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Post by betahat on Jan 10, 2009 0:07:46 GMT -5
Statistically speaking interracial and interfaith marriages are more likely to end in divorce (though the overall numbers are kind of high). However, I think in general compatibility is a function of many, many different dimensions of which religion (or "race" or "culture") is only one. For some people it is by far the most important and can be a deal breaker. In my case it turned out not to be, though I never saw myself ending with someone who professes belief in God (even if they don't believe in prayer and are generally pretty secular). I've had the debate about God enough times to not even bother with her  I don't think kids will be an issue since my wife certainly wouldn't want to indoctrinate them even though she wants to learn Hebrew and understand Jewish culture and traditions - which isn't a bad thing in my view. |
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Post by Altan on Jan 10, 2009 3:33:06 GMT -5
^Agreed! How can you have mixed ideologies? This is more important than any other criteria.
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Post by Subuatai on Jan 10, 2009 7:32:34 GMT -5
You still can have interfaith relationships yet with similar ideologies. People are still individuals in the end.
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Post by rob on Jan 10, 2009 10:17:37 GMT -5
This is like a politics thread.  Anyway yes, faith is important to me. I don't care if the guy is atheist or agnostic but a cradle Catholic, maybe cradle Episcopalian or Lutheran would do. For me it's lovely to share stories of Catholic school, confession, first communion, past Christmas and Easter, be with someone who knows about this stuff. It's a cultural thing. It 's like I'm more comfortable with American and Canadian guys. I have been with foreign ones but they came when they were 12 maybe 20 at the most and are so assimilated and understand the nuances and body language of North Americans. For example I've met cool Indian guys who speak perfect English but I don't get them. They can say things that I just didn't understand even though I knew all the words in the sentence. Also a lot of Indian guys I meet are Muslim or Hindu so I just don't feel a connection at ALL even though many are cute. Faith isn't everything but it is important to me. I'm with you on this.... though i'm probably a little more 'anal' in that I'd only marry a semi-practicing Catholic. When you’re young and looking it’s easy for you to say religion doesn’t matter. But when you start raising kids, the problem pops out. I’m speaking based on what I observed from a couple of friends and compared their relationships. The most problematic one is from an EA friend who is catholic and married a secular guy from a jewish-catholic background. His parents raised him secular. It’s like they’re living separate lives under one roof. She went to a Catholic school and has been practicing the traditions, he doesn’t. She had to beg him to baptize the child minus his parents who also ditched the church wedding. Interesting. I've seen this as well.... sometimes the greater differences aren't between people of different faiths.... but between a secular/agnostic/spiritual one and a semi-religious one. here are just a few 'minor' things which I see driving a knife through these marriages: - Abortion: The couple agree they both want the child, but a less religious woman might say "I love you, i want this child. Badly. But theoretically, if I didn't want to have it and I didn't think we were ready, that's my choice". The more religious one (usu a man) might say, "This is our child and it has every right to be born whether or not you/me/we think we're ready" - Baptism/Religious Rites of Passage: Again, many times its the more agnostic/spiritual spouse who wants the child to be raised without religion (or exposed to multiple ones) and allowed to choose his/her own faith as a young adult. The more religious one wants the child to be raised with all the same rites that he/she went through and a part of that religious community. - Sex & Pre-marital relations: The more 'secular' partner has alot more pre-marital relations (or casual sex) than the more religious one. The more religious of the two, while committed and in love with his/her spouse, occasionally resents the fact he/she has been with so many people. The more secular one meanwhile doesn't see what the big issue is as "the past is passed" or "i'm with you now. you have me forever. thats all that matters". The more religious person might believe "well, i've cared for others before you... I could have had sex any number of times before i met you, but I thought that in waiting for you, i'd be giving more of me to you. Why couldn't you afford me the same or at least something close?". I can see instances where a couple have a powerful bond, a true marriage of the minds, but this "little" religious stuff comes up once in a while and festers putting the relationship on the brink. |
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Post by Subuatai on Jan 10, 2009 11:41:44 GMT -5
^ =/ Ok ok, we acknowledge the problem mate, any solutions either then just getting rid of religion which isn't possible in my relationship though?... ...  |
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Post by buff on Jan 10, 2009 18:43:04 GMT -5
