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Post by avax on Aug 29, 2007 21:47:38 GMT -5
Danny, I can't advise you but I'm in the same situation although I have some months to consider it so I can empathize. Personally, for me I'm taking school/job (and the two usually go handinhand since what I'll be studying depends on location although there is spatial/interprovince or international mobility if I really wanted). I'm not making him wait but we've also known each other for 3+ yrs, not enough to really be attached but also not enough to wager my future on. Although I must say, like you, I've been unconsciously cutting down choices or options I otherwise wouldn't be doing. He's also long finished uni and getting on with his career though he wants to do his masters eventually. My parents separated for four years because they decided to pursue their personal goals, then got back together once they accomplished it. I guess they gambled and got back ten fold what they wouldn't have if they'd taken the other route. I'm not expecting anything except that he (and I) be happy no matter what. Since he's a very close friend, how can anyone not hope for such a thing regardless of what happens? I honestly haven't felt so carefree, but affectionately embroiled before. Also, when I'm in doubt I use time as a measure for all things.
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Post by xandra on Aug 29, 2007 21:59:24 GMT -5
Ask yourself if you'd still be thinking this if she gained 20 pounds. Shallow I know but it can really put things into focus sometimes when romance is involved. are you serious?? danny: i guess the obvious question is why hasn't anything happened between you two yet. even without the job overseas, trying to start a relationship with a good friend is tricky business. then again, if you don't tell her how you feel will you regret it for the rest of your life?
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Post by 0 on Aug 29, 2007 22:12:03 GMT -5
Ask yourself if you'd still be thinking this if she gained 20 pounds. Shallow I know but it can really put things into focus sometimes when romance is involved. are you serious?? Serious in the sense that when we are physically attracted to someone we can unconsciously make their other attributes seem greater than they are. If we (really meaning men) take looks/lust out of the equation it can really make us be honest with ourselves and clarify our true motivations. Most guys don't do that and its why often after chase and capture we lose interest.
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Post by LaFace on Aug 30, 2007 0:13:24 GMT -5
If it were me, I would put career above a 'potential' partner.
However, I'm 20, so finding 'the one' isn't exactly the main thing on my agenda at the moment.
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Post by rob on Aug 30, 2007 2:02:50 GMT -5
I was going to post this as a topic, but saw this thread, so it will do. If you think 'they're for you' what would you do to make it happen? I don't mean it like it sounds. There's a certain someone who I've come to know over a long time. We're very close and she's ready to move on from what was a pretty turbulent break-up. It's funny how I'm being more open here than I would to anyone in person, but not having to look someone in the eye while saying this helps Fact is, there is definitely something there. It's one of those things where we know each other so damn well, get each other, are completely comfortable, share a sense of humour etc etc. It wasn't an immediate attraction either, it's just that over the last 5 years I've come to know a pretty damn amazing person. Anyway I digress. Point is this would not normally be a difficult situation. You have such feelings, you pursue said feelings and the rest takes care of itself. Problem is, I have a good career opportunity which would see me move overseas, and she also has landed a job with a great company here in Australia which she will start in January. It would be ridiculous to pursue such a thing with this in mind. However, my (totally whipped) mind is sarting to ask totally out-of-character questions in regards to 'the one' and I have myself totally convinced, knowing her so well that this is someone I could see in the very very long term. 5 years is a long time to get to know someone and you don't get that opportunity that many times in your life. She knows I'm going overseas even though I've said that I may not take the job and keeps saying things like 'when you leave me ...' So I'm starting to contemplate finding a much lesser (prospect wise) here in Australia... sounds stupid to the couple of people I've mentioned it to. I don't really believe in this 'the one' business. But what I do mean is perhaps when you do find something like this it's worth trying to hold onto? I mean most of the time you start a relationship based on a superficial attraction or a pleasant evening over dinner and one of these could well turn out to be great but I guess it's a bit of a privilege to know someone that well over that period of time and think the world of them. Anyway.. at the end of the day, I probably will take the job overseas and keep in contact as much as possible, date other women and go on a week long bender when I receive her wedding invitation. Then maybe I can go back to being normal. On the money. There are so few jobs that will take you overseas yet so many girls that will suck you dry and prevent you from going anywhere. Choose life. Because at the moment I know what jpeezy means when he says she makes him want to be a better man . plagiarism of the nth degree
