asian mom vs asian dad

[jaz]

Mar 8, 2006 22:04:06 GMT -5 thea said:

Just wondered is everyone's Asian parent born in Asia? Does anyone out there have an Asian parent born in a Western country? I'm a parent of an Eurasian toddler and my husband has dual citizenship Eu (Ireland) and the U.S. I'm "full" Asian but born in in the U.S.
Sometimes when I go out with my son and see other Asian moms with their Eurasian kids, I don't always feel comfortable with them since I grew up here and not in an Asian country.
Sometimes its odd, most of my husband's friends in the Navy are Filipinos in their mid to late forties with U.S. born elementary school kids and a few teenagers.
Once when we went to visit one of his Filipino friends in Fresno, sometimes I felt like an odd fish. Since all the Philippine born adults 45+ people belonged to the same college fraternity, played cards and the wives hung around with each other.
I on the other hand at the time was 30 years old, without a kid yet felt more "culturally" close to the U.S. born teenagers and kids-their mannerisms and speech patterns. Yet they were way to young to really hang around with.
Any Western born Asian parents?

My mum is Australian Born Chinese and is at least 4 generations Australian through one branch. Her father came from Hong Kong but her mother's side is descended from Chinese who came in the gold mining era in the 1800's. There is also some Irish on that side.

My father is an English guy, born in England, so he is actually the foreigner in the family.

[milkman's baby]

Oct 27, 2008 21:00:04 GMT -5 peachluck said:

a girl with an asian mum would be more asian like in personality

This most definitely does not apply to me.

[Paddy]

Apr 3, 2006 23:03:55 GMT -5 cruelangel said:

I find it odd that in my day to day interactions with EA's, the ones i meet outside of here. Most of the EA's I meet have asian moms, while alot of EA's here, not a majority but i've met more from here than anywhere else, have asian fathers.

I think the next generation espically the couples here that are 1st generation were gona see alot more asian moms & white dads than ever before.

Yup, I'd have agreed, but the stats here are surprising. It's a fair sample (~120 ppl?) and I'm surprised that the bias towards asian mothers isn't greater. We are all suckers of stereotypes.

[Kush]

Yeah, unfortunately the stereotype would leads people to believe that all or the vast majority Eurasians are products of a AF/WM relationship.

The reality is probably that they are far more equally split.

[jefe]

I think it may be a reflection of what type of people are drawn to EAN, not the composition of EAs out there.

There may be a slight tendency for EAs with Asian fathers to investigate their EAN status more.

[Paddy]

Jun 7, 2009 7:17:28 GMT -5 jefe said:

There may be a slight tendency for EAs with Asian fathers to investigate their EAN status more.

Any theories?

[Ganbare!]

^The board is not representative of the EA community, correct me if I'm wrong but I think the majority of Eurasians live in the West therefore having an Asian last name, a foreign father who is often the dominant figure home encourage us to investigate more about being Asian, EA in a Caucasian society. I'm interested to hear some theories though!


Asian dads seem to be more responsible than their Western counterparts who tend to either leave or watch tv all day. For those of you who have an Asian father, do you think they are generally better fathers?

[betahat]

^The board is not representative of the EA community, correct me if I'm wrong but I think the majority of Eurasians live in the West therefore having an Asian last name, a foreign father who is often the dominant figure home encourage us to investigate more about being Asian, EA in a Caucasian society.


I'm sorry but I have no idea what you mean. Something got lost in translation.

^Asian dads seem to be more responsible than their Western counterparts who tend to either leave or watch tv all day. For those of you who have an Asian father, do you think they are generally better fathers?

I have no reason to believe that's true (except for the EAs born from military fathers in Asia). My dad watches a lot of tv - that doesn't really tell you anything about being a good father or not. My Dad was great but I don't think that has anything to do with race - if anything he is different than the stereotypical Asian father, as he's very gentle and encourages critical thinking and questioning authority.

[FreckleFoot]

May 9, 2010 21:27:22 GMT -5 Ganbare! said:

Asian dads seem to be more responsible than their Western counterparts who tend to either leave or watch tv all day. For those of you who have an Asian father, do you think they are generally better fathers?

I have no idea if they are generally better fathers. I can only speak of my own experiences and say that my cousins have good fathers apart from one who left the moment they were born and never came back from Hong Kong.

My father was absent a lot of the time, but this was because he wanted to work as hard as he could to provide for his family. When he was younger he only took sick days when he was recovering from cancer. He rarely went to the doctor for anything even when he was seriously ill.

However, on the emotional side he was very distant, as is typical of Chinese. Growing up in a western world, I felt my father did not love me as I looked at all the little girls walking alongside their fathers holding hands. I couldn't even hug my father and he never told me he loved me, whereas my white mother was always hugging me and telling me how much she loved me. I began to realise he showed love and affection in very different ways and I learnt that, in Chinese culture, it isn't considered right for a father to be physically close to his daughter after she hits puberty. None of this was conveyed to me by my father though: I had to figure him out by myself. Things are changing now and although I can tell he still feels somewhat awkward, I know he is glad to be able to hug me without feeling judged by anyone.

So I would say that he is a good father, but his culture and where I was raised influenced me negatively because I did not understand some of his behaviour and ended up feeling neglected.

