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Post by ChickenSoda on Jan 15, 2008 8:11:02 GMT -5
They move on quickly because they've been thinking of breaking up long before it happens. Ahhh, I don't think that's so much a woman thing as it is just the role of the person who ends it. That's pretty much been me in all but one of my relationships. The one time I did get dumped, though, I think I wound up spending the greater part of 05 being a wreck over it. I got over the actual breakup pretty quickly, tried seeing a few other people, etc., but when I saw her a few months later, it was kind of like "f***! We can make this work". We couldn't, but hell if I didn't try. |
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Post by long on Jan 15, 2008 8:31:31 GMT -5
^
I think you make a good point. But then the question to ask is: in a long term relationship which partner is more likely to ultimately want out?
I had a good hunch that it was going to be women (they're more emotionally needy (I 'spose you could say they're 'more in touch with their emotions' if you were being nice) -> more likely to be dissatisfied in an emotionally-malfunctioning relationship).
30 sec of google research supplied me with this fun fact:
Across America, at least two-thirds of divorce suits are filed by women. Researchers who have interviewed divorcing couples have repeatedly found that, in cases where the divorce is not mutually desired, women are more than twice as likely to be the ones who want out. After the split, women are typically happier than their exes.
This is just marriages, but I'd say it's a general trend for serious relationships.
So like VLR said, it's probably because they do the emotional work on the front end, while the abandoned guy might not have even seen it coming.. leaving him in a WTF (emasculated) daze for a while.
You could also say that women are more self-absorbed, so when a relationship ends they still have what's most important to them.. themselves. But I won't.
You could further say that women are more likely to enter into another relationship before they're really over their prior one, dropping their issues on some hopeless, innocent dude all the while pining for their lost love.
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Post by thekrez on Jan 15, 2008 8:59:05 GMT -5
You could also say that women are more self-absorbed, so when a relationship ends they still have what's most important to them.. themselves. But I won't. I would. But then Im bitter and scarred I guess. |
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Post by thekrez on Jan 15, 2008 9:00:14 GMT -5
^^ and you make a lot of good points long, i really do think what you are saying just reinforces my initial hypothesis. Women are far more likely to end relationships and far quicker to get over them than men are.
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Post by ChickenSoda on Jan 15, 2008 9:10:21 GMT -5
You could also say that women are more self-absorbed, so when a relationship ends they still have what's most important to them.. themselves. But I won't. I think that's what makes the fall so hard for a lot of guys- they're putting too much stake in the girl. A lot of guys try to fill a void in their lives, or distract themselves from it with some girl. Ultimately, that's too much to expect from someone. You need something else that's important to you. You could further say that women are more likely to enter into another relationship before they're really over their prior one, dropping their issues on some hopeless, innocent dude all the while pining for their lost love. Ahhh, this I can vouch for. I've never gotten into a serious relationship with a girl on the rebound, but I've been "it's complicated"(for lack of a better term) with girls like that more than my fair share of times. One of them actually got engaged to her ex on a whim, then broke it off hours later.  |
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Post by viruslabrat on Jan 15, 2008 9:14:27 GMT -5
^ I think you make a good point. But then the question to ask is: in a long term relationship which partner is more likely to ultimately want out? I had a good hunch that it was going to be women (they're more emotionally needy (I 'spose you could say they're 'more in touch with their emotions' if you were being nice) -> more likely to be dissatisfied in an emotionally-malfunctioning relationship). 30 sec of google research supplied me with this fun fact: Across America, at least two-thirds of divorce suits are filed by women. Researchers who have interviewed divorcing couples have repeatedly found that, in cases where the divorce is not mutually desired, women are more than twice as likely to be the ones who want out. After the split, women are typically happier than their exes.