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Post by dannyd on Aug 30, 2007 5:03:20 GMT -5
Sorry Creole, but I'm on a completely different page. But just for your sake, I suppose you could say that she already has a bit extra going for her, and I'm totally into it. Danny, I can't advise you but I'm in the same situation although I have some months to consider it so I can empathize. Personally, for me I'm taking school/job (and the two usually go handinhand since what I'll be studying depends on location although there is spatial/interprovince or international mobility if I really wanted). I'm not making him wait but we've also known each other for 3+ yrs, not enough to really be attached but also not enough to wager my future on. Although I must say, like you, I've been unconsciously cutting down choices or options I otherwise wouldn't be doing. He's also long finished uni and getting on with his career though he wants to do his masters eventually. My parents separated for four years because they decided to pursue their personal goals, then got back together once they accomplished it. I guess they gambled and got back ten fold what they wouldn't have if they'd taken the other route. I'm not expecting anything except that he (and I) be happy no matter what. Since he's a very close friend, how can anyone not hope for such a thing regardless of what happens? I honestly haven't felt so carefree, but affectionately embroiled before. Also, when I'm in doubt I use time as a measure for all things. Very interesting about your parents Jeanette. This bloke you are talking about though, are you currently together or still behind the friend boundary? I'm assuming the former based on the 'making him wait' part of your post. If you already know what the whole package is about... I don't suppose it would make it any easier I suppose. Obviously I'm in no position to advise either. I hope you make the right decision. You are right about wagering the future though. I'm almost certain there's something on her side if I were to open the can of worms but still, we've not actually tried the relationship as anything more than plutonic and that makes the odds a bit worse especially when I'd have to make such a huge call to make it a possibility. On the other hand if it were to work, the 'sacrifice' of the job for this one would be nothing. It isn't a girl a met 3 months ago at a concert.. I know her really well. I did somehow make a bad typo (or miscalculation) in my original post though, I've known her for a bit over 3 years, not 5. We work really well as friends. Does it beg the question that opposite sexes can't be fantastic friends without starting to want more? danny: i guess the obvious question is why hasn't anything happened between you two yet. even without the job overseas, trying to start a relationship with a good friend is tricky business. then again, if you don't tell her how you feel will you regret it for the rest of your life? That's a pretty long story. But to be very short about it, she had a long term relationship going for most of it. I knew her for about 2 months before I went overseas for 3 months and during that period a relationship began. Of course at that stage she was merely a friend. We got to know each other over time and it was really only when she broke up with him that I really started to realise what was going on. If it were me, I would put career above a 'potential' partner. However, I'm 20, so finding 'the one' isn't exactly the main thing on my agenda at the moment. That has never been on my agenda. It is only this particular situation that has me thinking. There are so few jobs that will take you overseas yet so many girls that will suck you dry and prevent you from going anywhere. Choose life. That could be taken either way to be honest depending on how you look at it... plagiarism of the nth degree hahaha, I was totally soft by the time I finished that post. I couldn't quite put my finger on where it came from... but it makes sense. jpeazy should have copped the criticism, I was merely quoting Thanks for the replies.
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Post by 0 on Aug 30, 2007 5:41:39 GMT -5
Sorry Creole, but I'm on a completely different page. Well then I don't envy your decision - that's hard to walk away from. Good luck.
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Post by LaFace on Aug 30, 2007 5:44:30 GMT -5
That has never been on my agenda. It is only this particular situation that has me thinking. ^Yes, but the point is, if my career goals had existed for a longer time compared with those of love, then I would place career on higher ground and have that as my first priority. Plus I looked at your profile and noted that you're 25 which is still very young. However, I'm not sure if my advice deserves much merit with regard to finding potential love
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Post by StrangeMagic on Aug 30, 2007 6:03:08 GMT -5
yeesh.. the only thing i'd be concerned about is that you guys haven't been in a relationship yet and still are in the friendship stage. A lot of things change once you get over the whole honey moon stage of a relationship as we all know.. reality kicks in and then you start finding out all the persons quirks and that's when you figure out if you really can tolerate these flaws or not. Then try living with them, hahaha you find out so much more..