Statistically speaking interracial and interfaith marriages are more likely to end in divorce (though the overall numbers are kind of high). However, I think in general compatibility is a function of many, many different dimensions of which religion (or "race" or "culture") is only one. For some people it is by far the most important and can be a deal breaker. In my case it turned out not to be, though I never saw myself ending with someone who professes belief in God (even if they don't believe in prayer and are generally pretty secular). I've had the debate about God enough times to not even bother with her I don't think kids will be an issue since my wife certainly wouldn't want to indoctrinate them even though she wants to learn Hebrew and understand Jewish culture and traditions - which isn't a bad thing in my view. The only thing my EA friend and her Argentinian husband agreed upon easily was the circumcision of the baby boy after birth which is for his own good at the end. This is like a politics thread. Anyway yes, faith is important to me. I don't care if the guy is atheist or agnostic but a cradle Catholic, maybe cradle Episcopalian or Lutheran would do. For me it's lovely to share stories of Catholic school, confession, first communion, past Christmas and Easter, be with someone who knows about this stuff. It's a cultural thing. It 's like I'm more comfortable with American and Canadian guys. I have been with foreign ones but they came when they were 12 maybe 20 at the most and are so assimilated and understand the nuances and body language of North Americans. For example I've met cool Indian guys who speak perfect English but I don't get them. They can say things that I just didn't understand even though I knew all the words in the sentence. Also a lot of Indian guys I meet are Muslim or Hindu so I just don't feel a connection at ALL even though many are cute. Faith isn't everything but it is important to me. I'm with you on this.... though i'm probably a little more 'anal' in that I'd only marry a semi-practicing Catholic. When you’re young and looking it’s easy for you to say religion doesn’t matter. But when you start raising kids, the problem pops out. I’m speaking based on what I observed from a couple of friends and compared their relationships. The most problematic one is from an EA friend who is catholic and married a secular guy from a jewish-catholic background. His parents raised him secular. It’s like they’re living separate lives under one roof. She went to a Catholic school and has been practicing the traditions, he doesn’t. She had to beg him to baptize the child minus his parents who also ditched the church wedding. Interesting. I've seen this as well.... sometimes the greater differences aren't between people of different faiths.... but between a secular/agnostic/spiritual one and a semi-religious one. here are just a few 'minor' things which I see driving a knife through these marriages: Most Catholics tend to be semi-catholic and the only ones considered devout Catholics are nuns, seminarians and most priests... |
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Post by buff on Jan 16, 2009 21:21:18 GMT -5
Most catholics only like to marry a catholic - Flat top you must go back into the loop quick
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Post by DivaDancerLara on Jan 19, 2009 10:30:38 GMT -5
Yes I would like some one with the same Christian perspective as mine.
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Post by catgirl on Jan 19, 2009 20:05:19 GMT -5
I wouldnt want to date an extremist, no matter what religion! Creeps me out ;D Although my dad is quite a christian believer!
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Post by DivaDancerLara on Jan 20, 2009 9:07:38 GMT -5
^ you don't have to be an extremist to be a believer though. And having a Christian preference is not being an extremist. If you sincerely believe in Christianity there could be a clash with someone who does not and to avoid problems in the marriage because religion always effects it its just healthy safeguarding. We'd like to say religion doesn't matter in dating and marriage but it always does effect the relationship dynamic even if it unintentional
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Post by rob on Jan 20, 2009 9:23:33 GMT -5
By the way you left out the opus dei people for devout Catholics. Those are Catholics I don't want in my life. What are your issues with Opus Dei (not that i'm defending them)? I can understand El Shaddai or the evangelical strains, but I know a few Opus Dei peepz and they seem quite private in their practice and perfectly "normal" from the outside. I'd prefer someone who was religiously ambiguous/not devout (because I like open-mindedness/ fluidity in beliefs). What if you're an open minded person and come to your own firm conclusions and wish to remain steadfast in them? I personally view fluidity (esp post-adolescence) as somewhat negative. |
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Post by candicemarlon11 on Sept 2, 2009 10:56:40 GMT -5
Yes, you have to trust your partner in everything he does. Stop being paranoid that he/she likes someone. Be confident you're the one he/she thinks of at the end of the day, even when he/she wakes up.
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Post by sim on Mar 20, 2011 23:22:24 GMT -5
I wasn't raised religious. My grandma is loosely RC, and I think my aunt/uncle are loosely RC, but it stopped with my dad who never wanted to go to church/just didn't believe at all in it. I went with my filipino helper to church (and read some of the bible) out of curiousity, and at school I had to go to chapel 3x a week (anglican). I didn't really mind it. My sister got married in a church because her husband wanted that, so she went with him for months in advance so they could actually be married 'in a house of God' as that's what he believed in.
I have no issue with religion of any sorts so long as my partner does not turn to me and says I am doomed to hell because I do not believe what they believe; that to me is not acceptance or respecting my personal beliefs and therefore me as a person.
As far as I'm concerned, there are so many different interpretations of what 'God' is or isn't, that I'm not sure who is or isn't right and that's something that just can't be proven unfortunately.
Believing in God is just that- a belief, like believing in aliens or ghosts, or chinese horoscopes or whatever. If people really practised what they preached- acceptance- then they wouldn't say they only had to date someone who was within their faith etc. It's almost like there's a smugness to saying I will only date someone who is of the same faith as me, as all you people who don't aren't good enough for me....and you will burn in hell just because you don't believe in this version of God....even if you are a better person than me.
I don't believe you have to be religious to have values; the people with the most values I have met actually have been NON religious.