This is just marriages, but I'd say it's a general trend for serious relationships. So like VLR said, it's probably because they do the emotional work on the front end, while the abandoned guy might not have even seen it coming.. leaving him in a WTF (emasculated) daze for a while. You could also say that women are more self-absorbed, so when a relationship ends they still have what's most important to them.. themselves. But I won't. You could further say that women are more likely to enter into another relationship before they're really over their prior one, dropping their issues on some hopeless, innocent dude all the while pining for their lost love. Are women more emotionally needy or are they just better at expressing their emotional needs? How do you quantify "emotional neediness"? I think women have a lot more to lose by getting married. When you have kids you can almost kiss your career goodbye and even if a woman works full-time the large majority of the time she's expected to do the bulk of the child-rearing and household work (you can google that too). No wonder they want out and are happier after the split! I'm not gonna take your self-absorbed comment as an insult since I don't think it was intended to be but when it comes down to it you can't really put someone else's needs above your own all the time without ending up extremely unhappy and resentful. If that is the kind of relationship that a person's in then why should they settle for it? You would have to leave the relationship for the sake of your own sanity (after trying your best to resolve the problem of course) and that is important. Yeah, some women AND men play the "victim" role where they dump their issues on their next partner though I think women are more prone to falling for a guy playing this game rather than the other way around since a lot of women like to "nuture". Maybe guys like to pine about their past relationships because they know it gets "results". ;D |
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Post by long on Jan 15, 2008 9:34:34 GMT -5
"Are women more emotionally needy or are they just better at expressing their emotional needs? How do you quantify "emotional neediness"?" - I have the disclaimer right there that they may be more in touch with their emotions. - I disagree that women have more to lose and strongly disagree this is why 'they want out'. Do remember that women are the ones that are generally much more interested in marriage in the first place. - Your 3rd paragraph is a self-absorbed attitude.  Don't be offended.. but some people do want to put the needs of others over their own, it actually makes some people happy. And being self-absorbed makes a lot of people unhappy, imagine it. - Guys may get more sympathy in a rebound relationship, but I don't think that means they do it more often. |
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Post by viruslabrat on Jan 15, 2008 10:03:57 GMT -5
"Are women more emotionally needy or are they just better at expressing their emotional needs? How do you quantify "emotional neediness"?" - I have the disclaimer right there that they may be more in touch with their emotions. - I disagree that women have more to lose and strongly disagree this is why 'they want out'. Do remember that women are the ones that are generally much more interested in marriage in the first place. - Your 3rd paragraph is a self-absorbed attitude. Don't be offended.. but some people do want to put the needs of others over their own, it actually makes some people happy. And being self-absorbed makes a lot of people unhappy, imagine it. - Guys may get more sympathy in a rebound relationship, but I don't think that means they do it more often. I wasn't trying to argue with you on the first point I was just wondering whether guys feel the same as women but don't express those feelings (maybe it's considered too feminine)? Or are they just unaware of their feelings? Yeah, women do tend to want marriage more than men with the main reason being it's supposed to be a more stable environment to raise a family and we tend to be an optimistic bunch. But what if you're the one who's keeping the family together by working full-time, looking after the kids the majority of the time AND running the household in general and your partner just puts in a token effort now and then? How unfair is that? You could divorce your partner for refusing to pull their own weight but then what are you left with? Having to look after your kids alone while you struggle to work enough hours to keep a roof over your head with whatever crappy position you could get because you were too busy looking after your family and being pregnant. I believe that only masochistic and extremely submissive people are capable of putting others people's needs before their own all of the time. You may fall into one of those categories but even the latter category would end up resentful after a while because their needs wouldn't be met. Yes, we all put others needs above our own sometimes but you don't honestly do this all the time, do you Long? In a healthy relationship there should be a good amount of compromise or otherwise an equal balance of putting each other's needs first. A lop-sided relationship wouldn't work because it follows that one person's needs are always more important than the other's therefore one person is more worthy of having their needs met. |
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Post by cjsdad on Jan 15, 2008 10:07:54 GMT -5
It has been my experience that women are intelligent enough to have the "better thing" already lined up.
"Taking a break" is code for "I've got another one in mind, and I need to see if maybe this won't be better than your lazy fat ass no taking me out no dancing no romance no money loser".
It's smart policy, and I commend them for it.
Most guys are too stupid and far too short-sighted.