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Post by StrangeMagic on Aug 30, 2007 7:27:52 GMT -5
are you serious?? Serious in the sense that when we are physically attracted to someone we can unconsciously make their other attributes seem greater than they are. If we (really meaning men) take looks/lust out of the equation it can really make us be honest with ourselves and clarify our true motivations. Most guys don't do that and its why often after chase and capture we lose interest. true story.. that's why you should make a promise to never let yourself go lmao
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Post by avax on Aug 30, 2007 19:33:26 GMT -5
Danny, Yes, we are together but taking it slow, which I'm cool with. My parents seem more like a freak situation in the sense that they found an even match in each other, mentally, emotionally, goals-wise, love, hate (lol). I'm not sure how to respond to the difficulty.. this might sound strange but it isn't difficult. And yeah, at the basis there's the friendship. I'm in a weird paradox - I've never been happier but I'm also not afraid if I have to let him go. Sounds cheesy but he means too much. lol I don't know about fantastic friends and wanting more but you may be onto something. Years come and go and as much as I don't like saying it, so do people. If I had my way, I wouldn't let go but if I had to, I would. I hope you make the right decision for you too but I'm not sure about telling her how you feel only to then make the decision to leave. Sometimes people just know intuitively, and things are unspoken. Maybe it's better that way when there's nothing concrete to fall back on at that point. I hope it works out for you, whatever happens.
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Post by dannyd on Sept 1, 2007 9:36:04 GMT -5
Thanks Jeanette. It's good that you can think like that I reckon. See I agree with you that it isn't worth taking the plunge only to leave. On the flip side I reckon I'd stay if I knew it would happen, but wouldn't it be foolish if it didn't work to my expectations.
See the, enamoured side of me sees a woman that transcends any I've ever met. Which is what is triggering all this line of thought. So the 'people come and people go' thing currently won't register with me. I need to develop a better sense of cynicism. Perhaps this never happening will help that along a bit. You wouldn't think it if you met me, but in alot of ways I'm too idealistic for my own good.
Thank for all the responses.
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Post by avax on Sept 1, 2007 15:54:10 GMT -5
It will be okay! Be happy. Cynicism is a tough thing to live with. I'm not really good with it. Whatever you choose - live hard, die hard.
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Post by xandra on Sept 1, 2007 17:36:59 GMT -5
Serious in the sense that when we are physically attracted to someone we can unconsciously make their other attributes seem greater than they are. If we (really meaning men) take looks/lust out of the equation it can really make us be honest with ourselves and clarify our true motivations. Most guys don't do that and its why often after chase and capture we lose interest. true story.. that's why you should make a promise to never let yourself go lmao I guess I was looking at it from the other end. If you really love and care about someone I would hope that an extra 20 pounds wouldn't be enough to change your mind. But I suppose it's useful if you're easily influenced by sexual attraction alone.
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Post by cookimonster on Sept 5, 2007 9:52:08 GMT -5
hello! new poster here i stumbled upon this website and found a lot of interesting topics.. this topic being one i've been wondering for quite some time I am a person who has a lot of trust issues when it comes to relationships.. i'm not too proud to say that i've checked ex's emails, voice mails and files and have always found a reason for me to justify my sneakiness I've come to realize now that I knew that i found the right person when i knew i could trust him and believe in him completely, and that i know he can do the same. An ex told me once that trust is the foundation of a relationship, and without it, a relationship wouldn't last. Turns out he was right I kept wondering how I could know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, and i realized that besides knowing him as i've known him for 8 years now, I don't have to know all the details of his day, who calls him, when he got a new phone, what he does when he's not with me, who sends him emails, etc. I've come to appreciate the fact that we both our lives and different cultures, but have the same values. So my answer to the OP is : you just know when you know you can fully trust your partner and he/she can fully trust you.
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