[hypeforlife91]

^ You are completely right about Asian/Western customs. Asians just seem to be generally more reserved (especially East Asians). They shake hands when they greet one another or bow if you're Japanese.... However, white people tend to do the hug & kiss. My mom would get weirded out when I hug my guy friends as a greeting. She always thought they would grope me in the wrong places. o.o

It's like Asian parents assume that you already know the unconditional love is there and sometimes that praising you too much will make you cocky. I've only gotten a few small praises from my mom in my life. Asian parents are much more likely to give the "tough love" to you instead of the form of cuddliness that is more often associated with affection. They are also much more strict and overprotective, in general, than their western counterparts.

That being said, I know my mom loves me, she just expresses it in a different way.

[Ganbare!]

^I know what you guys mean about Asians not being overtly affectionate but I don't think this defines what a good father is. His role is to inspire his children, to teach them practical skills and moral values. Expressing love, encouragement is more important for mothers, men don't necessarily show affection as it is implicit in most cases, it'd be terrible if it were the other way around. I have not seen my father in over 15 years, I'm happy my mother was very affectionate but something lacked in my upbringing, I had to learn how to behave like a man, to be quickly emotionally and financially autonomous and responsible by myself. I have mostly succeeded regardless of how my online persona on this board can be perceived but it was a long and difficult trial and error process.

betahat: I resort to ellipsis too often as a result my speech is not crystal clear, my bad. What I meant here is that EAN is not emblematic of the whole real life EA community, most EAs I have met in real life could not care less about investigating their status, there seems to be a disproportionately large amount of young, educated and female members here. Considering the colossal Asian contingent in the West compared to the tiny Caucasian community in Asia I deduced the majority of Eurasians live in Western countries. I believe members with Asian dads are more inclined to learn about their identity as generally fathers have a stronger influence on an individual's sense of identity (last name, household dominant culture) therefore we question what it means to be an Asian or EA in Western societies further. EAs who were brought up in the East and to some degree individuals who moved to Asia, who have White fathers have apparently less issues than others Western-based combinations. Drawing from observation I conclude Asian fathers, living in the West lead us to be more aware for good or bad.

Anyone has a theory to submit?

[FreckleFoot]

^ I respectfully disagree. As a child whose father was there, but did not show his love for me in a way I understood, I can say it is incredibly damaging and, if done on purpose, it would definitely make the man a bad father. Even when things are different now, simply raising the subject brings me to tears more easily than any other topic. However, I will say it did not make him a bad father: the blame does not necessarily lie with him because he DID show his love, but until I was older I did not recognise it due to my location and surrounding culture. I never expected him to be the same as my mother, but I did expect him to show some sign of his feelings. If I had grown up in China, perhaps it wouldn't have bothered me. Either way, I don't believe a child would be glad to follow in their father's footsteps or learn anything from him if they believed he didn't love them, or worse, hated them.

[Ganbare!]

^It's natural to expect from a father to express affection despite that I still don't think it is an essential trait for men to have unless mothers are not affectionate enough, it is a biological feature for us not to express feelings. Sometimes a permissive father is undesirable, putting boundaries, teaching strength are more fundamental missions, people are increasingly incivile, mentally weak because most parents are too supportive, frightened of discipline nowadays. My father was exactly what you describe but I still wish he had stayed regardless of his numerous flaws.

A couple years ago I was living in a tremendously rich neighborhood and there I heard countless times well-off, loved White teenagers wishing to be me, yes me, the EA kid with no money, no network, no family, geographically unstable just because I did not have to face an seemingly cold father back home. Relativizing pain retrospectively is the only way to overcome certain demons as the past is immutable...

[FreckleFoot]

Then we agree to disagree.

I think it is more of a cultural thing that prevents men from expressing their emotions. There have been studies showing many men feel just as much as women, but are less comfortable revealing their feelings because society demands that they appear strong. Even more so in very macho cultures such as in Spain. Another interesting thing I read was that competitiveness is not a biologically male trait either. In matriarchal societies the women are the competitive ones.

I would not say an affectionate father is necessarily a weak one that cannot discipline his children. My father was the strict parent in my family despite being affectionate in his own way.

I'm not sure what you're saying with the last paragraph. Anyway, whether or not I've understood properly, I certainly have not had a life as privileged as the rich kids you've described. Growing up thinking my father did not love me was the least of my worries. I only spoke about it here because it came up and certainly do not talk about it a great deal. I'm happy with how things are now and how they are progressing, so what reason is there to dwell on the past?

[Ganbare!]

May 11, 2010 2:44:05 GMT -5 FreckleFoot said:

^ Even when things are different now, simply raising the subject brings me to tears more easily than any other topic.

^This led me to think you had not healed, it's good if you have. What I tried to convey in my last paragraph is that we should all be grateful for what we have no matter how much, to relativize even though modesty seems to belong to a far away past as people are becoming more and more self-centered, not saying you are. Sometimes I sound bitter because I've endured tremendous physical, emotional and mental pain throughout my existence that was either inflicted by others or on myself to escape my baneful fate. All this is difficult to overcome but reading and sharing stories on this board, furiously jamming with my band slowly help me channel this suffering.

Actually, researchers found that men feel more emotions than women thus why the greatest artists, scientists or serial killers are all men but we are biologically programmed to express less while female feel less but exteriorize their feelings more. On average male phone calls last 6 minutes vs 20 minutes for females, culture obviously aggravates the phenomenon.