We slip easily in to "love the one your with" while doing precious little to keep that love interested.
Relationships are work, and I think many men fail to keep working at a relationship.
Women understand this, and the smart ones get the hell out when the gettin's good.
This is just some of my observations.
Usually the most heartbroken, pining fool has a girl that just got sick of his BS and had plan "B" already lined up, or at least in mind.
Again, smart policy.
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Post by viruslabrat on Jan 15, 2008 10:08:01 GMT -5
Ahhh, this I can vouch for. I've never gotten into a serious relationship with a girl on the rebound, but I've been "it's complicated"(for lack of a better term) with girls like that more than my fair share of times. One of them actually got engaged to her ex on a whim, then broke it off hours later. A girl at work accepted the proposal of a guy she'd been in a relationship for years and was living with her. A week later she broke off the relationship completely. Ouch! He treated her like she was his everything. I couldn't imagine doing that to a guy, if I didn't want to marry him and the relationship looked like it was going to head that way I'd break it off long before he proposed. Poor guy was completely heartbroken.  |
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Post by fumanchu on Jan 15, 2008 10:43:23 GMT -5
yeah but most women keep the kids so that doesn't change after the split. It must just be jettisoning the male that makes them happier. Doesn't surprise me though. I sat about with a bunch of older guys once, ages ranging from mid 30's through to late 60's, all still married, really nice guys, talking about their marriages. Obviously they're from a different generation, but I was pretty gobsmacked when a lot of them said, yeah, it took me about 10 years of marriage to realize that my wife had needs and that I should be tending to her needs, trying to help her acheive her dreams and goals. Most of them admitted they didn't know how their wives managed to put up with them for the early part of their marriages. Different generation though. Maybe our generation of males is a little more clued up on this aspect, given the pining and/or bitter boys around here But anyhow, I agree to some extent that the women wanting out of their long-term relationships/marriages have been hanging on for a long time and emotionally preparing for it. As other people have said, the guys are hit harder because they are oblivious to the fact they are inept so are taken by suprise, or they know but don't know how to change so watch it coming like a freight train (this is probably just as hard). Males also have a success or failure mentality, so they are more likely to see a failed relationship as a slight on their manhood and their ability to conquer their environment. In the case of a marriage, the female is often the one to take the children, so the guy has more time to dwell on things. I also tend to think that comiserating with friends is more cathartic and beneficial for a girl than a guy. Talking isn't action, and guys are action oriented. But in these cases, there's just nothing you can do to change things, so your just sh*t outta luck. |
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Post by viruslabrat on Jan 15, 2008 11:03:14 GMT -5
It must just be jettisoning the male that makes them happier. One less child to look after |
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Post by Ave` on Jan 15, 2008 23:02:13 GMT -5
Starting to date again really quickly can be just as big a sign of having problems getting over someone as pining for months. Sometimes you just need a distraction. While I see what you mean, I don't see how someone can partake in 'fun' activities when inside they just feel like dying. Going out again b4 you recover can end up making u more depressed. The most cruelest thing I did to a guy. Is to invite him to a group date at the park with some friend of mine. Then completely refuse to act like his date all the time we had games at the park. One is including having to sit on his shoulder while having a fight with another friend who is on her bf. Finally, I completely cease to talk to him. Ignored him. All I could do is blabber to my friend how hurting i am and syht. |
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Post by daisypukes on Jan 16, 2008 0:03:11 GMT -5
^True, dating too early has it's downsides, but the upsides outweigh them for me. In any action, you have to weigh the good against the bad and go with that. For me, dating very quickly after a break up is painful but it makes me feel like, even though I'm miserable, I'm showing a good face to everyone else. And that makes me feel less pathetic. The first guy after a break up seldom turns into a bf though, rebounds hardly ever pan out.
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cm
Junior Member
Posts: 68 
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Post by cm on Jan 16, 2008 0:10:23 GMT -5
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Don't be offended.. but some people do want to put the needs of others over their own, it actually makes some people happy. And being self-absorbed makes a lot of people unhappy, imagine it.