I also once dated a very Christian guy for a year and he never once turned to me and told me that I was not a good person, or that I would burn in hell. I think he knew there was more to it than what you simply believe in; and he accepted me entirely for who I was and what I believed. Likewise, I never once said or believed he was wrong for what he believed in. If that had gone anywhere, i.e. we had had kids- I would be perfectly happy with them following his faith and I would have zero issue with it. Whenever religion came up in conversation, I respected what he believed in, but it didnt mean I had to try to argue against it or say he was wrong or vice versa. It's just a different perspective of looking at things. Maybe he secretly thought I was going to hell, who knows.
Regarding things like abortion etc...you could be both non-religious and not agree on what to do, so I don't think it's relevant. Likewise with sex before marriage etc.
The way I see it- inter-faith relationships can work; but you have to be able to really acccept someone for who they are and not try to change them (but that a general rule for relationships as a whole). If you can't deal with that, or you fear that you will go onto your after-life without them, then stick to your own faith.
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Post by rob on Apr 8, 2011 11:14:13 GMT -5
I wasn't raised religious. My grandma is loosely RC, and I think my aunt/uncle are loosely RC, but it stopped with my dad who never wanted to go to church/just didn't believe at all in it. I went with my filipino helper to church (and read some of the bible) out of curiousity, and at school I had to go to chapel 3x a week (anglican). I didn't really mind it. My sister got married in a church because her husband wanted that, so she went with him for months in advance so they could actually be married 'in a house of God' as that's what he believed in. I have no issue with religion of any sorts so long as my partner does not turn to me and says I am doomed to hell because I do not believe what they believe; that to me is not acceptance or respecting my personal beliefs and therefore me as a person. As far as I'm concerned, there are so many different interpretations of what 'God' is or isn't, that I'm not sure who is or isn't right and that's something that just can't be proven unfortunately. Believing in God is just that- a belief, like believing in aliens or ghosts, or chinese horoscopes or whatever. If people really practised what they preached- acceptance- then they wouldn't say they only had to date someone who was within their faith etc. It's almost like there's a smugness to saying I will only date someone who is of the same faith as me, as all you people who don't aren't good enough for me....and you will burn in hell just because you don't believe in this version of God....even if you are a better person than me. I don't believe you have to be religious to have values; the people with the most values I have met actually have been NON religious. I also once dated a very Christian guy for a year and he never once turned to me and told me that I was not a good person, or that I would burn in hell. I think he knew there was more to it than what you simply believe in; and he accepted me entirely for who I was and what I believed. Likewise, I never once said or believed he was wrong for what he believed in. If that had gone anywhere, i.e. we had had kids- I would be perfectly happy with them following his faith and I would have zero issue with it. Whenever religion came up in conversation, I respected what he believed in, but it didnt mean I had to try to argue against it or say he was wrong or vice versa. It's just a different perspective of looking at things. Maybe he secretly thought I was going to hell, who knows. Regarding things like abortion etc...you could be both non-religious and not agree on what to do, so I don't think it's relevant. Likewise with sex before marriage etc. The way I see it- inter-faith relationships can work; but you have to be able to really acccept someone for who they are and not try to change them (but that a general rule for relationships as a whole). If you can't deal with that, or you fear that you will go onto your after-life without them, then stick to your own faith. Hey thread gravedigger, Your views seem very middle-of-the-road/pragmatic/more secular conservative .... and it would seem fairly easy to meet someone with similar sensibilities/values. I disagree with your view on inter-faith relationships. If both people are reasonably cemented in their faiths and come from tight knit families.... there could very well be love..... but too many hurdles. Question: Would you convert to a religion for someone else? Voluntarily? |
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Post by sim on Apr 12, 2011 3:16:11 GMT -5
^^ Uh, e.g. if they were Jewish/Muslim, and not too 'preachy 'and it was for the sake of marriage/pleasing family/pleasing them the probably yes. But they would really, really have to be THE ONE. There are a lot of people I know who don't follow whatever religion they are too closely, but for the sake of their family and I guess, what they were raised to believe should happen, they require their partner to be someone of the same faith.
I see that there is 'good' in every faith; however, I can't bear the hate that extreme faith does create. (I also don't believe in a lot of the written word- e.g. in the old testament, marrying your widow's brother...definitely the word of man, for men, and not any kind of God)
Statistically, I'm sure that many marriages are likely to fall apart if you both have different faiths/one follows it more closely.
However, statistically, marriages from different cultures are meant to be more likely to fall apart, as are marriages where the partners come from more places than X distance apart, as are marriages where the age gap is greater than X number of years. My parents seem pretty happy despite the fact that statistically their marriage looked like it was very likely to fail (and as I have mentioned before, their general personality differences and different interests and so on).
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I don't think kids will be an issue since my wife certainly wouldn't want to indoctrinate them even though she wants to learn Hebrew and understand Jewish culture and traditions - which isn't a bad thing in my view.
