for the city tournament,and,of course,everyone there was indonesian and they all came from local schools (except this one argentian girl--but she's friends with them cz she goes to the same local school as the most of them, and my indo friend who goes to the british international school and speaks better english than indo). so when i came for the first time,all the girls were like,whispering and some were giggling,and they were all just looking at me,some even pointing at me. i jst looked down and stayed quiet. then the coaches come,gather us in a circle,and say that the team has a new member--me. so they wanted me to introduce myself. well,being too shy and embarrassed to talk,i was unable to open my mouth and make words,when this girl--one of the senior players--comes up to me and speaks loudly in bad english as if to make fun of me or sth "hi! what's your name??? what school do you go to??? where are you from??? you sepik (speak) english??? can you sepik indonesian??? " the whole team starts giggling and laughing out loud. i felt like i was gonna cry right there..and to make things worse,the girl pushes me to the middle of the circle,in the centre of everyone's attention,expecting me to introduce myself loudly. just to get things straight,and to let them know that i am an indonesian citizen who can speak indonesian,i introduced myself in bahasa. but still,the first few weeks were torture. i wouldn't speak to anyone (except my best friend) unless it was really necessary,and that same girl would still try to speak to me in english..it was like,being discriminated,in a way, and it was painful. i just thought like,am i really not accepted by these indonesian teenage girls because of how i look and because of my background??

with mum's big manadonese family,i stand out like a sore thumb,along with my siblings,because we look different from them. i don't feel like i totally belong there because of my appearance,but i still feel an itty bitty bit at home. with dad's family,most of us look mixed in our own ways. but we don't really connect because most of them don't really speak english,and the age difference with most of my cousins are just far. i haven't really got a chance to socialize with ppl who are part dutch/german/portuguese,because my school is full of mostly chinese and indonesians. i get along well among the chinese-indo community at school. but not at other schools.

i once went to a basketball tournament to watch the school's junior high team play. the tournament was held at this school packed with chinese-indo ppl (for those who are chinese,do not take this the wrong way.i'm part chinese too). when i came in and bought a ticket,they were speaking to me in bad english,stared at me, and were snickering and giggling and whispering behind my back. also, at a previous tournament that i played in (held in a school also packed with chinese-indo ppl),i just couldn't connect with the ppl. some of my chinese-indo friends could,but i just couldn't. and when i walk around the mall, the chinese and indonesians stare at me and whisper or snicker something behind my back. apparently,with them,i don't seem to belong. yet at the same time,i'm not sure i belong with the european community,either,since i haven't gotten a chance to mingle with them.

sorry for the super long story,but i just wanna know,what to do?? the only real eurasian friends that i feel i connect to are the ones here. well,we're not close friends,but logging into EAN and reading,replying forums makes me feel at home. here is where i run for comfort. but in reality,i don't really belong in my community i guess. even though i'm only a quarter european,i feel like i'm pulled more towards my european side,one of the reasons why i really really really wanna go to europe for university. soo,well,i just wanna know ppl's stories and also,how do you guys cope with it??

[Miyuki]

Hi Mel,
I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Something you said reminded me of how I used to feel when I was younger. You said you felt pulled towards your european side. I grew up in Canada, and I used to feel a pull towards my Japanese side, thinking I'd be more accepted by them because I looked pretty Asian. Of course that was totally not the case and I felt like an outsider when I went to Japan right after highschool. So, even though I think going to university in europe would be a great experience for you, I don't think that's the answer when it comes to you feeling like you belong.

It sounds like most of the experiences you described are happening when you're new to a group. I'm terrible at fitting into a group at first! I wouldn't dwell too much on those experiences. I'm sure you're going to be able to make some connections and friendships with these people. Just give it time and show them what's so great about you.

[mel]

i did make connections and friendships but they're not that strong..it does take a long long time to adjust in new environments,making new friends and all most of the times,i really worry bout wht ppl think bout me from how i look,or what kind of judgments they make of me frm first impressions..i guess tht's wht makes it hard for me.

[mel]

oya thx miyuki,for actually being able to read my long,long story once again,sorry for rambling -.-

[Miyuki]

You don't have to apologize, it sounds you have a lot on your mind.

I think the root of all these problems is how you view yourself. It's normal to worry about what people think of you, but I think you've got to find a way to recognize why you're a likeable cool person! And just so you're aware, all of those other kids are most likely just worrying about what everyone else thinks of them. It's a vicious cycle. Things will get better for you I'm sure. And if these kids keep being stupid, just try to shrug it off; they don't deserve to be friends with you, and do you really want to be friends with people are so cruel?

[2bob]

look if u see any of them catty indo and chinese girls openly laughing and pointing at you just walk up to them and give them the finger! u shouldnt care what they think about u if they're acting like that! =]

Do you really look THAT much different from the indo and chinese population? cos if ur 3/4 asian it musnt be THAT much of a physical difference right? As opposed to me, im only 1/4 indonesian with some chinese, im guessing id stick out alot more than u lol

[mel]

umm yesshh well even though im only 1/4 european,the features stick out -_-" ppl often mistake me as an american though -.-

[2bob]

so your really European looking then? Well you can't really do anything about that then can you? It shouldn't matter. Ask your mum or dad for there opinioin if that helps

[swinger]

As happens with many things in life, that which gets you teased and marginalized as a child can get you revered and desired at an adult. Hang in there and don't doubt yourself and let nature take its course.

[syn]

The unpretty truth of making life easier in most teenage dramas and even as life continues on...

sometimes it's better than if you can hide, you hide. That may be anything from the literal to assimilation into being something else or finding a group for support or distraction.

If you can find at least one ally ... well, it can become a bit overly co-dependent or needy, but it's a little more of a buffer between yourself and the rest of the world.

So that might suggest looking for another outcast. They might be an outcast for a different situation, but sometimes it's only place you can find support, in somebody else whose situation equally sucks.

But there's also just finding someone to talk with, maybe even a counselor or therapist.

Or some activity, blog or forum you can use to vent or distract your head from the surrounding environmental and people. As many as necessary, it's probably better not to get too caught up in one aspect.

Another option may be ... trying to find popular interests in those opposing groups, some sort of little doorway that allows you entry, even if they remain the same people as they were before.

Yeah, it still pretty much sucks. But it might work to get a few people off your back, give them more of an excuse to get to know you.

There's also a fair chance you'll always feel like you're at a table of one, isolated, even when there's other people that come from similar backgrounds or interests. Even in the closest of friends or relationships, there's going to be something that separates you from them. It might be on the surface or it could be deeper.

There's not really many ways to escape that game.

Denial is probaby the most prevalent though.

Whether you sacrifice pieces of yourself or try to deny other people's opinions.

Ultimately, it comes down to you and how you let it affect you...

There's always going to be someone that doesn't like you for whatever reason and some of those people are going to go out of their way to show it.

How it can be handled is varied on the situation ... but how it affects you is left to you alone.

If you can learn it to let some of it go, it's probably a little easier .. though every stone they throw is still going to hurt, but there's a better chance you won't be carrying the weight of them for the years to follow.

... music and art my primary outlets ... listening to music is a fair distraction ... my own little meditative place - everybody singing a song to something I've been going through or something I'd like to dream about instead ... get paint underneath my fingernails, to rage or disappear.

Of course, occasionally following through with some stupidity to either get even or lash out, not always the best method, but it can work to take some of that extra weight off. Albeit it doesn't get too out of hand.

These situations come and go through what seems like several lifetimes; you are who you are who you are. So when there's time take their compliments and criticisms in stride. There's a time to rage, a time to cry and most of the time, even if it's just to deny, laughing can make the difference, regardless of whether it's wrong or right.